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  1. #11
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    I didn't read Jennifer's long post yet, simply because I wanted to reply to the OP while my thoughts were fresh. I'll go back and read her reply after I post this because I know I'll probably identify with it in some way, shape, or form (always seems to be the case).

    Anyhow, what I wanted to say was that as an "sx" myself, I tend to get really deep really fast. I learn a lot about the person very quickly (so long as they are allowing it and there is a connection). It's like I'm a coal miner with a hard-hat and a flashlight, digging as deep as I can looking for "the good stuff". But, if there's no real connection, it just kind of fizzles out. This can happen for a number of reasons:

    (a) The other person isn't open, so it's like I'm hitting a brick wall and I can't go any deeper. At this point it begins to feel like one of those "superficial", surface-only, "how's the weather" relationships. There's nothing good to talk about.

    (b) Our interests don't really mesh. I met an ISFJ once and we began hanging out all the time. Lots. But, after about 2 months, I just realized that we had almost zero in common. What she wanted to talk about and what I wanted to talk about were almost always 2 different things. N/S played a role in this as well, but it was like digging and digging, but never finding any coal. Doesn't mean she wasn't interesting or unique, it's just that we failed to connect, time and time again.

    (c) After getting to know them, it becomes obvious that I won't be able to give them what they want. I have a fairly new friend (a guy) who I started hanging out with. Cool guy. I enjoy his company, he's an NT like me, and so we get along quite well. I can do a lot of "digging deep" because he is a wealth of information. Full of knowledge. But, I'm beginning to see that he wants me to "fill a role" in his schedule, in his agenda. He wants me to be "on board" with everything he is doing. And he gets frustrated when I'm not. And that puts a certain strain on me. So, I don't stop being his friend. I just back up a bit; I slowly retreat and take the friendship back down a notch, if you will. Being an "sx", I want my "deep friendships" to be a "10" on a scale of 1 to 10. So, he and I got to the point to where I'd consider it maybe a 6 (it was just starting to get interesting - possible future business partner, a lot of things we could do together to help each other out in various areas of life, etc, not to mention fun to hang out with). But, now it's like I've taken it back to a 4 or 5. Because the closer I got, the deeper I dug, the more he demanded out of me that I wasn't comfortable fulfilling. If I was OK fulfilling the demands of the friendship, I'd continue to move forward. But, if I'm not, I have to scale it back to a level that is comfortable for me.

    Sometimes you dig deep and you find some gems in there, but then sometimes you foresee that it can't quite continue to work as well as you had hoped. You can see potential problems, you can see certain reasons the two of you will butt heads, etc. So, you can't go any deeper. You have to kind of stop the coal-mining operation right there and determine whether you'd like to be this person's friend at a "5 out of 10 deepness level", or if it's better to "journey on". If I begin to "journey on", and they show initiative and make it known that they'd like to remain friends and they see value in our friendship, then that can reel me back in a bit and I'll be a loyal friend. We're a strange breed, I know.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  2. #12
    Vaguely Precise Seymour's Avatar
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    I relate to a lot of Jennifer's post. In fact, at certain points I've felt afraid that I'm addicted to the initial rush of infatuation (not necessarily sexual). For example, there's nothing quite like the early stages of making a good friend. I've learned to hold back more and pace myself, but it is a highly rewarding experience for me.

    I also find myself enjoying crisis situations at times, since that's when the walls between other people come down. The intensity and chance to see whole new sides to people can make dealing with a crisis fulfilling on a sx level. (By the way, by crisis I don't mean drama but instead some unusual situation that disrupts the normal day to dat and lets you relate to people differently.)

    It did take me a while to learn that not everyone is looking for the same one-on-one intensity I am, and that such an intensity isn't always healthy.

    My partner is pretty clearly a 5 sp, which makes him more withdraw than I am. At times it's made for frustration, since he doesnt have the same need for intense relating, and although he wants connection on some level, he'll rarely move to initiate it.

    (Hope this whole post isn't too much off topic.)

  3. #13
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Yeah, Jennifer's post resonates quite a bit.

