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  1. #11
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by acronach View Post
    it's great, loved it so far! Eager to read more.



    I feel like Kaynin would be really curious about it though, but you could have her just not want to talk about it. And ya, random dude walks up to a traveling trader at a bar and tries to sell him a cartload of weapons, nothing wrong with this scenario :3



    ya, i did notice a minor spelling mistake on the top of page 5 "Kaynin’s words wouldn’t scare of a mouse"
    Kaynin is curious about it. But like any INTP would, he would rather avoid sensative subjects until he feel more comfortable asking.
    For now, he is still trying to accustom to the situation at hand.
    As for the weapons deal, I felt I had to bring in something that would more clearly explain that this world is far from perfect. Besides, they need to run into trouble soon or the story might feel too boring.
    Also, good merchants can be picked out a crowd easily in this word based on the quality of their clothes. It's not something I've focused that much on. So people walking up to each other in taverns to do business is not an uncommon thing in this world.

    Also, as will become more clear in the future. There isn't much love for the church. Kaynin uses its connections as a tool and power, but he shares little other connection to the church. No merchant ever really does. What's more important is the money that is to be made.

    Thanks a lot anyway, and fixed the mistake, thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by AphroditeGoneAwry View Post
    Suweet. Made me laugh in a couple places. You are really, really good at Yelena's innocence bouncing off Kaynin's exasperation! You haven't left anything out.

    And I love how you address peeing and pooping. That was ALWAYS something that bothered me about stories....no one ever seemed to need to go to the bathroom! lol
    Haha, yes. I often dislike those things as well. The story might become too long because of it, but I think adding those scenario's only adds to the authenticity of the characters.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  2. #12
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by acronach View Post
    And ya, random dude walks up to a traveling trader at a bar and tries to sell him a cartload of weapons, nothing wrong with this scenario :3
    Anyhow, you do make a good point. I'm thinking about what I could add to explain it so it feels more natural that this event plays out.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  3. #13
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    still reading... one thing to fix is the tenses... pick present tense or past tense and stick with it.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  4. #14
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Addition made.

    Also present tense if he thinks about something that happened just moments ago? I know I undoubtfully have made a few mistakes. But surely some past tenses are used correctly, since it is partly narrated through the thoughts of Kaynin himself.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  5. #15
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    still reading... one thing to fix is the tenses... pick present tense or past tense and stick with it.
    I'm sure I left in some error in that regard whihc I will try to find and remove. But there are times past tense would be okay right?

    For example in this sentence:
    "The pounding of his troubled heart will be sure to cause the earth to shatter beneath his feet. Looking down to the ground he realizes that thought was not a literal one."

    Was in this sentence is correctly past tense, no? The thought no longer exists.

    It is a kind of odd narrative style. I think I made it work though.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  6. #16
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    I'm sure I left in some error in that regard whihc I will try to find and remove. But there are times past tense would be okay right?

    For example in this sentence:
    "The pounding of his troubled heart will be sure to cause the earth to shatter beneath his feet. Looking down to the ground he realizes that thought was not a literal one."

    Was in this sentence is correctly past tense, no? The thought no longer exists.

    It is a kind of odd narrative style. I think I made it work though.
    In this case, instead of was, I'd say, "Looking down to the ground, he realizes that this thought hadn't been a literal one." I think the 'was' and the 'is' interfere, where "hadn't" basically can be used as a part form of "isn't" without interfering with tense.

    Most of the violations I'm talking about were less ambiguous and scattered throughout the text. It was enough that I kept getting jarred out of the writing, which isn't something you want to have happen -- you want people to forget they are reading.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  7. #17
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    In this case, instead of was, I'd say, "Looking down to the ground, he realizes that this thought hadn't been a literal one." I think the 'was' and the 'is' interfere, where "hadn't" basically can be used as a part form of "isn't" without interfering with tense.

    Most of the violations I'm talking about were less ambiguous and scattered throughout the text. It was enough that I kept getting jarred out of the writing, which isn't something you want to have happen -- you want people to forget they are reading.
    Aye definately. Thanks for the tip. I started this just to get some pointers as to how the story was evolving and such but since there seems to be quite some animo, I've just made more additions. I should focus for a while on correcting all the errors, and not post an addition until I've properly proofread it. Since I myself pretty much automatically read over most mistakes, I have to stop and disect every sentence though. This is were it becomes rather obvious my english is largely self taught on the internet.

    But yeah, 'tis important. *puts on glasses*

    edit: After doing the first page, you weren't joking! Damn I left a lot of the past tense mistakes in. Even when I tried to focus on preventing making those.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  8. #18
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    I hesitate to make too many comments like that, because I don't want to bog you down.

    Basically, just jot it down on a piece of paper, and meanwhile keep pushing through your draft. you can catch them all later.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  9. #19
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I hesitate to make too many comments like that, because I don't want to bog you down.

    Basically, just jot it down on a piece of paper, and meanwhile keep pushing through your draft. you can catch them all later.
    True, but since I've got to go to Austria tomorrow, I'll just focus on fixing what I have so far (to be honest, it isn't taking all that long. I'm already on, cough, page 6.)
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

  10. #20
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    The currently posted story is now proofread!

    If you still see grammar or spelling mistakes, please let me know.

    From now on I will also proofread every new addition to the best of my ability before posting it.
    ~Self-depricating Megalomaniacal Superwolf

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