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  1. #1
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Default What Each Type Looks for in a Relationship - & What Interferes

    Do these hold true for you? If so, how have you overcome these tendencies in your relationships (or how did they get in the way)?

    Type One
    What they look for
    Shared purpose and values, equality, fairness, integrity.
    What gets in the way
    Insisting on being right at the expense of their connection with the other. Manipulates by correcting others—and by playing on their sense of guilt and inadequacy.

    Type Two
    What they look for
    Emotional connection, intimacy, warmth, affection.
    What gets in the way
    Insisting on exclusivity and ever more closeness. Manipulates by finding out others' needs and desires and by creating secret dependencies.

    Type Three
    What they look for
    Social suitability, competence, admirability, attractiveness.
    What gets in the way
    Insisting on career and social status before the relationship. Manipulates by charming others and by adopting whatever image will work.

    Type Four
    What they look for
    Communication, listening, acceptance, emotional honesty.
    What gets in the way
    Insisting on having all of their emotional needs met immediately. Manipulates by being temperamental and making others walk on eggshells.

    Type Five
    What they look for
    Curiosity, intensity, involvement, non-intrusiveness.
    What gets in the way
    Insisting on personal space and non-interference. Manipulates by staying preoccupied with ideas and projects and by detaching emotionally from others.

    Type Six
    What they look for
    Commitment, dependability, shared values, solidity.
    What gets in the way
    Self-doubt and reactivity: vacillating between need for closeness and need for distance. Manipulates by complaining and by testing others' commitment to them.

    Type Seven
    What they look for
    Stimulation, adventure, excitement, variety.
    What gets in the way
    Insisting on postponing making commitments. Manipulates by staying upbeat and hyperactive and by insisting that others meet their demands for gratification.

    Type Eight
    What they look for
    Dependability, loyalty, strength, sexual compatibility.
    What gets in the way
    Insisting on maintaining control of others. Manipulates by dominating others and by demanding that others do as they say.

    Type Nine
    What they look for
    Comfort, peace, harmony, stability.
    What gets in the way
    Insisting on not acknowledging problems and remaining neutral in conflicts. Manipulates by "checking out" and by passive-aggressively resisting others.

    ------
    source
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  2. #2
    Senior Member niffer's Avatar
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    Default

    It seems like you have made "what they look for" be characteristics of the type itself, which I don't think is the case in relationships.
    sparkly sparkly rainbow excretions

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatGirl View Post
    holy shit am I a feeler?
    if you like my avatar, it's because i took it myself! : D

  3. #3
    Senior Member Rhapsody's Avatar
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    Default

    This is really interesting, and seems fairly accurate for me. I'm not too sure about my E-type, but in the trifix I think I am something like 3w4-9w1-5w4. And if I combined your descriptions for 3, 5, and 9, that would pretty much nail what I look for in relationships (and also what my issues are). Also, some of my closest relationships have been with 2s, and my experience with them rings pretty true to how you describe them in relationships.

    Edit: Although I should add that I relate to your description of what Type 5s look for more than the 3 and 9 descriptions, even though I'm fairly certain 5 is not my core E-type. The desires/issues you ascribe to 5s seem like things many INxxs in general would want/have issues with.

    Edit 2: Never mind, LOL, I think I do relate to the 3 description more after all. (Sorry for all the edits, in my attempts to procrastinate on work I'm sitting here pondering this post ...)
    Last edited by Rhapsody; 10-23-2010 at 12:31 PM. Reason: Just thinking outloud ...

  4. #4
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    This is very good. For me at least. I came in to this thread ready to say, "I really just want a best friend that I also get to have sex with," realized it was an enneagram thread...and then realized I basically gave the 5 answer

    I agree with the method of interference too. Once I start to become "unhappy" in a relationship, I start to just check out and busying myself with my own things. For 5s, the "selective withholding" is our method of manipulation.



  5. #5
    Senior Member Rhapsody's Avatar
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    To expand on my mishmash of thoughts up there, I'd say what I ultimately want (or what I ultimately want to want) is what 5s probably want in relationships: someone who's intellectually compatible with me, a kind of mind-mate, who also gives me plenty of space to work on my projects, and who appreciates being given space in return.

    BUT, whenever I actually find someone like that, my true 3 nature often rears its ugly head and starts going: but they're not attractive enough, not ambitious enough, or if they're ambitious, they're not ambitious in the right way (I tend to like people who want to save the world, which I guess comes from the confluence of 3 and INFP), would my friends be impressed, etc. etc. arghhhhh. And that just kills the attraction. (And yes, that's pretty shallow and is something I really want to change about myself).

  6. #6
    violaine
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    Hmm, interesting. I'm a 4w5, heavy 5 wing and it seems my relationship wants are mostly of a 5 nature with a little 4 thrown in. What gets in the way are things of a 5 nature. I react quite strongly if I'm ever on the receiving end of what gets in the way for 4s by really withdrawing from a person.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Type Six
    What they look for
    Commitment, dependability, shared values, solidity.
    What gets in the way
    Self-doubt and reactivity: vacillating between need for closeness and need for distance. Manipulates by complaining and by testing others' commitment to them.


