Compliments NOT to give your Enneagram type

[Elfboy]

a few things that I would NOT want someone telling me as a 4 are:
"you're so simple and done to earth"
"you're just like your father"
"you're such a team player"

Given your Enneagram, motivations and fears, what are some compliments people have given you that made you want them to shut up?

 

[FDG]

"you're so responsible"
"you are really hardworking"
"you are very precise and punctual"

they all sound like "OMG YOU'RE SO BORING"

 

[Chloe]

to 3s
"it doesnt matter you are uglier/less smart/etc. than she/he is, you are still cool in my book!" -
we'll stick to the first part of that sentence and ignore the rest hahaha - sometimes

 

[animenagai]

a few things that I would NOT want someone telling me as a 4 are:
"you're so simple and done to earth"
"you're just like your father"
"you're such a team player"

Given your Enneagram, motivations and fears, what are some compliments people have given you that made you want them to shut up?

I dunno, I would feel that anyone who says no.1 doesn't understand me, but the other 2? Not a problem.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

Five Compliments not to Give a Type 4:

1. "You deserve to have 'x'."
Especially when the type 4 is coveting something that they don't have, and likely won't have. Saying that they deserve it will make them yearn even harder to achieve/obtain 'x'. Best to say that you understand how they feel about 'x' and show you sympathize with them, but don't kill or fuel their dreams. Better to suggest a creative outlet for them to achieve something that is related to 'x' and will be rewarding in the end.

2. "You may be emotional, but I admire your passion."
Don't ever tell a 4 that they are too emotional. It makes them feel that their emotionality is a defect, and they will get depressed afterwards.

3. "You look just like <insert celebrity name here>."
If it's a celebrity that they admire, then they will like it initially, but ultimately, it will end up becoming a compare-contrast moment between traits that the celebrity has that the type 4 has, and the traits the celebrity has, that the type 4 doesn't have... and they will end up focusing more on the traits they don't have. Just tell the type 4 they look handsome or beautiful.

4. "This piece of artwork is very good." or "This piece of artwork is not too bad."
The word "good", or "not too bad", denotes higher than mediocrity, B work, and type 4s will think that B work is commonplace.

5. "You're pleasantly unusual."
Type 4's don't need to be told they are unusual, they already feel that way. It's like casting them into the Island of Misfit Toys. Just say that you love how unique they are.

 

[jbking]

What you shouldn't tell a 1:

"You didn't screw up once!" - This is nearly passive-aggressive stuff where if someone does remember this line from "American Beauty" then there may be some salvaging of the remark but generally this could be seen as the quasi-insult to some degree.

"You are horrible!" - This can be intended as a compliment but rarely would it be successfully pulled off as one has to imagine situations where horrible would be a good thing which would be like being so good at being bad that people love to hate you.

There are other messages that are similar but there is usually a paradox to the remark as compliments are supposed to be a good thing usually, right?

 

[Sunny Ghost]

a few things that I would NOT want someone telling me as a 4 are:
"you're so simple and done to earth"
"you're just like your father"
"you're such a team player"

Given your Enneagram, motivations and fears, what are some compliments people have given you that made you want them to shut up?

I'm a 4, and the only one of these that really offends me is being considered simple by someone else. Though, sometimes I consider myself to be simple and complicated at the same time... for someone else to make this remark is a different story. It's like hearing you're boring. However, being down to earth isn't a bad compliment to me. I can think "elitist" at times, but I've strived towards honesty with myself and with how I interact in the world... so to me this is a good compliment... "being real."

I've also faced the fact that I'm very much a product of my parents. But I've come to terms with it.

And as of recently and the problems I've had at work, I've also come to value being more of a team player in the work atmosphere.

Five Compliments not to Give a Type 4:

1. "You deserve to have 'x'."
Especially when the type 4 is coveting something that they don't have, and likely won't have. Saying that they deserve it will make them yearn even harder to achieve/obtain 'x'. Best to say that you understand how they feel about 'x' and show you sympathize with them, but don't kill or fuel their dreams. Better to suggest a creative outlet for them to achieve something that is related to 'x' and will be rewarding in the end.

2. "You may be emotional, but I admire your passion."
Don't ever tell a 4 that they are too emotional. It makes them feel that their emotionality is a defect, and they will get depressed afterwards.

3. "You look just like <insert celebrity name here>."
If it's a celebrity that they admire, then they will like it initially, but ultimately, it will end up becoming a compare-contrast moment between traits that the celebrity has that the type 4 has, and the traits the celebrity has, that the type 4 doesn't have... and they will end up focusing more on the traits they don't have. Just tell the type 4 they look handsome or beautiful.

4. "This piece of artwork is very good." or "This piece of artwork is not too bad."
The word "good", or "not too bad", denotes higher than mediocrity, B work, and type 4s will think that B work is commonplace.

5. "You're pleasantly unusual."
Type 4's don't need to be told they are unusual, they already feel that way. It's like casting them into the Island of Misfit Toys. Just say that you love how unique they are.

Agreed with many of these.

 

[Such Irony]

Compliments not to give a type 5:

You're so emotionally sensitive and sentimental. (We tend to value detachment more and de-emphasize the sentimentality)

You're so smart! (We know we're smart. That compliment is just too generic and generalized)

You're a real team player! (It goes against our normal type 5 agenda. We can be excellent team players when the situation demands it but we normally prefer to be independent. We'd rather get compliments pertaining to the things we value in life)

 

[kyuuei]

8

"Don't worry, everyone has weaknesses." -- This just sounds like giving up, or saying that I'm incapable of doing something myself to standard.

