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Your favourite dialogue, and one-liners!

run

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5w4
Like most dilapidated structures, you haven't been entered in decades

-- Donald Trump roasting some comedian who had a buncha facelifts and was like 60
 

swordpath

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From The Lost Boys:

Sam Emerson: My own brother a goddamn, shit-sucking vampire! Oh, you wait 'til Mom finds out.
 

Lethe

Obsession.
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so/sx
The Dark Knight

Joker: You see, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.

==========================

Mass Effect

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya: I'm pleased that the imminent destruction of all organic life has improved you career opportunities.

-----------

Joker: Boy am I glad to be off Noveria. I don't know which is worse; the cold or the corporations. One will freeze your balls off, the other will sell em' out from under you. With all due respect, Commander.

-----------

Scientist A: Okay okay, this one will get you.
Scientist B: Ugh... not again. How can you joke at a time like this?
Scientist A: Just listen. So, there are these two hydrogen atoms and they're talking. One says to the other, 'Hey, I lost my electron!' And then the other one says, 'Really? Are you sure about that?' And then the first hydrogen atom says, 'Yeah...I'm positive!' Hahaha!
Scientist B: God. Just, stop.

-----------

Lorik Qui'in: Lady Benezia was also dressed for her role. An Asari in a pinstripe suit set tongues wagging among the younger male employees, so to speak.
Urdnot Wrex: I don't get how a clothed female can be more attractive than a naked one.

==========================

Team Fortress 2

"Hey, look buddy. I'm an engineer. That means I solve problems. Not problems like, "What is beauty?," because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of 'philosophy'. I solve practical problems.

For instance, how am I gonna stop some big, mean Mother Hubbard from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind? The answer: Use a gun. And if that don't work? Use more gun." - Engineer
 

stellar renegade

PEST that STEPs on PETS
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Shoulda known people would quote The Big Lebowski!

But you need even better dialogue:

WALTER
This was a valued rug. This was, uh--

DUDE
Yeah man, it really tied the room together--

WALTER
This was a valued, uh.

DONNY
What tied the room together, Dude?

WALTER
Were you listening to the story, Donny?

DONNY
What--

WALTER
Were you listening to the Dude's story?

DONNY
I was bowling--

WALTER
So you have no frame of reference, Donny. You're like a child who wanders in in the middle of a movie and wants to know--

DUDE
What's your point, Walter?

WALTER
There's no fucking reason--here's my point, Dude--there's no fucking reason--

DONNY
Yeah Walter, what's your point?

WALTER
Huh?

DUDE
What's the point of--we all know who was at fault, so what the fuck are you talking about?

WALTER
Huh? No! What the fuck are you talking--I'm not--we're talking about unchecked aggression here--

DONNY
What the fuck is he talking about?

DUDE
My rug.

WALTER
Forget it, Donny. You're out of your element.

DUDE
This Chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill so what the fuck are you talking about?

WALTER
What the fuck are you talking about?! This Chinaman is not the issue! I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line you do not, uh--and also, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American. Please.

DUDE
Walter, this is not a guy who built the rail-roads, here, this is a guy who peed on my--

WALTER
What the fuck are you--

DUDE
Walter, he peed on my rug--

DONNY
He peed on the Dude's rug--

WALTER
YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT! This Chinaman is not the issue, Dude.
 

swordpath

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^Hell yes. Just came back in here to mention The Big Lebowski (all of it) and also Pulp Fiction is a good one as well.
 

Typology

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...
Zapp Brannigan...hero.

[Fry is in a Captain Pike-style life-support machine]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Do you understand the charges?
Kif Kroker: One beep for yes, two beeps for no.
[Fry beeps once]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?
[Fry beeps twice]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Double yes. Guilty.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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Oct 4, 2008
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sx/sp
Anything from American Psycho:

Patrick Bateman
: [excusing himself from Detective Kimball] Listen, you'll have to excuse me. I have a lunch meeting with Cliff Huxtable at the Four Seasons in 20 minutes.

