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  1. #1
    Senior Member Mal12345's Avatar
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    Default Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)

    To quote an old guy in the movie "Kingsman: The Golden Circle": What is THAT?

    I, having missed out on viewing the 2014 Kingsman effort, thought exactly that as the 2017 edition presented itself to my spectacled eyes.

    Is it James Bondian? Is it Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow? Both, and neither. It's a comic book movie made for the 9 year old boy in all of us (yes, even the women). Except - don't bring your 9 year old. You can bring your 9 year old self trapped in an adult body, but that's it. Because the lady to my left apparently drove her kid home and then came back alone. And the woman in front of me kept putting her hand over the boy's eyes next to her (I assume they are related somehow.)

    Sky Captain... errr, "Kingsman: The Golden Circle" has the audacity to feature the "Can you hear me now?" guy from the old Verizon ads as some kind of super-spy. Here's his picture in case you don't remember him:


    "What do you think of me now, bitches?"

    Wait. Shit. I just realized that it's not that guy, it's this guy:


    I don't know the difference anyway. It could have been the Verizon guy for all it matters. I only went to see this because of the missile launcher depicted above. Yep, I am that superficial.

    No I'm not. It's just that all the deep movies have been made already. I've seen, and enjoyed, probably most of them. And now all Hollywood has to offer is crap like Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017).

    There are no touching moments in this movie. There are no "heavy" moments. There is nothing to send chills down my spine. And the only reason I am posting this movie review is to create a permanent record of a movie I will forget about two days from... now.

    Since this movie has nothing much to offer, I focused my viewing on trying to follow the sketchy, far-fetched plot and enjoy the sfx. The ending fight scene (there's always an ending fight scene) held a cinematic surprise which I doubt 1% of the viewing audience will catch on to much less appreciate. Not that I'm better than the other 99%; after all, they are capable of enjoying something without thinking about it at the same time, a trait that I lack. And I do envy that trait.

    But if you're like my wife, you won't even bother to think about it, you will simply fall asleep (which is what she would have done).

    I am no movie afficionado, I can barely name any of today's actors so I am forced to compare them to actors of yore.

    For example, there was the 'Burt Reynolds' character - in look only. His presence in the movie made me miss Burt Reynolds. What an awesome actor. Guess which picture below contains the Burt Reynolds look-alike:


    "No not them, me on the right."

    If you didn't know which one was the Burt Reynolds look-alike, then I pity your soul. If you thought it was the female in the middle, then you need a nice big dose of some of Poppy's fine recreational drugs in the movie.

    I'll give this donkey 10/10 stars for making me pine for the golden days of Hollywood (roughly 1971 - 1986).
    "Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the mouth." Mike Tyson
    “Culture?” says Paul McCartney. “This isn't culture. It's just a good laugh.”

  2. #2
    Post Human Post Qlip's Avatar
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    Default

    I'm going to wait for Totenkindly's thread on this. Just kidding, didn't watch it, not going to.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Mal12345's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Qlip View Post
    I'm going to wait for Totenkindly's thread on this. Just kidding, didn't watch it, not going to.
    Haha. But editing is still in process. I improved some of the verbiage in the OP. I don't know why I'm putting so much effort into this. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    I imagine you didn't read it anyway, just like you won't watch the movie, and you won't read totenkindly's fine review of the movie.
    "Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the mouth." Mike Tyson
    “Culture?” says Paul McCartney. “This isn't culture. It's just a good laugh.”

  4. #4
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    The "Burt Reynolds" look-alike is Pedro Pascal (who played Oberyn in GoT) -- kinda surprised he got no top billing, in lieu of all the Other Typical Schmucks in this franchise. Oh well. He's like, probably, the only reason I want to see him... to hear him talk with a Texan drawl, lol.

    if anyone is waiting for my shite review of this film, you'll probably have to wait until Christmas when they try to air-drop it on the viewing public in Bluray and DVD... whereupon I'll stream it for free somehow. But yeah, will I make it through? I actually had to watch the first one in two sittings... I got too bored.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

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    As long as the manage to not murder a church full of southerners in this one, it will be a better film.

  6. #6
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DiscoBiscuit View Post
    As long as the manage to not murder a church full of southerners in this one, it will be a better film.
    Hey, a bunch of second-string secret agents lost their lives too! #MarginalSecretAgentLivesMatter
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Totenkindly View Post
    Hey, a bunch of second-string secret agents lost their lives too! #MarginalSecretAgentLivesMatter
    Every southerner I know who's seen the first one hates it for obvious reasons.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Forever_Jung's Avatar
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    Yeah this was a pretty stupid, overstuffed, and incoherent movie. It was occasionally funny, and contained a couple fun action sequences, but the rest was irredeemable garbage. Colin Firth, Julianne Moore, Pedro Pascal, and Jeff Bridges all appeared in the film and none of them could save it! Even Channing Tatum is usually in much better films (it's surprising they even brought him onboard, since they gave him so little to do. Perhaps they aim to include him in the next one.).

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