The Parent, The Child, And Enneagram

[highlander]

Does parent/child interaction combined with inborn tendencies result in a particular enneagram? See following link.

Personality Types - Enneagram and Myers Briggs

 

[InTheFlesh]

I've thought a lot about this, and it makes sense.
It seems to me that the parent's approach to life and parenthood have a huge effect on the child's type, I've even seen it in my own family.

For example; my aunt is an Enneagram type 8. She tends to be stuck in her ways as well as a very demanding parent, if either of her two daughters do something she sees as wrong, no matter what it is, she will immediately become very harsh in demeanor and withdraw any type of affection she had given to her daughters, until either of them fix it or go through some type of retribution.
I see two logical paths for the children to take out of this situation, to either be a 3 or an 8 and it just so happens that these are the types of her daughters.

The three is so scared of having the affection or love withdrawn that she just lives by her mother's code, only doing what she would think as right so she could stay on her "Good side". She is so completely scared of losing her mother's love that she has somewhat lost her own personality in trying to become what her mother wants.

Her other daughter, an Ennergram eight, saw her mother rule with the iron fist, she saw it gained her respect from others be it because of intimidation or otherwise, and then made a subconscious decision to act that way so she could have that same group-wide respect that her mother had.

If that seemed really jumbled, sorry, it's getting late.
I'll elaborate on these cycles more when my head's in a better place.

 

[Kasper]

Fraheeky.

I looked at me and my mum first and placed myself as an Active child with a Responsive parent, that combination = E7. True for me.

I don't see how this could work with my siblings though. I know my mother likely changed her parenting style with more children in the house but I would still see her as primarily responsive with all of us meaning my siblings would be type 7 if they were active, type 6 if they were responsive and type 5 if they were neutral. My 'active' brother is the poster child for E8, my 'responsive' sister is an... actually I haven't figured that out yet and my other sister is an E4.

 

[Moiety]

Very interesting and probably very accurate in my case. My ENFJ mom is active for sure.

Active child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 8.

The child and parent experience open conflicts on a regular basis. They both have different agendas and oppose each other, thus giving rise to power struggles and explosive arguments. The Active parent is impatient and intolerant of the child's rebellious nature and tries to impose his will in an authoritarian fashion. The Active child, on the other hand, becomes aggressive, argumentative and persistent in getting his own way. The relationship becomes a sort of battlefield, which is how the child will later perceive the world around him (type 8).

Such a childhood scenario encourages the child to develop a keen eye for spotting other people's weaknesses and a thirst for imposing their will in an overly aggressive fashion. They learn to be assertive, strong and deny their fears and feelings of intimidation. These are the traits they needed to have in order to stand up to their domineering parents and still keep their own Active inborn approach.

I can see how I could have turned out a full-blown 7 if my mom was more responsive, but if one can be 100% active, that's her. Well...and me

So according to this, my kids will either be 8s, 9s or 1s.....poor hypothetical kids

 

[Kasper]

So according to this, my kids will either be 8s, 9s or 1s.....poor hypothetical kids

Not necessarily, depends on your parenting style, at the beginning of the blog it says any enneagram can be active/responsive/neutral as a parent.

 

[Moiety]

Not necessarily, depends on your parenting style, at the beginning of the blog it says any enneagram can be active/responsive/neutral as a parent.

Well how can an 8 be anything BUT active?!

Shit, there was a time where I thought I could be a good dad...nowadays I kinda don't want to have kids. Can't imagine not wanting the best for them and having a very well defined idea of what that is. If I kept it in check though (bossiness wouldn't be my style anyway) the only other alternative would be neutrality because I wouldn't be able to support decisions I didn't agree with (since I'm so opinionated). Neutrality just sounds wrong though.

 

[Lady_X]

whoa....yeah definitely.

Active child vs. Responsive parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 7

The demands and concerns of the Active child are usually received with benevolence and a supportive, encouraging attitude. This creates a tolerant environment in which the child can express himself openly and receive attention without much effort from his part. The Active child becomes self-confident, carefree and expects his interactions to be positive and favorable to his needs. The Responsive parent is sympathetic and loving, thus stimulating the child's playful, self-expressive side and giving him a good deal of personal freedom.

