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Thread: Poetry Thread

  1. #21
    Reason vs Being ragashree's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
    (for ragashree)

    First born (a sonnet)

    Muffled by nature's silent blanket siege,
    The new world seems to be a softer place.
    Of childish fairytales; the hidden peace
    in cotton sheets and filigree of lace.
    A dormant Ben shoulders the whisper wind
    And in his shadow snow-caked sheeplands sleep.
    While at his head, Aurora waves her wand,
    And rainbow colours dance beneath her feet.


    The chill-less cold of well-wrapped solitude
    Reclaiming sled adventures, long ago,
    When mittened hands with guileless trust imbued,
    And virgin foot print-echoed man of snow.
    O'erhead, old boughs are clothed with fresh cargo
    Like guardian angels who this quiet know.
    Yes, that works, well done! I like the rythym and music of this one; and the thoughtful, mediatitive flow of words and imagery that builds a strong sense of place and nostalgia for it. If you don't mind me saying so (I hope not, as I'm going to anyway) it did in some respects come across as quite a feminine poem. This is not an impression I can easily justify (particularly not at this time of night!); it was just the general feel I got from it, which contrasts somewhat with the impression I get from reading your forum posts etc. But I'm sure you are intending to achieve something quite different with those...

    Mini-critique now (I hope you wanted this - I certainly wouldn't bother with a poem I didn't think was worth critiquing)

    I got the impression of quite a few influences at work there, not all of which I can necessarily place. It did definitely remind me of something I have read before though - and given that the other poetry threads are starting to turn into the G.M.Hopkins fan club (not such a bad thing), what suggested itself most strongly was Robert Bridges. This may be a coincidence, of course, but I do remember reading a poem by him that had a similar (by no means identical, but wintry) theme and certainly a similar overall feel, particualrly rythymically. I can't remember the name though and am not going to start googling it right now - it's one of the better known ones anyway. Line 13 (bolded) was strangely aberrant, however - it jumped out at me as being exactly the kind of sentence structure Pope would have used. Maybe that too is a coincidence, as he was very NT (anachronistically speaking!), and you were obviously looking to get a rhyme: but all the same I would be very surprised if you'd never read him. There was a slight, but definite suggestion of Hopkins too, particularly in the sentence structure and the hyphenation. That's all I can think of for now!

    I was initially thinking that the opening line might be a bit of a mixed metaphor; but reading it a couple more times in context it seemed to fit. There's a bit of a problem in the last two lines though due to the uneven number of stresses, which somewhat disrupts the steady rythym that had built up until this point and makes the conlusion a bit less strong than it could have been. I'm not saying it doesn't work as it is; just that evening out the stresses would probably strengthen it. (Yes, and I know what I did, I know!) O'erhead would be in a lot of danger if I was revising one of my own, being a poeticsm - I try to avoid them myself simply because they sound a bit strained these days. The Aurora bit (bolded) is something some of the (c)literati might consider a pit poetically cliched - I'm saying this in my objective mode, however, as I'm personally perfectly happy with that form of expression. Oh, and I mustn't forget that there seems to be an overall metaphor relating back to the title and which would add another layer of meaning - is that what you were intending? I'm half-asleep at the moment and more in analytic mode than holistic appreciation mode, unfortunately!

    Anyway, I liked the poem a lot overall. Beyond the specific bits I nitpicked about, I thought the language was very vigorous, original, and effective too. Does that mean it's my turn to post now?

  2. #22
    meh Salomé's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GinKuusouka
    I have to say that was beautiful. I love the imagery. A quiet wintery scene with only the crunch of snow under boots at first. Then imprints of the sleds telling stories of those who had been there being built upon and the wind carrying child-like laughter away. Memories. ^^ Very pretty.
    Thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by ragashree View Post
    Does that mean it's my turn to post now?
    Yes!

    Wow! Thank you for taking the time for such a careful reading - I really didn't expect that, it's very touching.

    Yes, the feminine voice is strong and intentional. I agree with all that you have said. It is forced in places - that's partly because there is an element of parody, partly because of the constraints of the form (I'd never use o'erhead if I wasn't trying to squeeze five feet into that line) but mostly my own limitations. Sometimes I like the discipline and structure that form imposes, often I don't.

    I haven't read Robert Bridges - I shall correct that. I'm not a poetry buff by any means.

    Overall I have failed with this poem as it doesn't seem to deliver the intended menace or ambivalence - although your reference to Poe was interesting, and you picked up on the unsettled metre at the end. There is quite a lot of dark hiding under the white fluff, but I can see why it would be easy to miss - it has layers of meaning that only I can really know, and I don't have the skill to impart that successfully. Words like muffled, siege, seems, hidden, shadow, chill-less etc and the jolting effect of some of the lines was supposed to do this for me. FAIL!

    This was interesting! Thank you.

