I can't figure out if I am a Four or a Two. A few times in my life I had dealt with major discouragement and it seems like all of the contributing factors came together all at once and there you go, I have huge mental crisis of thinking "I have failed... I will never be better than my failure... what's the use, this failure is on my record... maybe there is something wrong with me... maybe my failure has to do with a defect in my brain, personality, appearance and no matter how good I become the defect will keep me permanently inadequate, so why even try, because I can't fool anybody, others no better."
But the reason why I question being a Four is because once I overcome this with years and time, although I will still be vulnerable to my previous failures I do start to feel good about myself. This is where I start to think I may be a Two, because once I start to feel good about myself, I have some pride, but it seems we all get pride when we are doing good. I just wonder if me being proud of myself after overcoming my troubles in the past is what made me fall on my face. I feel dead when I feel like I am not proud of myself, as if I go between worthless and great, but it seems like the Enneagram's points of integration and disintegration represent the opposites of all feelings that everybody experiences, such as the opposite of when anybody is angry, they are caring like an Eight going to Two and the opposite of success is failure and apathy like a Three disintegrating to Nine, which is also a good description of what I am experiencing right now.
One thing I know is that I can be pretty determined on occassions, yet on the other hand pretty subjective and wimpy under stress. My life blows always started out with the wrong guy coming into my life, treating me badly which is ALWAYS the initial trigger of the lack of self-worth, then that affected my grades and professional success, quadrupling my feelings of low self-worth and self-esteem, making me want to hurt the hell out of myself and throw in the white towel.
If it helps, my dad is a Four and my mom is a Two, which makes me think I could be strong in both, making me something like a Sexual Four or Self-Preservation 2, if combining my parents types could have anything to do with it.
I wish I could forget all of my hurts. These things used to kill me for years on end, but this time around, it has left me feeling numb, like there is no importance to people and our impact on each other.
Edit: I have also always felt my personal life and relationships with my son and friends and having the right significant other were more important and then if all of these things were in order success would come naturally. So I think this is another reason why I am hurt because maybe I have never wanted to be evaluated solely on my success but now I have been and therefore I am evaluating myself in this way. This latest person dumped me because I haven't accomplished enough. But until this point I never thought that I was that much of a loser. I have been raising my son by myself, 30 years-old, and four classes short of graduating.