This childhood scenario promotes a cheerful, optimistic type who knows how to charm and manipulate others into easily getting his way. Entertaining and expressive, such a child may later expect instant gratification for all his needs and desires and avoid investing time and effort into long-term goals.

ohhh...and i could see how this influenced the wing too...interesting.

Responsive child vs. Responsive parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 6

This child will usually establish a very close relationship with his caretaker and will tend to become dependent on the nurturing, affectionate figure that offers him support and understanding. A strong desire for harmonious relationships is created and the Responsive child will reject and feel threatened by conflicts and lack of stability. Such types will seek playmates and groups that share their values and interests and will take an 'us against the world' stance, typically towards unfamiliar people and circumstances.

These Responsive children will prefer to play by the rules in order to keep themselves safe from any disharmony that will endanger their comforting, supportive relationships. They will be playful, endearing and loyal to their chosen groups and intimates, while at the same time remaining alert and vigilant to avoid any conflicts and hidden threats. Suspicion of other people's motives can arise as a protection from abandonment and rejection - they are in fact very afraid of losing their safe, nurturing grounds.

 

[highlander]

It's certainly true for me - that is, if I pick my mom. Active + Active = 8.

My dad would have either been responsive or neutral so I don't know how he fits in. He worked a lot and was on the night shift for years so we didn't see him so much.

Active: demanding, assertive, bossy, outspoken, intimidating, egocentric, expressive, willful.

Responsive: supportive, responsive, engaging, affectionate, friendly, sympathetic, cooperative.

Neutral: avoidant, withdrawn, indifferent, apathetic, absent, reserved, ignoring, neglectful.

Active child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 8.

The child and parent experience open conflicts on a regular basis. They both have different agendas and oppose each other, thus giving rise to power struggles and explosive arguments. The Active parent is impatient and intolerant of the child's rebellious nature and tries to impose his will in an authoritarian fashion. The Active child, on the other hand, becomes aggressive, argumentative and persistent in getting his own way. The relationship becomes a sort of battlefield, which is how the child will later perceive the world around him (type 8).

Such a childhood scenario encourages the child to develop a keen eye for spotting other people's weaknesses and a thirst for imposing their will in an overly aggressive fashion. They learn to be assertive, strong and deny their fears and feelings of intimidation. These are the traits they needed to have in order to stand up to their domineering parents and still keep their own Active inborn approach.

 

[JocktheMotie]

True for me.

Neutral child vs. Responsive parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 5

In this relationship, the Responsive parent is inclined to give a lot of unrequested attention to the Neutral child, who perceives his parent's supportive and affectionate attitude as a form of smothering. The youngster will tend to withdraw from his environment, preferring solitary activities and contemplation, but as opposed to the previous scenario (of type 9), loneliness will not be accompanied by a feeling of rejection. At the contrary, being alone is a matter of choice and it gives a feeling of security and well-being, knowing that there is always someone to communicate with when they decide to seek out company.

Such children are genuine loners, who prefer and enjoy their solitude. They are introspective, insightful and love learning and discovering things on their own, usually rejecting any help or intervention from the outside. They are afraid of being intruded upon because their parents used to make a fuss over them and suffocate them with attention and demands for closeness.

 

[Such Irony]

I am a neutral child with a responsive mom (type 6w7) and a neutral dad (9w8). My mom tended to be the dominant parent, so maybe that's why I became a type 5 rather than a type 3.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

Active child vs. Neutral parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 4

In this relationship, the child usually tries to grab the attention of an indifferent or absent parent, by expressing himself with increasing intensity, until a response is achieved. The Active child may act in a dramatic, exaggerated manner, attempting to get his message across to the unconcerned caretaker. The Neutral caretaker will typically ignore the child's emotional needs, making the youngster feel frustrated, misunderstood and possibly abandoned. Sometimes the child turns these negative feelings inwardly, believing that they are unlovable and not special enough to deserve attention.

