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[Traditional Enneagram] How do you feel when taking care of your third instinct/blindspot?

S

Stansmith

Guest
What have your experiences been like?

I enjoy doing a lot of the little things associated with Sp-instinct ('cooking', doing chores, planning out meals, carefully selecting foods when grocery shopping, putting money and time to good use, etc.), although I find a lot of the more intensive Sp-related stuff intimidating. The level of engagement that I experience when doing the former could be a Te-fetish thing also, since I often end up doing a lot of that sort of stuff when I'm under stress.
 
0

011235813

Guest
I don't really know if I take care of it? I don't know what taking care of the social instinct would mean. I occasionally read the news and feel proud of myself for being up to date on everything but it doesn't last long enough to be worthwhile and I go back to feeling inept pretty quickly.

I enjoy reading social dynamics (especially when I find out later that I'm right about them) but it's a strictly observational thing. I would get eaten alive if I participated ... not that I'd particularly want to participate. Ever.
 

Evo

Unapologetic being
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What have your experiences been like?

I enjoy doing a lot of the little things associated with Sp-instinct ('cooking', doing chores, planning out meals, carefully selecting foods when grocery shopping, putting money and time to good use, etc.), although I find a lot of the more intensive Sp-related stuff intimidating. The level of engagement that I experience when doing the former could be a Te-fetish thing also, since I often end up doing a lot of that sort of stuff when I'm under stress.

I find this really interesting. I love doing all of those things you've mentioned.

What do you consider to be intensive then?

***

For me the so last is a chore.

Like everything though....once I do it, I realize it's not that bad. But getting me to do it is so very hard.

Examples would mostly be with my friends. My poor friends :dont: They wouldn't hear from me for months if they didn't nag me.

Specifically I have one so dom friend, that consistantly gets disappointed that I don't text him back to say "How's your day?" or little small talk like that. I just read the texts and then continue to do what ever I'm doing. I have tried to remind myself to set more time for my friends but it's just not easy for me.

Also I'm not good about showing up to social things on time, especially if it's just to please someone. And when I do, it doesn't leave any long lasting effects.

However, I do love hanging out with a huge group of people. I like to host things. Doing that kind of stuff gives me a breath of fresh air. :thinking:
 

five sounds

MyPeeSmellsLikeCoffee247
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For me the so last is a chore.

Like everything though....once I do it, I realize it's not that bad. But getting me to do it is so very hard.

Examples would mostly be with my friends. My poor friends :dont: They wouldn't hear from me for months if they didn't nag me.

Specifically I have one so dom friend, that consistantly gets disappointed that I don't text him back to say "How's your day?" or little small talk like that. I just read the texts and then continue to do what ever I'm doing. I have tried to remind myself to set more time for my friends but it's just not easy for me.

Also I'm not good about showing up to social things on time, especially if it's just to please someone. And when I do, it doesn't leave any long lasting effects.

However, I do love hanging out with a huge group of people. I like to host things. Doing that kind of stuff gives me a breath of fresh air. :thinking:

yes to all of this! ugh i'm the worst at staying connected with people. i have one friend who i think is so-dom, ENFJ 2w3, and she's awesome, but i constantly feel like i'm disappointing her. i just like can't keep up. fortunately, she like gets me, and i put forth effort to make it to enough things so she knows i still love her. but yeah, i can feel like it's really demanding sometimes, and it's so obvious that's just her natural state.
 

Chad of the OttomanEmpire

Give me a fourth dot.
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Assuming my last instinct is self-pres: I just feel like it's not what I want to be doing; not important, a chore to do as quickly as possible. Example--home repairs, buying clothes, furniture, etc. Thinking of managing a mortgage (dread). Thought of setting down roots (booooring). Getting a house in the suburbs to pass on to future generations (terror).

Assuming my last instinct is social: I just know I suck at maintaining bonds and influencing people. I am ashamed of this short-coming. As a consequence, I try to avoid social interactions and group-work even more. It feels like torture trying to make myself "mingle", bond, reach out to others, keep up with them, blah blah. (I know that this stuff isn't technically social-instinct related, but have been considering it anyway). I'm not great at observing who's doing what in any given situation, as social-firsts are said to do. Other things, like the news and social phenomena ARE fun for me.
 
B

brainheart

Guest
Assuming my last instinct is self-pres: I just feel like it's not what I want to be doing; not important, a chore to do as quickly as possible. Example--home repairs, buying clothes, furniture, etc. Thinking of managing a mortgage (dread). Thought of setting down roots (booooring). Getting a house in the suburbs to pass on to future generations (terror).

I have yet to meet a sx first XNXP who likes doing this stuff. Just saying. I think I just vomited a bit reading that, honestly.

Oh, to answer the OP... when taking care of my third instinct I feel like I would rather be sitting in a dentist's chair.

I think it's got to be different for self pres last people, because self pres stuff is, um, kind of required to stay alive. In other words, you have to attend to it to some extent or you will be dead.
 

