First of all, I am trying to define my actual wing, instinctual variants, and everything until the last bit of specification, according to the descriptions I'm going to give.
There is no doubt I'm an enneatype five, but I'm looking for the rest starting from there. I've been doing personality test along the years, and now I feel I am doing deep changes or something, so it is like I want to start over, like if I were new to this. So I just erased my public information, and I want to find myself with the feedback from the colective intelligence of this forum. My MBTI type too, if anybody interested, but I choose this part of the forum because I want to start from the enneagram mostly.
My doubts summarizes in a single sentence:
Am I the type I think I am, or I have identified with the type I wanted to be, being other essence that has lost itself ???
So, my major issue is if I am a degraded version, misidentified, confused, of my real type and its development. In other words, how well I'm doing it in the life projected to my real essence. The point is that I don't want to make another personality test, but just deducing everything by my experiences and life reactions.
For starters, there is no doubt I'm five, and I have an INTJ profile (with little room to doubt about it). I used to get 5w4 in the past, on the first tests of my whole life. Then, I used to get 5w6. It is like I wanted to be more 6. I read that a 5w6 could be misidentified as a 5w4, but that depends on its variants and its growing level. My instinctual variants seems to vary (so redundant), but according to the blind spot as a major improver challenge, I would say [SO] seems to be my blind spot, but I am not sure. I guess it will be more easily to define myself by my worst side, the lowest and critical situations.
So, the first example situation I'm sharing is that when I go outside, walking down the streets in 'weird places' or 'weird hours', I tend to not be afraid in a counterphobic style, like rationalizing, even if I need to be afraid, and I could be very impulsive due the situation. I am like a scanner, searching for any kind of threat, but without the worry, more like "everything seems to be in order", "everything is natural", "oh, that's funny". Is the worry from others what overwhelms me, and the need to calm them down. If I am alone, I don't care if someone assaults me, it would be dangerous bothway, because I tend to act reckless, in a state of emotional violence and I could become a crazy killer (INTJ?). But, of course, I don't like that state of emotional violence, it's like I have it under key. Due the situation, it would be more like I am afraid of myself than be afraid of others. But that fear could be just insecurity. But it's the same, if I train and know how to defend myself (and easily kill?), I am more in control and "in peace", and I can get over it without losing it. But I know I could act very cold, what changes is the "emotional amplification". And of course, in potentially dangerous situations, I hate people, and in a extreme situation, I hate people more. Hate is passion, it's not that I don't empathize, on contrary, because of it is that I became more misanthrope. And, just for the record, when I say "threat", that would mean lies, double intentions, mental disorders, manipulations, everything going on in the mind of people passing through the scanner, specially "intentions". So, it's not that I read minds more of what a behavioural analyst does. I don't trust anybody, and humanity proves me right every day (or prove me wrong, when my expectations fail, usually due to negligence or avoidable mistakes). But, beyond that, everything is alright, I like funny people, until the point there is no fun, but they are still interesting, until the point their "threats" makes me feel uncomfortable and put me in situations where I don't really want to be.
It seems that I'm not describing anything extraordinary, but that's all for now. In the next post I would describe how I put myself inside of some brainwashing cults, and let the brainwashing affect me by acceptance, but not completely by identification, and then I started to destroy those cults from the inside. I became someone like an informer and a counter-intelligence wannabe. I think these experiences had an impact on my actual transformation.
I forgot to mention that when I have my profile, I'm going to search my "soul mate" on this forum, I mean the exact same profile like a mirror, because I need to have a significant conversation with her/him.