    Basically as an INTP sx, I just want to talk about really interesting stuff *all the time*. I need space, I need alone time to recharge my batteries, and yes, there are other things that need to be tended to. But, theoretically, if I just had 1 friend that I could talk to about "life" all the time, that would be really cool. No drama and all that other stuff, but just someone to bounce ideas off of and have some debates with, laugh about crazy stuff, etc. That's what gets me going. That's where the good stuff is at for the sx and, frankly, not a lot of people are into that sort of thing. So, when we find it, or when it begins to happen/unfold, it's an amazing thing.

    When someone lets you dig really deep and get close it's kind of like this :
    YouTube - Christian The Lion - i will always love you....
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  4. #14
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    But, theoretically, if I just had 1 friend that I could talk to about "life" all the time, that would be really cool. No drama and all that other stuff, but just someone to bounce ideas off of and have some debates with, laugh about crazy stuff, etc. That's what gets me going. That's where the good stuff is at for the sx and, frankly, not a lot of people are into that sort of thing. So, when we find it, or when it begins to happen/unfold, it's an amazing thing.
    Mindmates...
    Do you think it has to be another sx?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer
    When I meet someone I don't know and who responds to me on a personal level, it's like shots of caffeine and cocaine shot straight to the brain. Everything revs up immediately into overdrive and I'm completely immersed in the conversation. And because they are a mystery to me in many ways, that engages my intuition and curiosity -- I want to understand them and see how they fit together and "know" who they are. (I'm thinking that INTPs will recognize this as a similar feeling to finding an area of study or a pasttime that is particularly fascinating and how the INTP gets a "lock" on it and is totally immersed...)
    I know that buzzy, hyper, high. But does this happen often for you? I could count the number of times on one hand... I really wish I could get that with more people, but most are just hard work and zero chemistry.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  5. #15
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    Well the major misread is that soc/sp move to sx when starting a relationship

    sx/sp moves to soc when starting a relationship


    only temporarily.


    So they can look like each other for awhile, and then end up disappointed when the true self comes out.

  6. #16
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    Mindmates...
    Do you think it has to be another sx?
    I'm beginning to think so, yes. In order to have that intensity for a sustained, long period of time. At the very least sx would need to be the 2nd variant in their stacking. At least that's the only scenario that's ever gotten me to say something like this: YouTube - I Like You... I Like You Ahh-lawt.
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  7. #17
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    That doesn't mean that two grown adults (1 "sx" with 1 "non-sx") could not make a relationship work. But, to achieve "mindmate" status, I think they would both need to have that insatiable desire to "go deep".
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  8. #18
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    hmm...i'd guess my ex was a so/sp...i'm sx/so and we related well socially but for me it was lacking in depth and intensity....really interesting looking at it this way.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  9. #19
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Morgan Le Fay View Post
    I know that buzzy, hyper, high. But does this happen often for you? I could count the number of times on one hand... I really wish I could get that with more people, but most are just hard work and zero chemistry.
    Sigh. Well... it happens for me all the time.

    Romance wasn't really a part of what I was describing, although it could be I guess. Just someone reaching out in a deeply personal way and letting me see them, and vice versa.

    Sometimes I guess it scares me because I can't tell whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. Is it a gift/positive way of seeing? Or is it that I am just an addict to that sort of personal attention and it's some sort of weakness? I don't like being in thrall to feelings.

    I honestly don't know how to interpret what I feel.
    I just know how it feels, for me.

    I guess in my last relationship, I did feel like I had a found a "soulmate." But that same sort of intensity I'm describing above... well, it wasn't as intense. It was more calm, and I just felt like I was with someone who could read me and me him without effort. Maybe the intensity at the beginning is because the exchange is laced with anticipation and mystery? But after awhile, that part inevitably gets quenched and the relationship rides on knowing each other and being together.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #20
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
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    Just to add my 2 copper pieces as someone new to Enneagrams, Jennifer's post also resonates with me. People are deeply interesting and I like getting to know someone new. If they're interesting, then I want to really start to dig deeper but if they're not, it's like I feel quietly disappointed and then move on to the next person.

    Good post Jenn
    "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
    ― Woodrow Wilson

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