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  1. #1
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Default How to Help Other Enneagram Types

    From this page. What do you think about the suggestions listed for your type? Are there any suggestions you'd add?

    When I consider people I'm close to of the different types, I'd say these were pretty good for most of them. And I thought the e5 suggestions rang pretty true for me (the e4 suggestions are strong periphery needs as well).


    Type 1
    -Encourage me to go easy on myself and to take time for myself.
    -Provide me with a nonjudgmental viewpoint.
    -Remind me that the goal in life is to be human, not to be without fault.

    Type 2
    -Appreciate my independent self instead of being seduced by or dependent on the help I give.
    -Pay attention to my real needs and ask about them.
    -Reinforce me for saying no when appropriate.
    -Express appreciation for my giving.

    Type 3
    -Encourage me to pay attention to feelings and relationships.
    -Show me you care for me for who I am, not for what I have accomplished.
    -Be supportive when I tell you what is really true for me.
    -Let me know what is really important to you.
    -Remind me to slow down and smell the roses.

    Type 4
    -Encourage me to keep my attention on what is positive in the present.
    -Honor my feelings and my idealism.
    -Reveal your real feelings and true reactions.
    -Let me see that you really understand me instead of trying to change me.

    Type 5
    -Respect my need for privacy and space.
    -Make clear distinctions between your requests and your demands.
    -Provide moderate feedback about your own feelings and concerns.
    -Encourage me to be self-disclosing and to express my feelings in the here and now.
    -Appreciate my sensitivity.
    -Appreciate my ability to life and let live.

    Type 6
    -Be consistent and trustworthy with me.
    -Be self-disclosing and encourage me to be self-disclosing.
    -Counter my doubts and fears with positive and reassuring alternatives that are realistic.

    Type 7
    -Support me when I slow down and stick with my commitments.
    -Let me know what and how important your own needs and wants are.
    -Encourage me to deal with pain, fear, and restlessness rather than escaping from these feelings.
    -Help me keep things simple and in the present.

    Type 8
    -Stand your ground.
    -Stay firm.
    -Be forthright.
    -Speak your own truth.
    -Provide feedback about my impact on you.
    -Support me when I reveal softer feelings and vulnerabilities.

    Type 9
    -Encourage me to express my own position.
    -Ask me what I want and what is good for me, and give me time to figure out the answer.
    -Support me when I act responsibly toward myself.
    -Allow me to acknowledge my anger.
    -Encourage me to set and keep my own boundaries, limits, priorities.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

  2. #2
    Junior Member blurry's Avatar
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    Very cool.

    I'd say the last point for the nine could go for the two as well - especially about helping set boundaries.
    And I'm not completely sure about those first points for the 8, they sound just like descriptions of how 8s try to act in the world, although mirroring someone's behaviour can always be a helpful thing for a person to see. I think the last point for the 8 nails it, to help them open their heart up a bit and put down their sword for a while.

    "So you say you're under a curse? Well so what, so's the whole damn world."


  3. #3
    untitled Chanaynay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    Type 6
    -Be consistent and trustworthy with me.
    Yes.

    -Be self-disclosing and encourage me to be self-disclosing.
    Yes. I feel more connected with someone when we're self-disclosing with each other. Although I'm usually a pretty open person, I guess it's the negative parts of me I don't really often go to people about so that's probably the part that needs encouragement.

    -Counter my doubts and fears with positive and reassuring alternatives that are realistic.
    I'm generally a positive person but I do have my doubts sometimes. Most - if not all - of the time when I go to people with my insecurities I'm not looking to hear reassurance that things will go okay (I don't need that since I am already a huge optimist; it actually pisses me off a little when people give me this response because it feels like they're doubting my capacity for hope), but realistic possibilities that could happen in the future or ways I can easiest deal with something that I'm worried could happen so it's the bold part I see as most important. When I'm anxious about something I like being equipped with ammo for gunning down potential problems if they arise.

    Type 7
    -Support me when I slow down and stick with my commitments.
    Yes, or maybe encourage me to slow down and stick with something from the start.

    -Let me know what and how important your own needs and wants are.
    Totally true. If you don't tell me what you need or want I'll just be in my own bubble. Once you tell me I can be more vigilant, but if you act like everything's fine then I will too.

    -Encourage me to deal with pain, fear, and restlessness rather than escaping from these feelings.
    Yeah, my mom did this a lot with me in high school when I felt like just giving up on assignments. Actually she would do some assignments for me sometimes when I got too sleepy. But yes, try to stop me from running away from things I don't want to deal with. I'm actually struggling with this in college right now, I have no one to sit me down and tell me to work. I have no sense of self-discipline at all so my GPA is at the lowest it's ever been in my academic career. I need a 3.0 by the end of the year to keep my scholarship and I got a 2.9 this semester. Let's hope I can get my ass in gear next semester.

