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Thread: 4w5s + love

  1. #1
    Senior Member lulabelle's Avatar
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    Default 4w5s + love

    i'm a 4w5 (4w5 9w8 5w4 sx/sp INFP) and am wondering with which types we tend to have good relationships. i am intensely withdrawn + feel like within me is an emotional ecosystem that can quite happily sustain + entertain itself forever yet i crave that perfectly understanding partner to resonate with me/it. what have your experiences in love been like? what is the enneagram and MBTI of your most compatible partner?

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    Quote Originally Posted by lulabelle View Post
    i'm a 4w5 (4w5 9w8 5w4 INFP) and am wondering who this type tends to partner up with. i am intensely withdrawn + feel like within me is an emotional ecosystem that can quite happily itself forever yet i crave that perfectly understanding partner to resonate with me/it. what have your experiences in love been like? what is the enneagram and MBTI of your most wonderful partner?
    For me, I bond intensely with partners and tend to stay with them for a long time. I find no need for a social circle outside of the relationship but I also enjoy my partner giving me a lot of space in the relationship. I don't want to be joined at the hip. But I do want my iteractions with my parters to be intense. I would rather have one significant other than a group of acquaintances. I don't think there is a type I tend to partner up with (With regards to MBTI or enneagram either) but I do tend to partner with those guys who for either ideological or other reasons are quite Bohemian. The fringe of society, small social circle, wanting to be non-conformist. They usually express this with kink in the bedroom or have alternate sexuality.

    Mostly my relationships have been trainwrecks so I can't comment on the most wonderful match. But by far the most intense match was my recent. Our sexual energy was very high but it was a relationship that simply could not have worked in the longterm. The fact it was short-lived was I think the biggest aspect of disillusionment for me. I found it hard to let go when the time came to do so because the lead up to that had been great. I did let go because logically I knew that was the only possible outcome but I secretly bled for a very long time. It is still a raw memory for me actually.

    If I could characterise my relationship dynamic I think disillusionment would have to be it. I have a habit of entering relationships I know on a subconscious level aren't going to last, but I still get disappointed when the connection breaks. I am a self sufficient unit but a part of me still craves connection of the sort your describe. I find I have to bury my sex drive constantly to maintain equanimity as a single person.
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  3. #3
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chthonic View Post
    I am a self sufficient unit but a part of me still craves connection of the sort your describe. I find I have to bury my sex drive constantly to maintain equanimity as a single person.
    It's almost impossible for me to bury this, and I've only done it when basically enamored with something else, like a project, which proved to be a distraction. It's not just sexual, but the whole romantic dynamic. Lacking it, I am very on-edge emotionally.

    I can be self-sufficient in practical ways & don't have a strong need for socializing, and so many people think I choose to be single because I am independent and don't "need" a relationship. It's strange to me how many view romantic relationships through that lens. They think more in terms of a helper in life, a social niche - not in terms of intimacy. They think the only problem with being single is being lonely, and that friendships solve this. They all sound asexual to me, although I don't think their libidos are lower; because like I said, it's really more about intimacy, not sex. That level of closeness with a friend would cease to be platonic, and I have that approached that in friendship; it gets to a point where it's kind of obsessive, and with a male friend, I think it would inevitably become romantic. So I mostly have female friendships now or keep male friends at arm's length if there is no possibility of us dating (as I don't do casual sex or FWB or anything like that).

    I have not had a very successful relationship, but those I dated more seriously were usually intellectual and/or cultured with shared beliefs and values. I think I am more "INFP" in who I date than "4".
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe
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  4. #4
    alchemist Legion's Avatar
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    Your MBTI says Fi dom, your socionics says Ni dom.

    Doing it for each

    For INFP 4(95), the best partner would be ESTJ 1(37)

    For INFJ 4(95), the best partner would be... idk, because ESTP doesn't seem likely to be 1 or 2. Maybe ESTP type 8?

  5. #5
    Senior Member lulabelle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Legion View Post
    Your MBTI says Fi dom, your socionics says Ni dom.

    Doing it for each

    For INFP 4(95), the best partner would be ESTJ 1(37)

    For INFJ 4(95), the best partner would be... idk, because ESTP doesn't seem likely to be 1 or 2. Maybe ESTP type 8?
    i can't imagine myself with an ESTJ ever. ever. i need someone with strong iNtuition and/or feelz who will appreciate and understand my weird creativity. i only ever hear of 4w5s with other iNtuitives. the one exception to this would be the INFP-ISFP pairing which occurs because of that deep Fi connection, i suppose.
    i think INFP enneagram 9s tend to be the ones who partner with ESTJs + it generally seems to go up in flames anyway.

    also, socionics is v confusing to me. still trying to figure out where i stand

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    In a relevant tangent, I got a book out of the library on how to read my natal chart. I did an overlay between my chart and my last partner, it was scarily accurate. The lowdown....

    - You will both feel an intense magnetic sexual pull. The attraction will be undeniable.
    - You make a charming couple and can achieve great things together if you learn to work together.
    - If you choose to live together it will lead to an irrevocable breakup because of your divergent tastes and goals.
    - There will be a massive communication problem unless one of you compromises.

    Pretty much sums up the relationship. It did help to realise that the chances of this working were very slim indeed so I could stop beating myself up over what went wrong and just accept it. Learning to read natal charts (as a tool for understanding and analysis rather than a divination tool) was one of the best things I did. I also read the other relationships in a chart overlay and what I found there related very closely to what happened. The book I used was called Everything Astrology and it's a good basic primer into this kind of analysis.

  7. #7
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    I'm an enfp 972 or 729 sx/sp dating an infp 469 sp/sx were super close but honestly the fi levels are outta hand and 4s are difficult people i think

    plus two idealists in a relationship omg

    i think we're just harder to please. No one ever does it exactly the way we want them to.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  8. #8
    Senior Member senza tema's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady_X View Post
    I'm an enfp 972 or 729 sx/sp dating an infp 469 sp/sx were super close but honestly the fi levels are outta hand and 4s are difficult people i think

    plus two idealists in a relationship omg

    i think we're just harder to please. No one ever does it exactly the way we want them to.
    Are you a 7 or a 9?

    I'll be perfectly honest and say the 4/7 combination is a challenging one for longterm relationships. Based on personal experience, I think the relationship is fun and exciting and adventurous and passionate at first but the 4 eventually wears the 7 down with relentless demands for emotional intensity all the time, the 7 starts feeling bored and trapped and reacts less and less, the 4 doesn't take the hint and keeps badgering while feeling wounded and unsatisfied, the 7 ultimately bails, and the 4 throws a "woe is me" pity party for one.

    I'd actually be interested in hearing how you guys make it work if you are indeed a 7. I don't know much about 9/4 relationships, I think there would be another set of problems there but I have limited first hand experience. My inclination though is to say it sounds easier that 4/7.
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  9. #9
    Glamour puss with a tan Raffaella's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lulabelle View Post
    i think INFP enneagram 9s tend to be the ones who partner with ESTJs + it generally seems to go up in flames anyway.
    You keep projecting negative relationship experiences onto all INFPs. Not cool, dude. Speak for yourself not others.

  10. #10
    Senior Member lulabelle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deceptive View Post
    You keep projecting negative relationship experiences onto all INFPs. Not cool, dude. Speak for yourself not others.
    i'm just reporting what i see people say about these relationships on various forums. it is my understanding that the ESTJ-INFP dynamic is often quite a fraught one (and i simply have never seen this relationship with 4w5 INFPs). if you have different experiences or know others with different experiences, please chime in!

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