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sx - intensity only from specific people?

Hopelandic

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Dec 13, 2009
Messages
232
MBTI Type
me
I am most likely have sp/sx tendencies.

My question to first or second, sx's is do you like to be in control of the intensity thrust your way, or who you find intensity within?

I actually feel ashamed at how many opportunities I have to "become closer" to people, but I only pursue it when I really really really like them. If I don't, I kind of ignore their attention (in the unconscious attempt to dampen the unwanted attention). This might be partly a four issue, but I only desire to become close to people I really like. I don't like to admit I have high standards, but I do. And I only open myself to a person who I really trust first of all, and really truly like and respect as a person. A number of other things like energy and intensity come into play (obviously a sx thing).
But ultimately I will not pursue for the sake of intensity, I will not reciprocate or even really get involved (I will remain distant) if I don't like the source of intensity. I will subtly shut them down or remain kind of detached (I feel horrible that I am like this even with friends). The source of intensity is always key. And I have to control the flow of intensity. I don't like it being directed at me when I can't channel it back because I don't like them.

If I like a person in this way, it will be me who makes the first moves, and me who does the "pursuing". If I don't pursue, generally I don't like them enough to want to open up. Even though it would be my dream to be kind of out of control and to be pursued (I would still give subtle encouragments, "come hithers" and greenlights). But I tend to not work like that, because the people I like are generally the ones who need a little pushing (I also need pushing, but my desire to get to know them breaks through that).

I've only gone through this experience of liking a person enough to pursue them once (there was another person, but I withdrew too early).

I will be friendly and cordial to just about everyone. But when I come across someone I actually like, I take down my boundaries between them and me. I never realised the boundaries were up, but now I see that they are there. And someones gotta be pretty damn special for me to meet them half way.

I'm on my way to working through this tendency, just wanted to see if anyone could relate. I can see that it's fairly sp/sx (and a touch of avoidant personality).

Additionally, I can only give this depth of openness to (from my experience) one person at a time.
 

sui generis

don't fence me in
Joined
Jan 3, 2008
Messages
745
MBTI Type
esTJ
Enneagram
875
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
sx/so here and I very much like to be in control of the amount/sources of intensity in my life. What you've said here resonates with me. :yes:
 

mmhmm

meinmeinmein!
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
2,280
sx/so - i like being in control. this extends to most aspects of my life.
the sort of vices i indulge in. the way i work. the way i live.
i'm very, very selective who i become close to.
most of the time people feel they are close to me,
even though i don't feel close to them at all.

younger i used to seek for intensity. i'd actively go and find it.
because it's fun for me. now i don't seek for it, but it still finds me.

like you, if it's not the sort of intensity i like,
i just shut it down. completely. and it remains shut.
i don't get pansy and back down when i already made my
decision. this is probably the only time where i don't
change my mind.

closed is closed. what's next?
 

hilo

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Joined
Mar 8, 2010
Messages
186
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
9 sx
hmm, I suppose I do, but I hadn't recognized it before.
If I find someone "icky" I don't want to be in close mental contact, although I will occasionally go there for amusements sake.

There have been a few times where I found someone to be really interesting that I wanted to get to know, and found no way in. I'm not one to force things but I always felt a little regret that I couldn't find a way to access some people. Shrug.
 

Such Irony

Honor Thy Inferior
Joined
Jul 23, 2010
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5,059
MBTI Type
INtp
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5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I completely relate to everything the OP said and I'm sx last...
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
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18,235
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ENFP
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784
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sx/sp
I'm having a hard time imagining someone not being that way.
 

Hopelandic

Permabanned
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Dec 13, 2009
Messages
232
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me
I'm having a hard time imagining someone not being that way.

So you think most people shut out the majority of people they come across (even shutting out friends) and preferring to only give and receive intensity to and from people who meet their high standards?

I thought I was just a picky bitch, but i guess if it's commonly experienced... it's not so bad? :shrug:

edit: my high standards include male friends I like enough -to date- and female friends who I could see myself being friends with for a long time :doh: :steam:
 

ChocolateMoose123

New member
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Oct 4, 2008
Messages
5,278
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I am most likely have sp/sx tendencies.

