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  1. #41
    Senior Member The Great One's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuchIrony View Post
    I thought it was good book.

    What was so bad about it?
    The damn book was so depressing. It's almost like I had to intoxicate myself just to finish the book. Oh and it wasn't like a "Slumdog Millionaire" either where the first half of the movie was depressing and the second half was delightful. Instead it was depression from cover to cover. FUCK THAT BOOK!

  2. #42
    Gone Aesthete's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatever View Post
    that's the goal!
    Do you mind if I just take the beginning and make a fortune for myself by continuing from there?
    Great men are like eagles, and build their nest on some lofty solitude.

    Schopenhauer

  3. #43
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aesthete View Post
    Do you mind if I just take the beginning and make a fortune for myself by continuing from there?
    you doubt my ability?
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  4. #44
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    chapter 3 of the worst novel ever written

    Slowly, images started to fade in and noises and sensations started to arrive- like backwards of what happens when you lose consciousness. I started to hear the clinking of silverware and glasses and smell food and hear laughter... I started to see a fairly high end restaurant as well. Why was there a high end restaurant in Death's domain?

    "Where ARE we?" I asked, completely confused by the utterly un-Deathlike atmosphere.

    "I thought I'd take you out for some champagne and dessert first on the west coast... aren't women supposed to like romance and surprise?" He gave me the same look that my dog always gave me when I was cleaning and moved his leash from one location to another without taking him on a walk.

    So he was confused- I didn't know whether to be proud of myself or disappointed that my desire to get down and dirty had confused a timeless and probably ageless entity. Though champagne and dessert sounded nice, I could only hope that flowers, poetry and deep staring into one another's eyes wouldn't come next- that shit is the action equivalent to chugging a bottle of syrup. I didn't want to end up stranded in California though, so I went along with it. Plus, doesn't food lead to a man's heart and possibly other things?

    "Sure! Who doesn't love a little romance and surprise!"

    We got a table for two on the balcony overlooking the ocean. I was somewhat suspicious that I'd seen this exact same restaurant and view in at least half a dozen of those "hooker with a heart of gold" type movies that my sophomore year roommate was obsessed with. The waiter brought us some champagne and asked what we wanted for dessert... what I REALLY wanted by this point in the evening was a bacon cheeseburger or some taco bell, but I didn't want to spoil the mood, so I ordered the next best thing- mini churros with chocolate dipping sauce.

    "So do you show up when everyone dies?" I asked, sipping on my champagne and noting rather happily that it was a blanc de noir. "I mean, there's a lot of people in the world and people are probably dying every second... how do you find the time to have a life?"

    Death laughed, "The human understanding of time, as applicable to their lifespans and the traverse through them doesn't exactly capture the true nature of time- just because YOU can move only one direction through it at one speed doesn't mean that everything else in the universe moves by the same rules. Have you ever wondered why whenever you try to swat a fly it somehow seems to be somewhere else unless it's an incredibly stupid fly?"

    I'm going to chalk my reply up to the fact that I'd been drinking so far that evening, "so... this time thing... does this mean that I could possibly become my own grandma?"

    Death laughed even harder at that. I was starting to feel a bit angry until he replied "only if you want to be born without a delta brainwave!"

    The Futurama reference did me in... I promptly (and unsexily) spit my champagne out my nose. "Does that mean that I'll be the savior of all humankind?"

    We were both laughing by this point- the date seemed to be going along quite well which was remarkable. It was at this point that I started to wonder what was going to go wrong and a horrifying idea hit me... did Death have a penis?

    I decided against asking this question and decided to take a more direct route instead... I slipped off my sandal under the table and slid my foot into Death's lap to cop a feel. I slid my foot up his leg, towards his crotch hoping to find SOMETHING there, as my evening would end in disappointment if I'd managed to pick up a Ken doll. Death looked startled at first and then smiled.

    "You'll find what you're looking for. Do you think I'd allow myself to exist without one?"

    I blushed... I could feel the heat spread across my face, ears, neck and even chest. I wasn't expecting to get called out on my explorations. "Sorry... I don't normally spend my time hanging out with supernatural entities, so I was curious!"

    "Be glad that you're not a cat then!"