I'm sure there are a slew of others I'll think of later, but this is the immediate one that comes to my head.

 

[Onceajoan]

"you're so responsible"
"you are really hardworking"
"you are very precise and punctual"

they all sound like "OMG YOU'RE SO BORING"

Ditto.

Also: You're so neat - you're so organized (AKA - You're so ordinary and boring!)


______________________________
INXJ 1w2 sx/sp

 

[Amethyst]

To a 7:

'You're so predictable/dependable!'
'You'll fit right in!' (I hate that one...)

 

[Spamtar]

...'You'll fit right in!' (I hate that one...)

That one gets on my nerves too! But I don't know why...

 

[OrangeAppled]

Five Compliments not to Give a Type 4:

1. "You deserve to have 'x'."
Especially when the type 4 is coveting something that they don't have, and likely won't have. Saying that they deserve it will make them yearn even harder to achieve/obtain 'x'. Best to say that you understand how they feel about 'x' and show you sympathize with them, but don't kill or fuel their dreams. Better to suggest a creative outlet for them to achieve something that is related to 'x' and will be rewarding in the end.

2. "You may be emotional, but I admire your passion."
Don't ever tell a 4 that they are too emotional. It makes them feel that their emotionality is a defect, and they will get depressed afterwards.

3. "You look just like <insert celebrity name here>."
If it's a celebrity that they admire, then they will like it initially, but ultimately, it will end up becoming a compare-contrast moment between traits that the celebrity has that the type 4 has, and the traits the celebrity has, that the type 4 doesn't have... and they will end up focusing more on the traits they don't have. Just tell the type 4 they look handsome or beautiful.

4. "This piece of artwork is very good." or "This piece of artwork is not too bad."
The word "good", or "not too bad", denotes higher than mediocrity, B work, and type 4s will think that B work is commonplace.

5. "You're pleasantly unusual."
Type 4's don't need to be told they are unusual, they already feel that way. It's like casting them into the Island of Misfit Toys. Just say that you love how unique they are.

1 & 3 are definite no-gos. The others I might like a lot, if worded as innocently as they seem here. Different wording could be very bad though. The artwork comment would sting with the "not too bad" phrasing, but I'd be quite thrilled with the "very good" comment. I hate the "down to earth" comment in the OP also, but I can't imagine anyone ever calling me that...

I don't know if this is true for 4s, maybe 5s also, but I HATE being called...

"Cute"

Don't ever call me that, unless it's just referring to my physical appearance (even then, it's not a favorite word). It seems like you're patting me on the head as if I am a little bunny that amuses you with my brainless fluff. It's so condescending.

 

[A window to the soul]

Type 9/8:

Is there anything you can't do?

 

[Spamtar]

I don't know if this is true for 4s, maybe 5s also, but I HATE being called...

"Cute".

OMG, how strange I was just thinking about how my ISFP girlfriend hates being called that and almost addeed it to my post but held off because I didn't think anybody would understand.

How coincidental, how ironic...how oddly cuuuute. ;-)

 

[sleuthiness]

Don't tap a 4w5 sp/sx's head with a closed fist to make a point, even if (hopefully) just in jest, unless you want tears.

Names, phrases or attitudes that might bug others can spark my interest in a project-oriented fashion, so once the game starts, I've already begun to toy with or ignore the speaker midsentence and/or vacate the premises once red flags shoot up.

 

[Spamtar]

It pisses me off when someone tries to impress me with random "name dropping" of people I don't know. Especially when I am told an opinion of some person I don't know and no time is taken to establish a foundation on this random names expertise...in other words filibustering with the irrelevant...particularly annoying when this drivel appears to be convincing others in the group of other listeners which I am in during this 'persuasive' argument.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

1 & 3 are definite no-gos. The others I might like a lot, if worded as innocently as they seem here. Different wording could be very bad though. The artwork comment would sting with the "not too bad" phrasing, but I'd be quite thrilled with the "very good" comment. I hate the "down to earth" comment in the OP also, but I can't imagine anyone ever calling me that...

I don't know if this is true for 4s, maybe 5s also, but I HATE being called...

"Cute"

Don't ever call me that, unless it's just referring to my physical appearance (even then, it's not a favorite word). It seems like you're patting me on the head as if I am a little bunny that amuses you with my brainless fluff. It's so condescending.

I don't mind having my actions being called cute, but if that's all they can come up with, it gets a bit old. I'm not a fan of superficial compliments like "You are awesome." In what ways am I awesome to you? Is the word "awesome" the only descriptor you can give for the quality you admire? Seems kind of thoughtless, unoriginal, and patronizing to me. I prefer it if the person says "I admire ____ about you." and acknowledges the special trait.

 

[Stansmith]

Haven't decided on a type, but ones that hurt:


"You're really nice/sensitive" - Makes me feel weak

"You're an alright/decent looking guy" - Great, now I can't be smug anymore.

"You really remind me of [insert random guy]" - Makes me feel somewhat, mundane and insignificant

 

[Glycerine]

I hate vague or ones meant to flatter you. They might feel good for a sec but the inevitable, "WTF, are you trying to pull?" question comes up.