----
Patrick Bateman: He was into that whole Yale thing.
Donald Kimball: Yale thing?
Patrick Bateman: Yeah, Yale thing.
Donald Kimball: What whole Yale thing?
Patrick Bateman: Well, he was probably a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine. That whole Yale thing.
----
Patrick Bateman: Hey, I'm a child of divorce, gimme a break!

Or anything from O Brother Where Art Thou?

Pete: Well hell, it ain't square one! Ain't nobody gonna pick up three filthy, unshaved hitch-hikers, and one of them a know-it-all that can't keep his trap shut.

Ulysses Everett McGill: Pete, the personal rancor reflected in that remark I don't intend to dignify with comment. But I would like to address your general attitude of hopeless negativism. Consider the lilies of the goddamn field or... hell! Take at look at Delmar here as your paradigm of hope.

Delmar O'Donnell: Yeah, look at me.
----
Pomade Vendor: I can get the part from Bristol. It'll take two weeks, here's your pomade.

Ulysses Everett McGill: Two weeks? That don't do me no good.

Pomade Vendor: Nearest Ford auto man's Bristol.

Ulysses Everett McGill: Hold on, I don't want this pomade. I want Dapper Dan.

Pomade Vendor: I don't carry Dapper Dan, I carry Fop.

Ulysses Everett McGill
: Well, I don't want Fop, goddamn it! I'm a Dapper Dan man!

Pomade Vendor: Watch your language, young feller, this is a public market. Now if you want Dapper Dan, I can order it for you, have it in a couple of weeks.

Ulysses Everett McGill
: Well, ain't this place a geographical oddity. Two weeks from everywhere!
 

ed111

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INTJ
From the Straight Story...

Alvin Straight: You don't think about getting old when you're young... you shouldn't.
Cyclist #1: Must be something good about gettin' old?
Alvin Straight: Well I can't imagine anything good about being blind and lame at the same time but, still at my age I've seen about all that life has to dish out. I know to separate the wheat from the chaff, and let the small stuff fall away.
Cyclist #2: So, uh, what's the worst part about being old, Alvin?
Alvin Straight: Well, the worst part of being old is rememberin' when you was young.

[last lines]
Lyle Straight, Alvin's Brother: Did you ride that thing all the way out here to see me?
Alvin Straight: I did, Lyle.

I cry every time at this point. In fact tears are coming to my eyes as I type.

A few from Little Big Man...

Old Lodge Skins: Come out and fight! It is a good day to die! Thank You for making me a Human Being! Thank You for helpin' me to become a warrior! Thank You for my victories, and for my defeats! Thank You for my vision, and the blindness in which I saw further! You make all things and direct them in their ways, O Grandfather. And now You have decided the Human Beings will soon walk a road that leads nowhere. I am gonna die now, unless death wants to fight. And I ask You for the last time to grant me my old power to make things happen.
[Lies down to die. After a moment, props himself up on his elbows to add:]
Old Lodge Skins: Take care of my son here. See that he doesn't go crazy.

...

Old Lodge Skins: Let's go back to the teepee and eat, my son. My new snake wife cooks dog very well.
Jack Crabb: All right, Grandfather.
Old Lodge Skins: She also has a very soft skin. The only trouble with snake women is they copulate with horses, which makes them strange to me. She say's she doesn't. That's why I call her "Doesn't Like Horses". But, of course, she's lying.

...

Jack Crabb: I know of a white man who is as brave as any Human Being. His name is General Custer.
Old Lodge Skins: I would like to meet this man and smoke with him. What does his name mean?
Jack Crabb: It means 'Long Hair'.
Old Lodge Skins: Good name. How did he win it?
Jack Crabb: He won it in the war of the whites to free the black men.
Old Lodge Skins: Yes, the "black" white man; I have heard of them. It is said that a "black" white man once became a Human Being. They are a very strange creatures. Not as ugly as the white man true; but they are just as crazy!

and of course...

"My heart soars like a hawk!".

Pride and Prejudice:

Mr. Darcy: Yes, but that was only when I first knew her, for it is many months since I have considered her as one of the handsomest women of my acquaintance.
 