    "Do cats really have..."

    "No, cats have INFINITE lives. They've already discovered the cheat code that somehow manages to elude humanity. So have parrots, earthworms, chickens and dogs- not to mention some creatures that you haven't discovered yet. It doesn't mean that they come back in the same body though."

    I was starting to think that perhaps I SHOULDN'T be drinking for once, or that I should start drinking more heavily... I wasn't sure which one, but I WAS sure that I wasn't drinking the exact right amount. I considered crying, until it occurred to me that only a total pussy would cry even if they WERE tipsy, tired and confused- this was an adventure!

    As I learned a bit more about the fact that humans can be kind of oblivious in their sense of superiority and that there's a whole boatload of absolutely mind blowing stuff out there that I would probably never remember correctly enough in the morning to assemble and win a Nobel Prize, the restaurant started to wind down until we were some of the few people left.

    "So NOW it's time to head home for the night," said Death with a wink.

    He paid the bill with a credit card, the name on which I couldn't quite catch, and then we made our way out onto the beach. It was a cool night, with the breeze blowing in off of the ocean and I was positively twitchy with anticipation as to how we were going to get there.

    "Close your eyes and hold my hand. You'll be fine as long as you hold on," Death instructed. I grabbed his hand, shut my eyes and went for it.

    We walked forward, slowly- cold water lapped over my feet but got warmer as I stood there to approximately the same temperature as bathwater. I was hoping that visiting Death's domain wouldn't actually involve drowning because there are parts of my life that I'd really rather not see replayed. Then we turned and walked back out.

    "Open your eyes," Death said, so I did. The stars were different than they were before- these constellations looked NOTHING like the ones I had memorized as a child, standing on the hill behind the house with my father and his telescope- they didn't look like any that I'd seen in the Southern Hemisphere either. The breeze off of the ocean was warmer now as well and I could hear steel drums in the distance.
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  5. #45
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    chapter 4... proving that things really DO get worse

    "I tried the somber 'Land of Death' approach in the past, but found it to be rather depressing, and people kept escaping. Ever wonder where zombie legends come from? Not disease or trances, but from people escaping from a dreary afterlife. I let the dead choose the redecorating scheme- I'm sure you'll find it rather charming, if eclectic."
    We turned to walk inland and I was surprised to see a giant pyramid made of luminescent rock behind us. "Don't be surprised by anything you see... have you ever wondered what a mind like da Vinci's can come up with after a few centuries of sitting in a dreary, gray world?"
    A flock of jellyfish floated by in the air, tentacles streaming sparkles. "I hadn't, but I'm starting to get an idea of what sort of things!"

    The air smelled like cotton candy and I could SWEAR that I saw a pterodactyl flying overhead by the light of the 3 (yes, 3) moons. I was starting to wonder if this is what a GOOD trip on acid is like. The one time I tried it I became convinced that I was a hologram and wept inconsolably in the corner for an hour. I even dumped a glass of water on my lap to prove that, since the floor got wet, I really WAS a hologram. People milled around, dressed as if for a historical costume party, and I was starting to wonder if people dressed for any time period that they wanted. I think that I even managed to see Rudolph Valentino's wang. My great grandma would have been so jealous, except for she probably gets to see it all of the time now.

    "So, the afterlife is more like the afterparty?"

    "Pretty much, anymore. I've got to admit that it's a pleasant change from the doom and gloom that I'd been living in- I've never been much of an interior decorator though."

    "I'm going to hazard a guess and say that we aren't underground then," I suggested.

    "No... I really don't get the death is underground thing that people have going on in so many cultures. The earth's mantle and core are underground, we're someplace else. Another dimension, if that explanation makes any sense to you. Anything is possible here."

    A few dogs ran past and one stopped to sniff my leg... I pulled back for fear that it would decide to pee. I guess dogs (who don't choose reincarnation anyways) really DO go to heaven sort of... what the hell happened to heaven, or for that matter hell? I suppose there's no point to behaving now, not that I had any plans to.

    I ran my hands around Death's waist and asked "so where's YOUR place?"

    Wonders of the dead can wait a moment.

    "My place is any place that I would like for it to be... want to explore the pyramid, or would you rather get a cabana on the beach?"