    Next!
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

  3. #23
    Reason vs Being ragashree's Avatar
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    Ok, I've reached a caffeinated state of semi-wakefulness now, so I'll just give a brief response to your response while deciding what to post myself. (Unfortunately everything I have written is 5,000 miles or so away in Wales at the moment, so I have to remember it and go through the chore of typing everything in - phooy :sad

    Quote Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
    There is quite a lot of dark hiding under the white fluff, but I can see why it would be easy to miss - it has layers of meaning that only I can really know, and I don't have the skill to impart that successfully
    Overall I have failed with this poem as it doesn't seem to deliver the intended menace or ambivalence
    that's partly because there is an element of parody
    I think you had the skill to hint at it, at any rate; I got numerous impressions I wasn't quite sure about last night and get them even more strongly on rereading today. I won't go into more detail here though . What I'm wondering is whether that tendency to self-parody (a very INTP-ish one!) was actually your major constraint here rather than your level of skill. It never came across to me as being a purely descriptive poem and even less so now - RE my comment about the overall metaphor - but perhaps you weren't quite comfortable with following through with the feelings you had that drove you to write it in the first place and maintaining a consistent mood and focus, which tended to dissapate the final effect. The ambivalence I defintely picked up on at first reading - I just didn't feel I could quite pin it down. I suppose it must ultimately depend on why you are writing the poem and what you are intending to communicate though. I like in a highly structured form such as a sonnet to stay very focussed on what I'm trying to achieve. Speaking of which, I think I know what I am going to post now

  4. #24
    Reason vs Being ragashree's Avatar
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    The nature of exorcism

    We once could hate full-force and cast the shame
    Of evil, and our demons far from self:
    When witch and misbeliever burned in flame
    While we, the righteous, kept our chosen path;

    When those in distant lands across the sea
    Exalted Satan's name in foreign tongues
    With lust for blood and death of such as we
    To whom God gave the role of chosen ones -

    But we have grown from this old attitude!
    But we have not - we still must pass the blame
    For all our wrongs. And so, with grattitude,
    We hound the wolf among us we could tame:
    For Human sin becomes no sin at all
    To that of Beast, who sins against Us All.

  5. #25
    Senior Member WobblyStilettos's Avatar
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    Porcelain Prima Ballerina
    Sitting on the top shelf
    Gust of wind
    And youll fall down
    And shatter
    Into a thousand pieces of
    Empty eyes and
    Painted lips
    Falling, but
    You think youre dancing.

    Don't worry, I know it's no masterpiece, I wrote it a couple of years ago
    Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

  6. #26
    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
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    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

  7. #27

    Default

    The distance stands
    in definitions,
    in magnitudes,
    in adjectives.

    How bright is bright?
    How deep is deep?
    How much does a thinker
    need to think?

    Between us are
    not misunderstandings;
    when we talk
    we mean the same thing,

    but magnitudes
    divide our views.
    How true is true?
    How deep is deep?
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

  8. #28
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    ^Nice!!!

    Lol, perhaps there is an enfp style of writing poetry, I have some formal ones, but I am shy about posting them.

    Here is a less personal one:

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    the difference between zero and the infinite is minimal
    any positive can be defined by its negative opposite
    man by woman, death by life, day by night,
    a yin yang hypothesis for the myriad ways of life

    the universe within me, the universe without,
    marks a difference only in perspective

    holographic in its principles, fractal in its design,
    a puzzle containing an infinite amount of pieces,
    where each piece contains the universal equation

    "the everything in every thing"

    to understand the ways of one thing is to understand the ways of the world,
    to know yourself is to know the essence of every man

    the difference between zero and the infinite is one.

    `
    `
    `
    'Cause you can't handle me...

    "A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it." - David Stevens

    "That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is."

    Veritatem dies aperit

    Ride si sapis

    Intelligentle sparkles

  9. #29
    Senior Member GinKuusouka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
    Thanks!
    You're more than welcome.
    I have no idea who I am. All I can say is let's rock hard.

  10. #30
    Senior Member GinKuusouka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    ^Nice!!!

    Lol, perhaps there is an enfp style of writing poetry, I have some formal ones, but I am shy about posting them.

    Here is a less personal one:

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    the difference between zero and the infinite is minimal
    any positive can be defined by its negative opposite
    man by woman, death by life, day by night,
    a yin yang hypothesis for the myriad ways of life

    the universe within me, the universe without,
    marks a difference only in perspective

    holographic in its principles, fractal in its design,
    a puzzle containing an infinite amount of pieces,
    where each piece contains the universal equation

    "the everything in every thing"

    to understand the ways of one thing is to understand the ways of the world,
    to know yourself is to know the essence of every man

    the difference between zero and the infinite is one.

    `
    `
    Well done.
    I have no idea who I am. All I can say is let's rock hard.

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