My question to first or second, sx's is do you like to be in control of the intensity thrust your way, or who you find intensity within?

I actually feel ashamed at how many opportunities I have to "become closer" to people, but I only pursue it when I really really really like them. If I don't, I kind of ignore their attention (in the unconscious attempt to dampen the unwanted attention). This might be partly a four issue, but I only desire to become close to people I really like. I don't like to admit I have high standards, but I do. And I only open myself to a person who I really trust first of all, and really truly like and respect as a person. A number of other things like energy and intensity come into play (obviously a sx thing).
But ultimately I will not pursue for the sake of intensity, I will not reciprocate or even really get involved (I will remain distant) if I don't like the source of intensity. I will subtly shut them down or remain kind of detached (I feel horrible that I am like this even with friends). The source of intensity is always key. And I have to control the flow of intensity. I don't like it being directed at me when I can't channel it back because I don't like them.

If I like a person in this way, it will be me who makes the first moves, and me who does the "pursuing". If I don't pursue, generally I don't like them enough to want to open up. Even though it would be my dream to be kind of out of control and to be pursued (I would still give subtle encouragments, "come hithers" and greenlights). But I tend to not work like that, because the people I like are generally the ones who need a little pushing (I also need pushing, but my desire to get to know them breaks through that).

I've only gone through this experience of liking a person enough to pursue them once (there was another person, but I withdrew too early).

I will be friendly and cordial to just about everyone. But when I come across someone I actually like, I take down my boundaries between them and me. I never realised the boundaries were up, but now I see that they are there. And someones gotta be pretty damn special for me to meet them half way.

I'm on my way to working through this tendency, just wanted to see if anyone could relate. I can see that it's fairly sp/sx (and a touch of avoidant personality).

Additionally, I can only give this depth of openness to (from my experience) one person at a time.

I'm sx/sp and I relate to all of this although I don't think I could have put it into words. Good job.
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
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Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
So you think most people shut out the majority of people they come across (even shutting out friends) and preferring to only give and receive intensity to and from people who meet their high standards?

I thought I was just a picky bitch, but i guess if it's commonly experienced... it's not so bad? :shrug:

edit: my high standards include male friends I like enough -to date- and female friends who I could see myself being friends with for a long time :doh: :steam:

um..perhaps i'm simplifying it but i read it as i'm only interested in becoming close with people that i really like.

and...i just can't imagine anyone investing themselves fully in their casual encounters...i don't know anyone who does that.
 

Thalassa

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May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
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ISFP
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6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
I'm sx/sp and I agree with almost all of it...I wouldn't go as far as to say that if I'm not the pursurer I don't like them enough to open up. Some people can pursue me and get through to me. It depends on the person though, and usually they have to impress me with how smart/funny/interesting/creative/witty or sexy they are. Sometimes people who argue with me get through to me, even. Depends.
 

Echoes

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May 12, 2010
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sp/sx here, and only a few people can get within my mental space, but once you're in, God are you in :)
 

IheartFootball10

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sx/so - my standards are extremely high and i will just flat out ignore anyone that i dont want to deal with. rude as it may be i just dont feel like wasting time on someone i know i dont want to be around. although there are the rare times i will just to amuse myself lol and while i do know a lot of people, i never ignore my core group of friends becasue ive chosen to have them in my life. so yeh, i like to be in control of that. but i think everyone does to some degree.
 

Hopelandic

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sp/sx here, and only a few people can get within my mental space, but once you're in, God are you in :)

You don't need to say anymore than that. I know exactly what you mean :yes:

sx/so - my standards are extremely high and i will just flat out ignore anyone that i dont want to deal with. rude as it may be i just dont feel like wasting time on someone i know i dont want to be around. although there are the rare times i will just to amuse myself lol and while i do know a lot of people, i never ignore my core group of friends becasue ive chosen to have them in my life. so yeh, i like to be in control of that. but i think everyone does to some degree.

