I'm beginning to think that maybe I have this idealized vision of who I am vs the reality. In my fantasy world (9w1, anyone?), I am totally this creative, awesome, witty, emotionally vibrant, bad-ass 4w5/5w4. In my fantasy world, I am my favorite musicians, writers, directors, artists, book characters rolled into one great package. There they all are, in me, just waiting for the right moment to leap out into the world and act, really live their life.
The reality- I've never really felt like I've finished anything that matters to me- partly because what I want is always changing, partly because it feels like life gets in the way, partly because the things that matter to me seem... hard. And I like things to be easy and just happen. When things get hard it's like my body and brain just shut down and I can't do anything. I just feel tired, like chronic fatigue syndrome tired. There's this song with the line, "I fall easy when things get harder." It could pretty much be my life anthem.
I've been told that I'm hard to read, that I don't share.
I've been told that I talk too much, that I'm too expressive.
I've been told that I'm not a team player, that I'm too independent, that I just 'disappear'.
I had a therapist ask me why I lose myself. I don't know how to answer that question- what does that question mean?
I've been told I'm a total 4. I've been told that there is no way I'm a 4.
I've been told that I'm calm, unemotional. Conversely, melodramatic, mean.
A shapeshifter, a robot.
Virginal, the opposite.