Chad of the OttomanEmpire

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Oh, to answer the OP... when taking care of my third instinct I feel like I would rather be sitting in a dentist's chair.
This is my problem...how much is being an xNxP, and how much is being sp-last??

Contrariwise, how much of my general lifestyle is being a social-last, and how much is me having been a socially ostracized kid with crappy Fe skills? It gets tricky!

I can see an argument either way, though I stick with sx/soc because I know when I become vested in a group or social affairs, I do behave like the profile of sx/soc. (I am open to someone changing my mind).

Also note (anyone who's interested), I've seen the social blindspot in my mother. With her, there's sort of a lack of interest in larger affairs beyond home and family. She sees community affairs as irrelevant, struggles not to feel like a "child" in extended-family situations, and doesn't really "get it" that the group can move against you and hurt you. She was not sympathetic company to me when I was got made fun of as a kid, because she honestly believed that stuff couldn't affect you if you didn't want it to. She's an ISFJ, (so clearly Fe isn't everything). She's also a 9w1/945 for reference.

So, basically, to her, this stuff seems irrelevant and she feels awkward trying. She treats it with skepticism and wonders why anyone would bother to get upset with it. It may not be the same for everyone, but it's fairly typical of what I read about blindspots.
 

OrangeAppled

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What have your experiences been like?

I enjoy doing a lot of the little things associated with Sp-instinct ('cooking', doing chores, planning out meals, carefully selecting foods when grocery shopping, putting money and time to good use, etc.), although I find a lot of the more intensive Sp-related stuff intimidating. The level of engagement that I experience when doing the former could be a Te-fetish thing also, since I often end up doing a lot of that sort of stuff when I'm under stress.

I hate most of that stuff. Anything to do with chores or cleaning....blech. My ISFJ sp mom likes it though.
I don't mind cooking if super fast & easy. I like the idea of trying new recipes, but am not motivated to much.
I've never had money for much decorating, but I've found I like the idea of it more than doing it. I get bored or frustrated quickly with the physical part of putting stuff together (been in my apt 6 months - have not hung so much as one picture).
I DO like clothes & makuep shopping & playing with different looks.

Anyway, being sp-dom, this isn't really anything I'm that into. It's more about personal interests & tastes than chores or home improvement.

---

But back to the OP...
Taking care of my so instinct involves
- saying yes to social invites when I'd rather not go because I know I'm getting too isolated (I admit I go with hopes of meeting a potential romantic partner)
- making myself talk to people I don't know at social things, or even people I do know (ie not running out right after a class)
- the news thing, as someone else noted (I usually hear news via other people in conversation); and flipping through a trashy gossip magazine while getting my hair done & feeling smug that I don't recognize most names or faces)
- paying more attention to a group dynamic, trying to see my place it, but usually giving up on having any clear idea
- finding out some development in a group, but also being the last to know, yet not feeling bad, more like impressed I know anything at all
- letting people celebrate stuff for me or acknowledge some achievement of mine. For example, I let my mom throw me grad parties for various graduations except my college one. I do regret it, but in the moment, I just don't value the social significance of it
- going along with some family or religious traditions instead my usual eye-rolling
- making myself call/text friends/family I haven't talked to in a bit, when normally I just fall off the face of the earth & they must call me
- feeble attempts to plan something social, which almost never works (even one-on-one stuff), unless someone else co-ops the plan

EDIT: This is probably more relevant actually
- making real effort to shop or buy from local/independent sources more
- doing volunteer work, which has elements of social ideals behind it (but I admit I'm motivated more by a personal spirituality); quit my full time job to work at home for the flexibility to do more
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
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I find this really interesting. I love doing all of those things you've mentioned.

What do you consider to be intensive then?

***

For me the so last is a chore.

Like everything though....once I do it, I realize it's not that bad. But getting me to do it is so very hard.

Examples would mostly be with my friends. My poor friends :dont: They wouldn't hear from me for months if they didn't nag me.

Specifically I have one so dom friend, that consistantly gets disappointed that I don't text him back to say "How's your day?" or little small talk like that. I just read the texts and then continue to do what ever I'm doing. I have tried to remind myself to set more time for my friends but it's just not easy for me.

Also I'm not good about showing up to social things on time, especially if it's just to please someone. And when I do, it doesn't leave any long lasting effects.

However, I do love hanging out with a huge group of people. I like to host things. Doing that kind of stuff gives me a breath of fresh air. :thinking:

Yeah, I could have written the post above.

Oftentimes though, as bad as it may sound, it has to do if I am the one willingly forming the group or not. If so, I can be fairly "invested".
 

Southern Kross

Away with the fairies
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What have your experiences been like?

I enjoy doing a lot of the little things associated with Sp-instinct ('cooking', doing chores, planning out meals, carefully selecting foods when grocery shopping, putting money and time to good use, etc.), although I find a lot of the more intensive Sp-related stuff intimidating. The level of engagement that I experience when doing the former could be a Te-fetish thing also, since I often end up doing a lot of that sort of stuff when I'm under stress.
Not to derail, but these aren't necessarily Sp related. Cooking can be a 'passion' activity (ie. Sx), for example.