    That all rings true for me .. Overcoming it? It all about balance, i need space and i love company. I don't manipulate, i'll speak up but in the past commitment has been an issue so i know i'm not going insane, lol.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  8. #8
    jump sleuthiness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Do these hold true for you? If so, how have you overcome these tendencies in your relationships (or how did they get in the way)?

    Type Five
    What they look for
    Curiosity, intensity, involvement, non-intrusiveness.
    What gets in the way
    Insisting on personal space and non-interference. Manipulates by staying preoccupied with ideas and projects and by detaching emotionally from others.
    Add "openness to experience", so long as there isn't any pressure to emotionally anchor oneself. She's also gotta be able to not only acknowledge the value of actively taking ridiculous, potentially "incorrect" sides of any given issue if only for the fun of it, but take hits then dish them back with an equal charge to the point where they aren't hits.

    With another e5, it's convenient because each provides the other with enough breathing space to return to the source, rather than relying on learned behavior, which doesn't serve any purpose for either side. It's like being almost entirely in the dark but just visible enough to keep the other interested.

    e4s tend to ask "could you say that again?"s more often than "tell me more", or respond to an observation/idea with a dead end personal anecdotal. Or pretend to be infallible, which has been taxing in the past.

    thinking of you

  9. #9
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    I agree with the Five. Hands down, my need for personal space and emotional detaching has always been my biggest obstacle in relationships. I don’t understand the tendency a lot of people seem to have to be interested in something just because their partner is, and I actually kind of resent the pressure to “show interest” in what they love if it doesn’t speak to me personally. I don’t expect a partner to be drawn to the same interests I’m drawn towards, I’m just glad when interests collide.

    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    For 5s, the "selective withholding" is our method of manipulation.
    And I don’t always know I’m doing it, either. I’ve got to have it pointed out to me or I’m oblivious. It’s just an instinctive reaction to feeling either somehow disrespected or bored. (And a lot of times I won't even realize I'm feeling disrespected or bored, that needs to be pointed out to me as well.)
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

  10. #10
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by violaine View Post
    Hmm, interesting. I'm a 4w5, heavy 5 wing and it seems my relationship wants are mostly of a 5 nature with a little 4 thrown in. What gets in the way are things of a 5 nature. I react quite strongly if I'm ever on the receiving end of what gets in the way for 4s by really withdrawing from a person.
    I relate more to the 5 in some ways too, but the 4 withdrawing seems to be the cincher. People open up to me emotionally, and that seems enough at first. I don't think I insist on my emotional needs being met so much as become "difficult" as a way to test someone. I'm not dramatic at all, but I'll get a little ornery. Part of this relates to my 5 wing & the need for some intellectual stimulation; I'll force it if it's not happening, and then it seems like I'm being contradictory for the sake of it. If the other person can't meet me, then I'm bored.

    I also need massive amounts of space & alone time. I find myself avoiding phone calls & being busy with "projects", definitely. I think the 4 nail in the coffin is when I get testy though; it's to force the hand of the other person, but almost to meet the 5 needs, not the 4 needs. Whereas if the 5 needs are met, then the 4 needs get in the way.

    Have you ever gotten past this with someone?

    Quote Originally Posted by candylandjoe View Post
    Add "openness to experience", so long as there isn't any pressure to emotionally anchor oneself. She's also gotta be able to not only acknowledge the value of actively taking ridiculous, potentially "incorrect" sides of any given issue if only for the fun of it, but take hits then dish them back with an equal charge to the point where they aren't hits.
    I'm not sure if this is what you mean....but I think my 5 wing makes me want to be able to play devil's advocate sometimes, which is really just a way to explore ideas, but some take it as arguing or being difficult. It has been a turn-off in the past when someone takes it too seriously (as in, a real argument) or just brushes it off to placate me. I also really hate when a rebuttal amounts to a cliche. The obvious is obvious.

    Do you have an INFP sensitive side that ever comes into play? Can people cross a line with you in these conversations?

    With another e5, it's convenient because each provides the other with enough breathing space to return to the source, rather than relying on learned behavior, which doesn't serve any purpose for either side. It's like being almost entirely in the dark but just visible enough to keep the other interested.

    e4s tend to ask "could you say that again?"s more often than "tell me more", or respond to an observation/idea with a dead end personal anecdotal. Or pretend to be infallible, which has been taxing in the past.
    I've probably had this issue with INTP 5s (anecdote? ). I think it's the emotional sensitivity of being a 4. All of a sudden, my identity feels threatened, and my wittle INFP feelings get hurt. There is a tendency to take things personal because I see my ideas/feelings as ME. We're both into a somewhat intense discussion, & then they cross a value boundary, and my wall goes up. I would also ask for clarification of their ideas, but they would not ask me, and I felt they assumed something that was not part of my case at all. Their supposed detachment was condescending, & they definitely would seem belligerent. The fun stops there.

    On the other hand, I felt closer to these people than ones who just placate me and pat me on my head and say, "That's cute". Disdain will grow for those people, who I'll start to see as shallow.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

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