a long relationship resulting in what i can only describe as ambivalence.
in regards to authority, I'm very good at falling between the cracks. in high school i was very much a brat, but i didn't get punished once, including things others got expelled for. the height of it would have being senior year, when i geared a few friends towards starting a "rebellion" which ended up nicknaming our year the year of Sodom and Gomorra (sounds worst in Hebrew), mainly a lot of pranks, and the gem was the graduation party, when our principle who stood on stage explaining the hardship of the year while characteristically flopping her hands with her fists by her sides like a chicken, and so we released a chicken behind her back onto the stage, mimicking her movements perfectly. during the last few months i only showed up to school for tests and exams. i did find out i missed a few later on, namely gym, and had to finish them after.
in the army my relationship to authority grew softer, more gentle and flexible. i was somewhat depressed by the authority directed at us in training, feeling very trapped, but i survived with friends who felt the same way. then in the second Lebanon war i was an the verge of a nervous break down. nothing made sense to me. runing towards people shooting at you made no sense to me. choosing to be there made no sense to me. putting yourself in a position where people feel the need to have you dead is a really terrible idea. bonding with friends who are going to die again and again is a terrible idea. i kept questioning it all as if any of it was my choice.. then i ended up doing something that felt terrible. the same thing everyone else does, but its ok because you where commanded to do it, and it didn't feel ok. it could have children and parents and friends and lovers. i was incapable of devaluing my own actions based on the fact an authority told me to do so, because it always seemed like it was my choice to listen to it, which makes no sense in a draft-army, but i always felt like there where other options and its my fault for not finding them.
fortunately, i was lucky enough to be a smoker, and extroverted, and quite lazy. so i took a break when i was not supposed too. and in that smoke break i met a guy from the reserves who was recently added to our unit and didn't know him very well, and opened up to him... and he did the simplest thing: a phone call. it turned out that he was our new unit doctor, and out of war time, he was normally stationed in human resources medical profiling. in that phone call he changed my medical profile, and in a few days i was back in training, getting a swift course in information processing and being placed in the northern HQ offices. there the people at high rank became human beings, screw-up dysfunctional human beings, not inherently bad in anyway, just trying to do their job, and not always very good at not being bad. military structures are very much composed of protocols making sure that nothing gets done and yet everything has to get done, so you need to learn contextually when to stretch the rules just right.
after the army i had a few more conflicts with authority... in a factory i used bring ideas on how to improve the production line, and was very annoyed to find out that for my boss that wasn't good advice, it was a breach of his sense of authority to be "told what to do" by a lowly worker. in the US i ended up homeless for awhile because i had to be an asshole and confront my boss at the time regarding continues delays in the wages, which - when your working in another country - usually means not only your money but also your place of residence, and given that runing out of money was the source of my stress and conflict to began with, it didn't leave me with much, and ended up with a local aunt saving my ass, giving me a place to stay and a computer from which to arrange myself a flight home.
over time i think i learned the hard way that the attitude that was most successful with authority has not being submit or subvert, but befriend or dodge. to some extent one of the reasons i believe in a lot more discipline with my son then i got is because i feel i didn't get enough of it. the thing is my father was an INTJ, and as i suspect every child of an INTJ might know, your not just an offspring, your a fucking progidy in the art of life, and so its not about the rules, its about the expectations, their visions for you and what you can do, so you grow up runing after the carrots, but never having to dodge the stick. there are advantages in that, but in loosing the stick you loose the element of discipline which is most critical to self discipline, which is very important for success.
i was quite kin on making sure i provide both, and very fearful of going to the other extreme on what i lacked, finding the right balance. and i think i did well. there's a famous experiment where a child is left in a room with a marshmallow, and he can have two if he'll wait until the man comes back and wont touch the one on the plate. the longer the kids lasted, the more successful they where in life. my 5 years old passed the test with flying colors. i am not sure i would pass it today.
the other area of experience is in regards to power, or maybe leadership, which is also quite a difficult relationship for me. between high school and the army, after my father died, i combined two social groups and had a golden social age in my life, and overextended it a bit too much, i was over confident in my ideals to a point of preaching, and i fed off the people who listened, believing i am "opening their minds"... and in that social climate of my own teenage stupidity, someone who was very close to me got pushed over the edge. it took me a very long time after to deal with the guilt or to able to trust myself with influence over others again.
my second encounter with leadership was when i tried my hands at my own startup, here it was exactly the opposite. i was very stressed at my own financial investment and debt in it, and the stress became a self fulfilling prophecy as i failed to provide the inspiration for the others around me to keep on working and make our dream a reality. mind you, a big factor was that there was no immediate results, and none of us knew exactly how to get investors. this was before kick starter and such things existed.