    -Help me keep things simple and in the present.
    Mmmyes. I kind of simultaneously act in the future and in the present at the same time, it's hard to explain. Like trying to cover my bases that potentially don't even need to be covered. I need someone to remind me to just deal with things as they come.

    Overall, I think this was pretty good.
    7w6 - 2w3 - 8w7 sx/so


  4. #4
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by blurry View Post
    And I'm not completely sure about those first points for the 8, they sound just like descriptions of how 8s try to act in the world, although mirroring someone's behaviour can always be a helpful thing for a person to see.
    Yes, it does read a bit more like a description of them than a suggestion on how to be supportive. My ex-husband is an 8- as well as a friend I grew up with- and I *think* they'd sorta resent people not standing up for themselves because it doesn't feel good to steamroll people? They wouldn't outwardly feel remorse, they'd get defensive instead (e.g. "I refuse to feel bad because <blah blah blah>"). But when people stand their ground, there's nothing to get defensive about.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

  5. #5
    Junior Member blurry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    Yes, it does read a bit more like a description of them than a suggestion on how to be supportive. My ex-husband is an 8- as well as a friend I grew up with- and I *think* they'd sorta resent people not standing up for themselves because it doesn't feel good to steamroll people? They wouldn't outwardly feel remorse, they'd get defensive instead (e.g. "I refuse to feel bad because <blah blah blah>"). But when people stand their ground, there's nothing to get defensive about.
    Interesting. I know that friendship is very important to an 8, and I would think the values they'd look for in their friends are people who are other 'strong-minded no-nonsense kind of people' - who stand up for themselves etc.. Like you see all these rap guys, who are often 8s, and although they can be very dismissive to the people they consider 'on the other side' - they have very strong ties to their friends around them, like a gang.

    On the other hand, my older brother is an 8, and sometimes if I'm confrontational to something he says he gets downright defensive and acts persecuted. Sometimes the only way is to let it go. Standing up for yourself may actually be a good way of behaving with an 8, but confronting them back with the energy they sometimes aggressively put out there can lead to trouble, it seems.

    "So you say you're under a curse? Well so what, so's the whole damn world."


  6. #6
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    Hey pretty nice stuff!


    Type 7

    -Support me when I slow down and stick with my commitments.

    I don't really have a problem with slowing down but sure, paying more attention to some responsibilities would be good. No idea though what kind of support I'd need for that, I mean, my mother used to say some such stuff to me but it was in one ear out the other, I just did those tasks when I decided to finally do it (or will do it )


    -Let me know what and how important your own needs and wants are.

    Yes. I'm not a mind reader.


    -Encourage me to deal with pain, fear, and restlessness rather than escaping from these feelings.

    Well no, I can encourage myself fine to deal with issues, I don't need to hear this sort of stuff from anyone.


    -Help me keep things simple and in the present.

    I'm already in the present


    Type 8

    -Stand your ground.

    Yes, please!


    -Stay firm.

    Yeah I guess fine, but sometimes it would be easier if not hahah


    -Be forthright.

    Yes, that's good!


    -Speak your own truth.

    Of course


    -Provide feedback about my impact on you.

    Yes, this would be very good. Just please not in such generic terms such as "you're intimidating", or "your style is too tough"
    I have heard these before but need a bit more specifics I think...


    -Support me when I reveal softer feelings and vulnerabilities.

    Uh, I guess, but what exactly is meant by support here? I can't really imagine this scenario tbh


    Quote Originally Posted by blurry View Post
    And I'm not completely sure about those first points for the 8, they sound just like descriptions of how 8s try to act in the world, although mirroring someone's behaviour can always be a helpful thing for a person to see. I think the last point for the 8 nails it, to help them open their heart up a bit and put down their sword for a while.
    It's not about mirroring, it's about being able to even communicate.

    That last point is pretty vague to me, isn't it to you?


    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    Yes, it does read a bit more like a description of them than a suggestion on how to be supportive. My ex-husband is an 8- as well as a friend I grew up with- and I *think* they'd sorta resent people not standing up for themselves because it doesn't feel good to steamroll people? They wouldn't outwardly feel remorse, they'd get defensive instead (e.g. "I refuse to feel bad because <blah blah blah>"). But when people stand their ground, there's nothing to get defensive about.
    It doesn't feel good steamrolling someone too easily because then I'm suddenly left with nothing to interact with Or if it's about a problem that I want to discuss/sort with the other party and they just respond like that, that is, they can't take my style etc, then it's a pain in the ass because then the problem can't be solved.