Yeah I agree everyone's like this to a degree. But honestly, I flat out ignore (though i'm still aware and thinking about them) almost every person, apart from someone i'm willing to be intimate with. I think I know what you mean by amusing yourself... I think :p

I never used to be this bad, but now that i've become more comfortable being myself and being on my own, i'll only consider one person as a possible intimate (and let's be honest, romantic/sexual interest) at a time. It means that -everyone- (though if I had children, I wouldn't ignore them) else gets put on the back burner. I'm glad you keep your friends in mind, I regret not putting more effort into friendships. This trend of my own lack of attention to friendships is more a four issue, of wanting what you can't have, and taking for granted what you do have. I find it hard to consider people as friends, and there tends to be a great disconnect between the amount of time I wish to spend with each of them as individuals. Because of the lack of attention to some of them, a lot of my friends end up wittling down to only the ones I really like. I tend to have max 2-3 friends at a time for this reason.

I get really overwhelmed when random people show interest in me. They want to get to know me more, and i'm like no no nooo. 'I'm talking to somebody else at the moment' lol. It sounds so weird to explain.
It's like I feel like I'm cheating on the person I like on an intimate level, even if we're just talking and not involved, when I "get to know" somebody else. Even if I sort of like them, I shut them down, because my interest lies elsewhere.
 

Saslou

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ESFJ
sx's is do you like to be in control of the intensity thrust your way, or who you find intensity within?

Yes, very much so.

Perfect example is if i am interested in you .. You'll know about it. However if you are interested in me and i'm not, then don't waste your time but we could possibly be friends.

My best friend, we haven't seen each other since May, i think. I don't need people to be in my life 24/7. I'm happier catching up every so often then drifting away again. I don't like being in situations where i have to behave a particular way and that goes with friends/family/lovers also.

Down side is then that i am not consistent but i'm a free spirit .. Like it or lump it.
 

Hopelandic

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sx's is do you like to be in control of the intensity thrust your way, or who you find intensity within?

Yes, very much so.

Perfect example is if i am interested in you .. You'll know about it. However if you are interested in me and i'm not, then don't waste your time but we could possibly be friends.

My best friend, we haven't seen each other since May, i think. I don't need people to be in my life 24/7. I'm happier catching up every so often then drifting away again. I don't like being in situations where i have to behave a particular way and that goes with friends/family/lovers also.

Down side is then that i am not consistent but i'm a free spirit .. Like it or lump it.

Exactly. I'm a female and I've pursued with every guy i've ever been interested in (about 2 haha). Every other guy i've been approached by, i've kind of ignored and not given a chance :\ I really can't flirt or put effort into someone I don't like. They end up hating me for it, but eh. I don't have to stroke their egos because they think they deserve it by coming onto me. Blah.

I'm exactly the same with my best friend too. Haven't seen her in a while, but usually when we come together again, it's exactly the same as we left off. That's the thing about being genuinely 'insync' with someone. You can still relate to them even when you both change and don't see each other for a while.
 
Last edited:

TacEight

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Sep 28, 2010
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96
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INTP
To me, the most frustrating part of being an sx/sp is that if I am interested in someone, yet they are not interested back, I exercise ridiculous amounts of self control just to avoid thinking about them, not to mention day dreaming/fantasizing about merely talking with them.

When I do share a strong connection with someone, and I go through anywhere from a few months to a few years and finally "know them," I get... bored to some extent. Thus I've created a rather high standard for myself, one which others may not feel comfortable with: they must strive to grow.

I had two "close" friends in highschool, who I eventually abandoned as they were not interested in growth. Through my early twenties I maintained minor friendships but nobody "close" aside my my significant others. Thinking about it now, for the first time, I suppose I've not truly had a close friend (longer than the usual sx/sp 1-2 weeks), in about nine years.
 

IheartFootball10

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Sep 21, 2010
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8w7
i used to be bad at ignoring my friends and just going off an doing my own thing all the time. i would see my friends like once every 6 mths and just pick up where we left off. but i ended up hurting a quite a few people doing that, and that wasnt cool on my part. however, i think they just didnt understand that i dont need friends around me all the damn time. but ive gotten much better with staying in touch and working on the friendships. even though sometimes...i just dont feel like it lol but ive learned to not ignore the ones that really care about you.
 
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