Willfrey

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How about Reservoir Dogs?

Mr. Blonde: Eddie, if I was a butt cowboy, I wouldn't even throw you to the posse.
~
(Joe is giving out code names)
Joe: Mr. Brown. Mr. White. Mr. Blonde. Mr. Blue. Mr. Orange, and Mr. Pink.
Mr. Pink: Why am I Mr. Pink?
Joe: Because you're a faggot, alright?
 

stellar renegade

PEST that STEPs on PETS
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Has anyone done the show House yet? I'll volunteer!

Stacy: You have to treat him

House: Medically this case is a snooze-fest. AIDS plus infection

Stacy: You don't treat him he charges you with assault

House: Just 'cause he says I hit him doesn't make it true. Watch, [looks up at the ceiling] I am surrounded by naked cheerleaders [nothing happens] See? [Stacy hands him a mug of coffee] Although I like my chances of some action this morning

Stacy: I forgot Wednesday was hooker day. This could've waited!

House: You make me meet you at your house, your husband is conveniently absent

Stacy: Mark's at physio, I'm stuck waiting for the exterminator [House gives a questioning look] I saw a rat last night

House: Well, I'm surprised your feet are touching the floor

Stacy: I barely slept

House: [takes off his jacket] What was Mark up to? Memory serves, quick climb up Mt. Gregory and you dozed through a seal hunt. Clubbing, shrieking. [walks to the sink and starts washing the dishes]

Stacy: What're you doing?

House: Sorry, it's driving me nuts

Stacy: You hate washing dishes

House: People change. I could make sure you sleep like a baby tonight

Stacy: Rather take care of that myself [walks up to the sink to help House]

House: I was referring to the rat

Stacy: Trenton Pests is sending a guy

[Suddenly in the middle of the domestic bliss--]

Mark: What's going on?

[House drops everything and turns around looking rather guilty]

House: It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes but actually, we're having sex

Stacy: We're working

Mark: Wow, wish I'd become a doctor. Place would be spotless [smirks and wheelchairs himself away]

Stacy: Take ten minutes, cure the guy, and stop whining [walks after Mark]
 

Athenian200

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Back to the future:

Marty: This can't be happening! (reads) March 15th 1973? No, oh please God no, no, please God, please God, no, this can't be happening! This can't be happening! This can't be.....

A shadow appears on the gravestone. Marty hears a twig snap and turns around. It's DOC and EINSTEIN!

Doc: I'm afraid it is happening Marty, all of it!

Marty: Doc!

Doc: When I learnt about your father, I figured you'd come here.

Marty: Then you know what happened to him? You know what happened, March 15th 1973?

Doc: Yes Marty, I know.

Cut to Doc's garage. It's a mess. Doc opens a book - Hill Valley Telegraph Archives March 1st - April 30th 1973. On the page he turns to is a headline - "George McFly Murdered: Local Author Shot Dead." We stay focused on the paper as Doc speaks.

Doc: (v.o) I went to the public library to try and make sense out of all the madness. The place was boarded up, shut down, so I broke in and borrowed some newspapers.

The camera turns to Marty and Doc.

Marty: I don't get it Doc, I mean how can this be happening? It's like we're in hell or something.

Doc: No, its Hill Valley, although I can't imagine hell being much worse!

Einstein whines. Doc takes a candle and goes over to him.

Doc: Oh Einie, I'm sorry boy, the lab is an awful, awful, awful, awful mess!

Doc gets Einstein's basket and he gets inside.

Doc: Atta boy. (to Marty) Obviously the time continuum has been disrupted creating this new temporally venced sequence resulting in this alternative reality.

Marty
: English, Doc!

Doc: Here, here, here, let me illustrate.

Doc finds blackboard and stands it up. He picks up some chalk.

Doc: Imagine that this line represents time.....

Doc draws a line on the blackboard.

Doc: ...Here's the present, 1985 (He writes "1985" on the board), the future (he writes "F"), and the past (he writes "Past"). Prior to this point in time... (He points to 1985) ...somewhere in the past, the timeline skewed into this tangent, creating an alternate 1985.