This scenario teaches the Active children that they are different than other children that seem to be getting the support they lack. They want to make themselves heard so they amplify their feelings, resorting to dramatic expressions of their emotions. These children may later become overly sensitive, artistic and theatrical, but also melancholic, self-loathing and depressive.

In hindsight, this is fairly accurate when it came to playing imaginative games. But I experienced this teaching that I am "different from other children" more on the school front. It was a result of interacting with my peers... bullying, teasing, you name it.

Responsive child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 1

This interaction is generally centered around the parent's agenda, to which the child will subscribe in order to receive the desired approval. The Active parent will be demanding, dominating and will criticize any perceived "bad" behavior. The Responsive child, on the other hand, is unusually sensitive to criticism so he will try to adjust and adhere to the parent's values and perspectives, by being obedient, well-behaved and an altogether "good kid". This attitude will help him build the desired rapport with the fastidious main caretaker.

With time, the child will learn to put aside his real needs and wishes in order to do the right thing, to be correct and morally ethical. These types will prefer to have a clear set of standards and rules to adhere to and will only feel worthy and lovable when they live a righteous life, in accordance with their upstanding principles. Their parents taught them that acceptance comes only through obedience and discipline.

Sounds familiar here.

Responsive child vs. Responsive parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 6

This child will usually establish a very close relationship with his caretaker and will tend to become dependent on the nurturing, affectionate figure that offers him support and understanding. A strong desire for harmonious relationships is created and the Responsive child will reject and feel threatened by conflicts and lack of stability. Such types will seek playmates and groups that share their values and interests and will take an 'us against the world' stance, typically towards unfamiliar people and circumstances.

These Responsive children will prefer to play by the rules in order to keep themselves safe from any disharmony that will endanger their comforting, supportive relationships. They will be playful, endearing and loyal to their chosen groups and intimates, while at the same time remaining alert and vigilant to avoid any conflicts and hidden threats. Suspicion of other people's motives can arise as a protection from abandonment and rejection - they are in fact very afraid of losing their safe, nurturing grounds.

I'd say this applies too.

 

[VagrantFarce]

Good god, what a find!

Neutral child vs. Responsive parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 5

In this relationship, the Responsive parent is inclined to give a lot of unrequested attention to the Neutral child, who perceives his parent's supportive and affectionate attitude as a form of smothering. The youngster will tend to withdraw from his environment, preferring solitary activities and contemplation, but as opposed to the previous scenario (of type 9), loneliness will not be accompanied by a feeling of rejection. At the contrary, being alone is a matter of choice and it gives a feeling of security and well-being, knowing that there is always someone to communicate with when they decide to seek out company.

Such children are genuine loners, who prefer and enjoy their solitude. They are introspective, insightful and love learning and discovering things on their own, usually rejecting any help or intervention from the outside. They are afraid of being intruded upon because their parents used to make a fuss over them and suffocate them with attention and demands for closeness.

Nail? Meet head.

 

[Rail Tracer]

Neutral child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 9

The Neutral child is often overwhelmed and frightened by the controlling, domineering Active parent. Lacking self-assertion skills, he prefers to withdraw and stay out of the way, minimizing his own needs and avoiding the parent as much as possible. On the few occasions the child reaches out to the caretaker, he ends up feeling rejected and bullied around for no apparent reason, which causes him to withdraw again. The loneliness, however, also feels like rejection and soon enough the youngster will be ambivalent towards both being alone and being with others.

Most of the time, a compromise will be made. This type will seek out company but will not invest themselves in it, preferring to keep in the background and go with the flow, partly removed from their actual situation. When alone, they will avoid introspection, which will bring about old feelings of depression and rejection, instead they'd rather numb themselves out with food, TV or other unimportant routines to avoid emotional pain.

Responsive child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 1

This interaction is generally centered around the parent's agenda, to which the child will subscribe in order to receive the desired approval. The Active parent will be demanding, dominating and will criticize any perceived "bad" behavior. The Responsive child, on the other hand, is unusually sensitive to criticism so he will try to adjust and adhere to the parent's values and perspectives, by being obedient, well-behaved and an altogether "good kid". This attitude will help him build the desired rapport with the fastidious main caretaker.

