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  1. #11
    Nips away your dignity Fluffywolf's Avatar
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    I run three companies already.

    >.>

    But you're making an interesting offer, I do enjoy writing. But a change of career would be unlikely. (I think I'll consider it...)

  2. #12
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    I run three companies already.
    So do I. But I write and sell screenplays on the side, in my spare time.

    Quote Originally Posted by Fluffywolf View Post
    But you're making an interesting offer, I do enjoy writing. But a change of career would be unlikely.
    Not making an offer, except the one to help you get started.

  3. #13
    Senior Member MrME's Avatar
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    One thing you should really work on is making sure your sentences are active rather than passive. A lot of this is passive. You use too many -ing words, for one. Adverbs should be avoided when possible. You're overly verbose, too, which makes the passive sentences drag out even more.

    You introduce the subject in a vague, round-about manner in the middle of the paragraph. Granted, if this is taken from the middle of something bigger, then it's more forgivable. If this is a self-contained piece, though, the subject of the story -- the woman -- needs to be introduced directly. She doesn't necessarily need to have a name, but she needs to be introduced in a way that says, "This is the main character." In other words, introduce her at the beginning of a paragraph.

    Vagueness can be your enemy. If something is normally named, give it a name. Give the mountains a name, give the pass the woman is walking through a name. That lends reality to your story.
    INFJ
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