Doc draws the tangent on the board and writes "1985-A" on it.

Doc: Alternate to you, me and Einstein. But reality for everyone else.

Doc goes to the DeLorean and gets a bag out.

Doc: Recognise this? It's the bag the sports book came in. I know, because the receipt is still inside. I found them in the time machine, along with this!

Doc shows Marty what he found. It's the top of 2015 Biff's cane!

Marty: It's the top of Biff's cane, I mean old Biff from the future!

Doc: Correct! It was in the time machine because Biff was in the time machine - with the sports almanac!

Marty: Holy shit!

Doc: You see, whilst we were in the future, Biff got the sports book, stole the time machine, went back in time and gave the book to himself at some point in the past.

Doc draws a line from the "F" on the board to the point where the tangent skewed into 1985-A. He then takes out a copy of the Hill Valley Telegraph, "Hill Valley Man Wins Big At Races". Next to it is a picture of Biff.

Doc: Look! (chuckles in a "how simple!" style) It says, right here, that Biff won his first million betting on a horse race in 1958. He wasn't just lucky, he knew because he had all the race results in the sports almanac. That's how he made his entire fortune! Look in his pocket with a magnifying glass.

Marty does so. He sees the almanac in Biff's pocket.

Marty: The almanac! (Doc chuckles again) That son of a bitch stole my idea!

Marty slams his fist on the table.

Marty: He must have been listening when I..... it's my fault! If I hadn't bought that damn book, none of this would ever have happened!

Doc: Well, that's all in the past.

Marty: You mean the future.

Doc: Whatever! It demonstrates precisely how time travel can be misused and why the time machine must be destroyed - after we straighten all of this out.

Marty: Right, so we go back to the future, and we stop Biff from stealing the almanac.

Doc: We can't! Because, if we travel into the future from this point in time, it will be the future of this reality! (He underlines 1985-A on the board). In which Biff is corrupt, and powerful, and married to your mother; and in which this has happened to me!

Doc shows Marty another paper. The headline says "Emmett Brown Committed - Crackpot Inventor Declared Legally Insane." A side story says "Biffco To Build New Dioxin Plant" and "Nixon To Seek 5th Term." Einstein whines as Marty takes it.

Doc: No, our only chance to repair the present is in the past, at the point where the timeline skewed into this tangent. In order to put the universe back as we remember it, and get back to our reality, we have to find out the exact date, and the specific circumstances of how, where and when, young Biff got his hands on that sports almanac.

Marty: I'll ask him.

Spaceballs:


DARK HELMET

(mask down) Have you found them yet?

CORPORAL

No, Lord Helmet. They're still not on the scanners.

DARK HELMET

Well, keep looking for them. (drinks coffee through his mask)

COL SANDURZ

Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie.

CORPORAL

Yes, sir.

CORPORAL walks to a wall labeled, "Mr. Rental." The wall opens. He looks through the selections.

DARK HELMET

Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?

COL SANDURZ

Yes, sir.

DARK HELMET

(lifts up mask) How could there be a cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie. We're still in the middle of making it.

COL SANDURZ

That's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home-video marketing.

DARK HELMET

There has?

COL SANDURZ

Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.

DARK HELMET

Naaaaa.

CORPORAL

Here it is, sir. Spaceballs.

COL SANDURZ

Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.

CORPORAL

starts the tape. It starts on the FBI Warning.

COL SANDURZ

Started much too early. Prepare to fast-forward.

CORPORAL

Preparing to fast-forward.

COL SANDURZ

Fast-forward.

CORPORAL

Fast-forwarding, sir.

He Starts fast-forwarding through the ludicrous speed scene. Helmet is thrown into the panel at a high-speed.

DARK HELMET

Nnnnno. Go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again.

COL SANDURZ

Try here. Stop.

The movie stops at the exact same thing that is actually happening now. DARK HELMET looks at the camera, then he turns back to the monitor. COL SANDURZ looks at the camera when DARK HELMET looks back at the monitor, then he looks back at the monitor. DARK HELMET looks at the camera when COL SANDURZ looks back at the monitor. When DARK HELMET turns back, he waves his hand. He turns back to the camera.

