- It helps to establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home staring at the walls, where are you at mentally and emotionally? (For example, many 4s report that their baseline is "melancholy").
Depends on the time of day. Baseline mood after about 8pm when my brain stops working, I get very very sad. During the day I can have wide variety of moods depending on circumstance, brain chemistry, physical health. If I am engaged in my creative work I'm more focused & calm rather than moody. If I"m doing anything else or dealing with people it can change drastically and be unpredictable even to myself. I take long walks with headphones to release my rage and sadness along with rage-music and then my mind is clear & I am relatively sane/focused/less moody.
I wrote this last night:
But I would not say my baseline mood is melancholy? Not really sure.
- Where were you as a little kid? Was there any perception you remember having that you can't find any reason for?
Yes I always thought my mother loved my brother more, though I still think I have good reason to believe that.
- If you are very familiar with the enneagram, you can generally see yourself in the surrounding types--and if you pay attention, you should be able to see how both influence you all day long.
Yes 100%. In so many ways I won't bore everyone with the list. To name a few, I compartmentalize a lot, I am overprotective of my privacy and can react badly when my territory is invaded. I always feel incompetent or like I don't know enough. But then given my heavy 3 wing I tend to march in and do things anyway, and once I get my mind set on a project nothing can stop me... I do and do and do until I drop. When I'm not focused on my own, set project, I can be more lazy/relaxed/ etc.
- What is your super-ego always telling you? I read Maitri recently, and she suggests writing out a conversation between your id, ego, and super-ego. When I did so, my type became very obvious. Listen to the ways you think you "should" be, and the things you've done to live up to that image.
My music should be better, my writing should be better, I should work harder, adn most of all, I should be better at relationships and stop expecting to be rejected; because this pushes people away and ironically leads to rejection
- What is your ego ideal? I mean, how would you ideally be if given the chance (you don't necessarily have to live up to it--I certainly fail at living up to mine, lol).
Having integrity. Integrity of self. True to myself
, not someone else's rules. Part of being true to myself includes being respectful to others though, and forgiving & kind to those I love (kindness includes honesty when they hurt me or hurt themselves).. because my compassion and empathy and sensitivity is a very real thing, and I am being dishonest when I shut it out (I learned this the hard way).
- What pisses you off for others to observe in you? You should have some sort of ego reaction against people attacking your defenses and get angry or feel "hurt".
Weakness... being too intensely obsessed with someone and not being able to be up front about it because my feelings seem 'too intense' and I'm so worried about driving them away. My weakness is mostly pertaining to my fucking idiocy in romance, which ends up hurting me more than anyone else.
When people tell me I'm self destructive I am inclined to agree, so it doesn't piss me off. However i try not to self-destruct.
- What "felt sense" do you have of your childhood? Were you deprived? Wronged? Abandoned? If you're not sure, write a short autobiography and try to determine what you are upset about.
As a child I believed my mother replaced me when I was 2.5 years old and she gave birth to my brother. I always felt that she loved him more, and had him because I wasn't enough. Because of this I was sometimes cruel to my brother as a kid, and I was angry and difficult to deal with at home. I isolated myself in my room a lot and told stories in my head about men who would love me..even at a young age.
Many of my song lyrics about my parents through the years pertain to abandonment, being left behind, and being rejected... even though my parents never abandoned me and they both love me. My song lyrics about men tend to be in this vein as well, or tend to pertain to being 'not good enough' for a guy who inspires me and is my everything; I tend to apologize for my own weakness in my songs, and for not having what it takes to give him what he deserves. I also write angry songs about my man loving other women more than myself, or sleeping around, or generally not giving me enough importance whereas I practically worship him. My lyrics are where I'm most honest. I write this sort of thing, whether the guy is good to me or not unfortunately. But I know the difference between my own feelings and his actions, so I try to release the problems I have internally, in my creative work, and leave it out of the relationship. This causes problems too because then I am perceived as "not communicating."