Personally speaking, my sister Sx-dom sister is amazing at these things. She is a major foodie.
 

Evo

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Yeah, I could have written the post above.

Oftentimes though, as bad as it may sound, it has to do if I am the one willingly forming the group or not. If so, I can be fairly "invested".

Oh yea, if I'm the one planning or something like that, then I'm extremely invested.

But the everyday "Hi, how was your day?" is very hard for me to immediately respond to, and get a convo going out of that. My so friends seem to need that.
 

small.wonder

So she did.
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The way I take care of my Sp is by trying to actually preserve myself (which is usually very much an afterthought). This includes being prepared (cash for public transit, umbrella if it's supposed to rain, putting gas in my car, eating breakfast, etc.), actually trying to be safe(r), and not sharing my emotional self with others too quickly. I'm actually pretty bad about a lot of those things.

Looking at 4 flavored Sp specifically, I have grown a lot. My pain tolerance has grown emensely over time, and I've gained the ability to suffer (more) silently than I have in the past.
 

Glint

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I rarely feel the desire to get close to someone, but the few times I have, I become incredibly stressed out and dysphoric until I either: 1. act on the instinct and approach the person, or 2. rationalize enough and the feelings pass.
When I'm not feelin the feels, I'm pretty much entirely unresponsive to attempts by other people to approach me. . .

If I do end up approaching the person.. so far, after a short period of time it has always turned to my feeling that the other person is too clingy/invasive of my personal solitude, which further stresses me out. Being asked about my whereabouts is the primary offender here. I end up backing away, growing distant, the whole fiasco just dies off quickly after that and I return to baseline.
 

Raffaella

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It's akin to that feeling when you've found something you've forgotten you had but for whatever reason you find it useful so you can't throw it out.

I tend forget how amazing sleep feels after a night out until my head hits my pillow; it's only then I realise what I was searching for wasn't so- driven or sx- driven, it's sp. I find that I can't gauge how exhausted my mind is until I close my eyes. Similar to cooking something that requires more culinary skills (well, more than dicing), it's a strange feeling, it's a blissful feeling of discovering something new and recognising what you've been missing. It's entangled with slight regret, too, questioning if I was wasting my life and why I paid little attention to what everyone considers essential to survival and then disappointment, knowing I can keep it up for a very short period before something else draws my attention.

I'm also confused when people discuss sp needs IRL, I tend to dismiss them quickly as fussy people with simple desires that can be ignored or met very easily.
 

chickpea

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i like actually having a group of friends that i feel comfortable with, although it's rare and usually pretty small. i'm interested in social politics from an observer's perspective, and can be a gossip. i'm horrible at actually keeping in contact with people, but i do keep tabs on people from my past from a distance (aka internet stalking).
 

skylights

i love
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Oh yea, if I'm the one planning or something like that, then I'm extremely invested.

But the everyday "Hi, how was your day?" is very hard for me to immediately respond to, and get a convo going out of that. My so friends seem to need that.

That's interesting, and good to know. To me it's like an immediate holistic "where are you at" sort of question. I never really thought about it being hard for someone to respond to.

I usually feel bored and/or overwhelmed by sp stuff. I feel like I subvert some of it into sx stuff - like taking long hot showers and making a "spa night" of doing all the little hygiene maintenance stuff - or I just ignore it til the last minute and it becomes an enveloping rush to get it done, which is at least easier than trying to deal with it otherwise.
 

HongDou

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That's interesting, and good to know. To me it's like an immediate holistic "where are you at" sort of question. I never really thought about it being hard for someone to respond to.

A good alternative is enthusiastically saying "omg tell me about your life!! what did i miss?" :D It's sort of become an instinct of mine over the years - I think I picked it up because of my friends. Instead of talking about the casual stuff we're up to during the day we get right into what's actually going on in our lives.

I usually feel bored and/or overwhelmed by sp stuff. I feel like I subvert some of it into sx stuff - like taking long hot showers and making a "spa night" of doing all the little hygiene maintenance stuff - or I just ignore it til the last minute and it becomes an enveloping rush to get it done, which is at least easier than trying to deal with it otherwise.

Yeah, same here. Probably more 7-ish, but I only get motivated for sp stuff if I've gotten myself excited about how I'm gonna maintain my room or shaving my legs. I also subvert some of the stuff to sx like going to the gym to up my attractiveness. Of course every time I leave I leave feeling just great about myself, but if I am honest the main reason I go is to not let myself go and also increase how appealing I look to others.
 

Chthonic

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I never indulge So really. Those tedious hellos and goodbyes, the need to give people my attention even when I'd rather pick my own toenails instead. Lets just say it gives me mostly a steely persona that most people shy away from. Job done, avoiding So down to a fine art. :D
 
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