DARK HELMET

What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?

COL SANDURZ

Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.

DARK HELMET

What happened to then?

COL SANDURZ

We passed then?

DARK HELMET

When?

COL SANDURZ

Just now. We're at now, now.

DARK HELMET

Go back to then.

COL SANDURZ

When?

DARK HELMET

Now.

COL SANDURZ

Now?

DARK HELMET

Now.

COL SANDURZ

I can't.

DARK HELMET

Why?

COL SANDURZ

We missed it.

DARK HELMET

When?

COL SANDURZ

Just now.

DARK HELMET

When will then be now?

CORPORAL rewinds the tape. He stops at the point when LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA and DOT are walking through the desert.

COL SANDURZ

Soon.

DARK HELMET

How soon?

CORPORAL

Sir.

DARK HELMET

What?

CORPORAL

We've identified their location.
DARK HELMET

Where?

CORPORAL

It's the Moon of Vega.

COL SANDURZ

Good work. Set a course, and prepare for our arrival.

DARK HELMET

When?

CORPORAL

Nineteen-hundred hours, sir.

COL SANDURZ

By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
 

stellar renegade

PEST that STEPs on PETS
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M*A*S*H is the show of the gods. Every episode is filled with epic one-liners.

Hard to find good scripts, but I did find this!

(The scene begins in the OR. Burns is sitting down whilst sowing his patient up. A nurse holds a glass of orange jucie for him which he drinks through a straw. The camera pans over to Hawkeye who is also in the OR. A nurse walks past, he calls her over)

Hawkeye- Nurse

Nurse- Yes doctor

Hawkeye- Scratch please, left inferscapula (She scrathes his back) Ah, bullseye!

BJ- (Operating at the next table) Lucky shot

Nurse- Lucky shot nothing, I know my anatomy

Hawkeye- I wish I knew your anatomy like you know your anatomy

BJ- Anybody, time?

Houlihan- About O 1 hundred

Potter- O 1 hundred, I worked around the clock

Hawkeye- Sure beats working around here

BJ- I'm so bushed I cant remember my last patient

Hawkeye- He had quintuplets

BJ- Oh yeah

Burns- Silencio. I mean how can I operate with all this flapdoodle going on

BJ- Where there's a war there's a way Frank. Wipe (A nurse wipes his brow)

Potter- How many more out there

Houlihan- I counted nineteen when I came in

Potter- Nineteen, there were nineteen two hours ago

Hawkeye- They restock the shelves when they run out

Burns- I'm closing Colonel, couple more minutes and I can take over for you

Potter- Why?

Burns- Why? Well you must be dog tired

Potter- Yes but why me more than anyone else

Burns- Oh because your old (Potter scowls at him) Older then the rest of us sir and you look dead...beat

Potter- Major I can match you incision for incision, suture for suture, clamp for clamp, patient for patient

Hawkeye- But not goof for goof

Burns- Oh mind your own kipper Pierce. Sir I was only trying to...

Potter- I know what you were trying to do. I was the first man in, I'll be the last man out, if they have to carry me out
 

Shimmy

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Alice in Wonderland

Alice: "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
Cheshire Cat: "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,"
Alice: "I don't much care where--"
Cheshire Cat: "Then it doesn't matter which way you go,"
Alice: "--so long as I get SOMEWHERE,"
Cheshire Cat: "Oh, you're sure to do that, if you only walk long enough."

Also the greatest dialogue movie ever made would easily be "12 angry men". There's no memorable quotes in it really, but the entire movie is one long and very interesting conversation.
 

DiscoBiscuit

Meat Tornado
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Apr 13, 2009
Messages
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Goodwill Hunting:

Will: "Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.? That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never met, never had no problem with, get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Oh, send in the Marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number got called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes back to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile, he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And, of course, the oil companies used the skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, of course, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So now my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the fuckin' job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin', 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat, the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure fuck it, while I'm at it why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president."
 
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