    So much for getting to know somebody by snooping through their stuff... "So you really don't have a home of your own?"

    "Not any one place, but I can MAKE any place my home- and not in the transient 'king of the road' type manner that one might associate with that sentiment."

    "This I've GOT to see! Let's go for the pyramid- it seems to be an interesting choice!"

    We walked towards the pyramid, the occasional strange look thrown our direction... I don't think that Death brought home personal guests very often. As we got closer, I noticed that the pyramid didn't have a door.

    "How are we supposed to get in the pyramid? Walk through the wall?"

    "Why not?"

    I reached out and touched the pyramid... it felt kind of like if glass and jello had a really odd love child, but it didn't leave my hand sticky. Death stepped through the wall like it wasn't a big deal, so I held by breath and followed... it was kind of odd, like stepping through cellophane, but at least it wasn't slimy, like I'd feared.

    Inside the pyramid were more people, as it was apparently also a discotheque of sorts, or a casino- I wasn't really sure which. I kept following Death as he walked through the crowd to an elevator though.

    "So you don't have doors but you have elevators?"

    "Some things are done for novelty, it seems, and some for comfort- most people quit flying after they've tried it a few times because the novelty wears off."

    "Wait... dead people can FLY? That is TOO cool!"

    We took the elevator up some distance and then stepped out into what looked like a nice hotel hallway on one of the top floors, as there was only one door. He opened the door and it led to a flight of stairs, which took us into the top room of the pyramid.

    The walls appeared to be made of glass and the floor was springy like a mattress... I took a tentative jump and realized that it was indeed like jumping on a bed. This was awesome! I bounced around, circling Death while he looked amused- then I knocked him over in hopes of knocking that smug smile off of his face.

    "Hey!" He giggled, "is that any way to treat your host?"

    I crawled up the length of his body and planted a big sloppy kiss on his lips "maybe not, but this is!"

    We giggled around on the mattress-floor for a bit before I decided that his pants absolutely MUST go. I removed his belt and shoes and then pants, all of which I threw off to the side. I then removed my sandals, sweater and skirt, noting that I really HAD burned a hole in my leg... I kept the bra... there's only so much bouncing I wanted to do.

    "Want some music?" Death inquired, unbuttoning his shirt.

    "Night on Bald Mountain?" I suggested... call me a dork, but if I was getting down and dirty with Death I wanted something sinister to accompany it. As soon as I'd finished speaking, the first notes of the song started to emanate from every side of the room.

    I went to take my underwear off and tripped, falling right back into the mattress. "Sorry, it's been a while!"

    "No complaining here, last time I got any whalebone corsets were all the rage... your modern undergarmets look so much more comfortable."

    I crawled back over to Death and kissed him hard... he still felt like any other man I had been with, so I reached down and cupped his balls. Good, there were two of them!

    Feeling generous, I decided to start things out with a little foreplay... I licked his balls and then gave the preliminary few licks of a blowjob and Death was instantly at attention. Men, it appears, are men no matter whether they are timeless entities or the dude who sits in front of you in stats. I decided to proceed with my plans of getting him orally excited before jumping on to finish him off, running my tongue back and forth over the ridge along the back of his penis (the frenulum, I believe it's called according to the class on sex that I took!), occasionally slipping the lips back over the head and then proceeding to occasionally tighten my throat and slip it further back, all of the while playing with his balls. I was pleased to note that he didn't once put his hand on the back of my head and push me down further- that sort of thing is just RUDE!

    Just as I was getting into the rhythm of things, Death came. I could swear that my mouth was suddenly filled with wintergreen diamonds... it was odd. Remembering that it's rude to spit though, I swallowed. There's MUCH worse things than wintergreen out there after all.

    Death actually blushed, "I am so sorry... it's been quite a while. Perhaps you wouldn't mind if I pay some attention to you?"
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  6. #46
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    by the way, suggestions or critiques are quite welcome... I'm still just playing with it and this is a rough draft
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  7. #47
    Member DaniaWania's Avatar
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    "I am making a friendship application and 'Do you think JUNO (film) is awesome?' is a compulsory question..."
    ~A Malazan Fallen~
    DFTBA!

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