At this point, I feel like I'm beyond the enneagram and can't help but question the validity of my type practically everyday. I'm too distant, extraordinarely damaged for no reason and trapped within myself to be a 6 at the lower ends of health, I'm too opinionated and emotionally tormented to be a 9, I haven't always been as melodramatic as a Four, I'm too lazy and clumsy to be a 3 and I'm too pessimistic and passive to be a 7. I'm an enigma and a lifelong hermit.
1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
I want to be happy. I want to feel fulfilled/actualized. I want to feel valuable. I want to be around amazing people and experience amazing things. Feeling some sense of connection to others while feeling uniquely acknowledged for who I am. I want to feel safe and certain.
2. What were you like as a kid?
I was fairly social. I would constantly be outside, even if noone else was. I would wander around my neighborhood hoping someone I recognized was around. Sometimes I'd spend hours, just wandering. Other times I'd finally find a friend and follow them wherever they went.
I was also somewhat spoiled and demanding. I used to manipulate my mother for food, video games, etc. and would often cry and nag to get her to budge. I started to feel different from most other kids at around 12 after developing different tastes. I remember I would even come up with a new name that I felt was more fitting for me, and insisted that others, including teachers referred to me by that name.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
I used to be somewhat attached to my mother (who was the provider) and frustrated with my father. Like many children I depended on her to take me places and do things correctly for me. Once I turned 12 however, I became somewhat distant and extremely self-absorbed. I can't say I've ever shown much obvious affection to them from that point on. Most other people talk about taking their parents out and these intimate, close relationships they have with them, and I'm just confused.
4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
Originality, persistence, independence, poise, spontaneity.
I want to avoid making mistakes, being boring, being unaccomplished, being rejected, being a loser, being forgettable, etc.
5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
I was scared of death and punishment at certain points. I remember being around 10 years old and making up a prayer that I would recite whenever I've sinned, and it became sort of an obsession. I also wondered at times what my mom would do if she found out some of the bad things I had done.
6. a.) How do you see yourself?
I see myself as a blank at this point. I'm self conscious, self pitying, unrealistic, self-doubting, inaffectionate, unlikeable and immature.
b.) How do you want others to see you?
Interesting, extraordinary, charming, affectionate, funny, a person of character and taste.
c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
The ease with which they can connect with others, show affection, belong and find fulfillment.
7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others.
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else.
8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
Doubt, distraction, self-contempt provoked by my internal state, anxiety, and life situation.
9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
When I feel loved and/or actualized. I'm at my worst when I feel alienated, mediocre, or lost
10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
a.) anger: I suppress it 99% of the time, and then become practically hysterical 1% of the time.
b.) shame: Complete self-hatred. Feeling embarassed about who I was in the past, or even a few months ago for the sake of acceptance/deviance, until it eventually becomes an embarrassment over my entire pitiful existence.
c.) anxiety: It's a nameless dread. Sometimes it's obvious and painful, other time's it's not. Sometimes it manifests as restlessness or distractibility, while other times it manifests as complete existential terror, leading me to seek some sort of guidance outside of myself.
11. Describe how you respond to the following:
a.) stress: I either shut off completely, distract myself or became painfully and reluctantly focused on task
b.) negative unexpected change: Depression and complete withdrawal. I might even miss a day or two of school when it happens. With every negative experience comes a strange sense of dejavu, as if it was just inevitable.
c.) conflict: I avoid it or behave passive aggressively
12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
A wallflower. Sometimes I chip in enthusiastically, others times I just watch self-consciously. Other times I dominate conversation.
b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
I'd see myself being maybe a bit too cooperative out of doubt that I can even handle the position.
c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
I don't really care. I always feel detached from group and work dynamics, even in my extroverted moods.
I've had people who I'd obsessively ask for guidance from (who I guess you could call authority figures), but I never feel disdain towards them, just disdain towards the tragedy and unrepairableness of my life situation. They get what they want and have the ability to enjoy whatever life brings them, I don't. I almost want them to agree with me even though they'll always say that it's okay, or relate my situation back to an experience they've had, which they were able to handle productively.
13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
Can't really say.
14. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I trust blindly or passively. My default position is believing that there's some inherent good in others until I'm proven wrong.
15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?
Not really. I'm agnostic and have no interest in politics.