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  1. #1
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
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    Default Type Nines and "merging" with loved ones...

    So in almost every type 9 profile that I've read, it says that 9s do romance by merging with their partner. I'm pretty sure that this is any relationship where the 9 gets close to someone in general (whether it's friends, a long term relationship, a family member etc) in general.

    What are your experiences with "merging" with people? What do you think that it is? It's never really been defined anywhere what it really is (unless I overlooked that, if so then post what it is).

    In my experience it's like I know everything about the person I've merged with. Pretty much nothing can stop me from liking them. I know their needs, how they react to everything, etc.

    Or maybe that's just really close psychological distance?

    If so, then what is this merging?
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  2. #2
    meat popsicle r.a's Avatar
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    this is hard to put into words.

    i can say that it is the case with me. to get into my close circle of loved ones is not the easiest process. see, when i am looking for a girlfriend or a best friend, i am not looking for someone just to spend time with, i am a diplomatic chameleon by nature. since i absorb so much from those around me, and am also very aware of what i am absorbing and what i intend on putting out, so whoever is closest to me needs to be a model of some attribute(s) i am looking to take in i.e. absorb. but also, i have attributes that they do not possess that, in my opinion at the time, they could use in trade for what i could learn from them. it needs to be serendipitous, so i'm not out there slaying tigers to find this. i slay tigers for other reasons.

    now, i don't know if this has to do so much with my enneagramness, my INFJness or my piscean nature, but what i am actually looking for is my other half. someone with whom i am so comfortable absorbing that i want to merge with, mixing my attributes with theirs to create one conscious organism. this merging, rationally, is so that we can function as a whole, learning, growing and evolving together. i'm willing, at times, to settle for something less. that is usually (actually always by experience) a mistake. i'm looking for my other half, so that, yes, we can merge, coexist and co-evolve. nothing else has done it for me, and, probably tragically, nothing will.
    "All authority of any kind, especially in the field of thought and understanding, is destructive and evil. Leaders destroy the followers and the followers destroy the leaders. You have to be your own teacher and your own disciple. You have to question everything that man has accepted as valuable, as necessary."
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    J.Krishnamurti

  3. #3
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    I think it's to do with taking on another person's being as your own. I've only read about merging in terms of mothers and babies. Because babies have not differentiated their own ego from the mother's yet, they feel the mother's feelings as their own. They don't know that it isn't their own feeling. In my own experience for example, when my baby was very little, I would feel things that I knew weren't my own feelings, they were hers. Even physically, I felt her hunger as a tightening and discomfort in my own stomach. It was weird, I've never had that with another person.

    I know someone who I'm pretty sure is a 9, and she generally likes to go along with what the other person wants. I can imagine that in a very close and intimate relationship, they might take the other person's feelings, needs, desires as their own and feel very responsible for those things, more than maybe another Enneatype would.
    the shoheen ho of the wind of the west and the lulla lo of the soft sea billow - Alfred Graves

  4. #4
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
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    That's very interesting...

    This just continues to prove that I've never loved anybody.

    But on this note-

    Quote Originally Posted by Gerbah View Post
    I know someone who I'm pretty sure is a 9, and she generally likes to go along with what the other person wants. I can imagine that in a very close and intimate relationship, they might take the other person's feelings, needs, desires as their own and feel very responsible for those things, more than maybe another Enneatype would.
    When I care about someone and enjoy them, I do tend to take on their needs and feelings as my own. Sort of like a caretaker, in an aloof way. If they aren't happy, I'm not happy.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  5. #5
    full of love Kingfisher's Avatar
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    i haven't read about 9s merging before.
    i think if you asked my friends they would say i am inextricably merged with my wife. haha! we are the butt of a lot of jokes for how 'attached-at-the-hip' we are.

    i think part of it is when a person has influences on your life that you couldn't have on your own. what i mean is that a person causes changes and effects in you that you wouldn't be able to cause on your own. so what they do sort of manifests itself in your actions, and they are like a self outside of your self.

    i think your identity probably has something to do with it too, i know 9s are notorious for all kinds of contradictory identity issues.
    i think when you "merge" with someone you really incorporate them into your identity in a huge way. maybe it is not totally conscious, but i think they affect your way of seeing your self.

    ----edit-
    oh, my wife and i are both 9's.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    When I care about someone and enjoy them, I do tend to take on their needs and feelings as my own. Sort of like a caretaker, in an aloof way. If they aren't happy, I'm not happy.
    Oh, could you please explain the bit about being "aloof"? If you're taking on the other person's needs and feelings as your own and you're not happy unless they are, how are you aloof?
    the shoheen ho of the wind of the west and the lulla lo of the soft sea billow - Alfred Graves

  7. #7
    Magical BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gerbah View Post
    Oh, could you please explain the bit about being "aloof"? If you're taking on the other person's needs and feelings as your own and you're not happy unless they are, how are you aloof?
    Well I'm distant yet there at the same time. It's weird to explain. It's like part of me is totally away from the other person, and the other part is with them. One part tends to take over at any given time. So I can appear aloof.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  8. #8
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    Well I'm distant yet there at the same time. It's weird to explain. It's like part of me is totally away from the other person, and the other part is with them. One part tends to take over at any given time. So I can appear aloof.
    That is so interesting to me because of this 9 I know. It took me a while to figure out that she is rather distant although she likes to be kind and do favours. I misinterpreted that at the beginning.
    the shoheen ho of the wind of the west and the lulla lo of the soft sea billow - Alfred Graves

  9. #9
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    The only person I'm really mergey with is my husband. I'm a 9w1 and he is a 1w9. We're both kind of distant in general so it's not super-co-dependenty most of the time. But I do remember several years ago feeling kind of freaked out by the Borgishness of it. Really, though, we got married when we were twenty-one and we've been married almost 18 years, so you're going to get that no matter your types, I'd think. Especially if you are compatible.

    Another way it works for me is that I see people that I love as sort of extensions of myself so our well-beings are one and the same. Not a whole lot of competition. When I was younger, the balance always worked, in my mind, in the other person's favor, but as I've gotten older and learned to value myself, I've come to realize it works both ways. Their well-being is tied to mine, so it's okay to take care of myself, too.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #10
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    I can relate to the aloofness. Sort of feeling detached from the other person to keep my inner peace, feeling strong in the self sort of.
    I do think there's nothing wrong with merging, it's actually quite nice and it doesn't have to be with a person perse, it can also be a spiritual merging with surroundings, colors, taste etc.
    Also, I believe strong merging force has to do with stacking. I am an sp/so myself and somehow reserved until I get to know somebody well. However, my jobs have always in the hospitality industry dealing with lots of people.

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