With time, the child will learn to put aside his real needs and wishes in order to do the right thing, to be correct and morally ethical. These types will prefer to have a clear set of standards and rules to adhere to and will only feel worthy and lovable when they live a righteous life, in accordance with their upstanding principles. Their parents taught them that acceptance comes only through obedience and discipline.

This is fascinating. The dominant parent of mine did tended to be active. I can definitely see both 9 and 1 tendencies in me. I hardly think I, if ever, want to be a neutral parent when that time comes.

As for my siblings, my dominant parent was often either active or responsive depending on the child. At least, that is what I think.

 

[wolfy]

The nine description doesn't even come close to describing my childhood, or me for that matter.

 

[Rail Tracer]

The nine description doesn't even come close to describing my childhood, or me for that matter.

Through these descriptions, I would be more like a type one as a child.

Though I did have my fun as a child. (connection with a 7?) All I know is that, I was playful as a child.

 

[rowingineden]

I grew up with the Neutral tendencies, and my parental figures (a biological father, stepfather, and mother) were Active, Active, and Responsive respectively. My enneagram type is 9. So I guess that works. I was actually most like the description of 5s as a child, though.

 

[KLessard]

Thank you for this thread and the link! I recognize a lot of real-life situations, including my own, responsive child + active parent = E1. True for my relationship with my mother (Type 8 ESTJ).

And since my father was the neutral type and had less influence around the house, that led me to my Two wing.

Strong influence from Active parent + Weak influence from Neutral parent towards Responsive child = E 1w2.

Accurate!

 

[Little_Sticks]

Neutral child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 9

The Neutral child is often overwhelmed and frightened by the controlling, domineering Active parent. Lacking self-assertion skills, he prefers to withdraw and stay out of the way, minimizing his own needs and avoiding the parent as much as possible. On the few occasions the child reaches out to the caretaker, he ends up feeling rejected and bullied around for no apparent reason, which causes him to withdraw again. The loneliness, however, also feels like rejection and soon enough the youngster will be ambivalent towards both being alone and being with others.

Most of the time, a compromise will be made. This type will seek out company but will not invest themselves in it, preferring to keep in the background and go with the flow, partly removed from their actual situation. When alone, they will avoid introspection, which will bring about old feelings of depression and rejection, instead they'd rather numb themselves out with food, TV or other unimportant routines to avoid emotional pain.

Woah...this actually makes a lot of sense. I went from 5 to 9 and I was pretty certain I fit enneagram nine well, now I know for sure. Ummm...so thanks...right?

 

[KLessard]

So according to this, my kids will either be 8s, 9s or 1s.....poor hypothetical kids

I think your partner will have an influence too, not just you.
Particular events may determine a lot, affection from the mother, conflicts, challenges in relationships, etc. So they might be something else.

 

[EJCC]

This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 1

This interaction is generally centered around the parent's agenda, to which the child will subscribe in order to receive the desired approval. The Active parent will be demanding, dominating and will criticize any perceived "bad" behavior. The Responsive child, on the other hand, is unusually sensitive to criticism so he will try to adjust and adhere to the parent's values and perspectives, by being obedient, well-behaved and an altogether "good kid". This attitude will help him build the desired rapport with the fastidious main caretaker.

With time, the child will learn to put aside his real needs and wishes in order to do the right thing, to be correct and morally ethical. These types will prefer to have a clear set of standards and rules to adhere to and will only feel worthy and lovable when they live a righteous life, in accordance with their upstanding principles. Their parents taught them that acceptance comes only through obedience and discipline.

This mostly fits, but not the bolded part even remotely. I would never describe my parents as "demanding" or "dominating" - I mean, come on, they're INTP and INFJ! I'm bossier than both of them put together! It just doesn't really work.

What happened was this: my parents considered me to be an unusually intelligent and capable kid, so they encouraged me to achieve and they gave me more responsibility than other kids might have. Because I aimed to please, I took on that responsibility right away, and have kept it ever since. There was no dominating involved.

So... I guess this is just me being picky about phrasing? I'm curious as to what the other type Ones think...