    I guess you are right about the feeling remorse vs being defensive thing too.


    Quote Originally Posted by blurry View Post
    Interesting. I know that friendship is very important to an 8, and I would think the values they'd look for in their friends are people who are other 'strong-minded no-nonsense kind of people' - who stand up for themselves etc.. Like you see all these rap guys, who are often 8s, and although they can be very dismissive to the people they consider 'on the other side' - they have very strong ties to their friends around them, like a gang.
    I don't necessarily need my friends to be 'strong-minded no-nonsense kind of people'. It's okay but I sometimes like people of quite the opposite kind too: soft, feely, whatever. I don't actually have a strong preference for friends to be the tough no-nonsense type.

    Oh and crappy stereotype about rap guys.


    On the other hand, my older brother is an 8, and sometimes if I'm confrontational to something he says he gets downright defensive and acts persecuted. Sometimes the only way is to let it go. Standing up for yourself may actually be a good way of behaving with an 8, but confronting them back with the energy they sometimes aggressively put out there can lead to trouble, it seems.
    What sort of things does he get defensive about like this?

    Trouble, depends how you define trouble *shrug* :p

  7. #7
    Junior Member blurry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by valaki View Post
    -Support me when I reveal softer feelings and vulnerabilities.

    Uh, I guess, but what exactly is meant by support here? I can't really imagine this scenario tbh
    To me, it's about how 8's are essentially denying that they have any weakness or vulnerability when they portray themselves as tough. It seems imperative to the growth of an 8 for them to allow their feelings of weakness - however much they want to be avoided - and openly allow them to unfold. Of course this seems like a very individual process - but helping to establish an open environment where softer emotions can be felt seems like a healthy thing to do.


    Oh and crappy stereotype about rap guys.
    I'm not so sure...of course it's a generalization but that whole culture seems quite 8ish to me.

    What sort of things does he get defensive about like this?

    Trouble, depends how you define trouble *shrug* :p
    My brother and I got into a bit of an argument one time about humanity - he was saying how humans haven't evolved very much from a tribal, kill-or-be-killed way of living, and how it motivates everything we do. I was saying I thought that was true to a certain extent - but our consciousness has evolved from those times to more subtle points of living. When I didn't accept his point of view, it was like he completely shut down - he became white in the face, said 'this is bullshit' and left the room. Sure, it was just an argument, but not the best outcome for a conversation - I think it was a point he felt very strongly about...

    "So you say you're under a curse? Well so what, so's the whole damn world."


  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by blurry View Post
    To me, it's about how 8's are essentially denying that they have any weakness or vulnerability when they portray themselves as tough. It seems imperative to the growth of an 8 for them to allow their feelings of weakness - however much they want to be avoided - and openly allow them to unfold. Of course this seems like a very individual process - but helping to establish an open environment where softer emotions can be felt seems like a healthy thing to do.
    Yea I get that, but how do you imagine establishing such an environment?


    I'm not so sure...of course it's a generalization but that whole culture seems quite 8ish to me.
    I didn't say it wasn't 8ish, just don't like stereotypes.


    My brother and I got into a bit of an argument one time about humanity - he was saying how humans haven't evolved very much from a tribal, kill-or-be-killed way of living, and how it motivates everything we do. I was saying I thought that was true to a certain extent - but our consciousness has evolved from those times to more subtle points of living. When I didn't accept his point of view, it was like he completely shut down - he became white in the face, said 'this is bullshit' and left the room. Sure, it was just an argument, but not the best outcome for a conversation - I think it was a point he felt very strongly about...
    Interesting. Btw I don't agree with his view, a lot of people just are not like that. Sure, other people are more motivated by these things. Also this about it motivating everything we do, I don't agree there either, there's so many activities that are not related to survival. E.g. if I read a book or think about concepts, that's not really related to it, is it... I would sum all this up by saying that we have a brain that evolved to be more complex than that... it's no longer about just survival. We got more efficient at getting food/etc and the rest of our time is spent with other, totally unrelated bs :p Well ok, in certain countries life is probably not as comfortable as in our western countries, and even here it isn't for some people.

    And heh I remember now I argued with someone else over something similar recently (he typed as 8 too). :p He got into ad hominem attacking after a while and then just shut up after that so it all became pointless *shrug*

  9. #9
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    double weirdness.

  10. #10
    brainheart
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    The four one definitely works for me, especially:

    -Reveal your real feelings and true reactions.
    -Let me see that you really understand me instead of trying to change me.

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