PDA

View Full Version : INTP men and your approach to sex



Lori
10-27-2010, 04:40 AM
For any INTP men, I was wondering your approach to sex? :blush:I am a INTJ woman dating an amazing INTP man. By his awkward (yet adorable) sort of flirting, I can tell he is interested in me in that way, however seems shy and almost embarrassed to initiate it.:thinking: I have reciprocated his flirtations.:wubbie: With age does this get any easier? He is 51 and was previously married. How can I make him feel more comfortable, though I do not want him to feel pressured?

Mr. Sherlock Holmes
10-27-2010, 07:58 AM
I don't approach sex. I run from it and hide in the corner.

Jokes. But I've never had sex and I am very shy about it. I was afraid of the idea for some reason and would go silent whenever a sexual or even romantic topic was mentioned until I was about 15. I'm still a bit sex/love-shy. But I'm only 17, so what do I know?

Trentham
10-27-2010, 12:56 PM
Many INTPs don't feel comfortable with taking risks, especially risks of the interpersonal variety, until they've processed enough information about the situation to feel confident that the odds of success are in their favor. Initiation of a sexual relationship carries with it the risk of rejection, and sexual rejection is something a lot of INTP men in particular take personally (in fact there's a long thread on that very subject somewhere around here).

I'm not sure it gets easier with age, tbh. More likely it gets easier with individual comfort level/sense of trust.

cafe
10-27-2010, 01:26 PM
Not an INTP man, but I have some experience with one.

Probably best to take some initiative if you want something to happen. Nice thing about them is they usually aren't all uptight about gender roles and won't mind a bit.

ReflecTcelfeR
10-28-2010, 01:48 AM
I love joking about sex. Usually when it comes down to it though, true conversations that head into the vicinity of sex/love I freeze and let the other take the first move. Something about it just makes me think that if they want me they'll ask for me to do it. I'm 19 by the way.

TacEight
10-28-2010, 02:00 AM
I believe that the biggest concern INTP men have is that they misunderstand/misread the others' signs or hints. It'd definitely be to your advantage to initiate over waiting for him to, as he may not initiate at all until he believes he has a) ensured 100% that you want it, and b) has talked with you enough to know what you'd like in bed. Otherwise he may feel too awkward and afraid that you would not enjoy the experience.

Solution? Take him down your own way. Initiate, and him you enjoyed it afterward. Later you can critique, but the first time... let it be a good experience. Besides, I can only assume my fellow INTPs are just as good as I am... :P

Stevo
10-28-2010, 03:31 AM
I don't approach sex. Sex usually approaches me.

ReflecTcelfeR
10-28-2010, 03:34 AM
I believe that the biggest concern INTP men have is that they misunderstand/misread the others' signs or hints.

This is exactly it. I can see the signs, but the error of misreading them is always there looming over.

INTPness
10-28-2010, 03:50 AM
INTP approach to........what?

ReflecTcelfeR
10-28-2010, 03:55 AM
Teh sechz.

Lori
10-28-2010, 05:38 AM
I don't approach sex. I run from it and hide in the corner.

Jokes. But I've never had sex and I am very shy about it. I was afraid of the idea for some reason and would go silent whenever a sexual or even romantic topic was mentioned until I was about 15. I'm still a bit sex/love-shy. But I'm only 17, so what do I know?

I was the same way when I was your age very shy about sex and love. I did not lose my virginity until I was 18 and many of my peers had begin having sex eariler. (Though since I was a girl likely there were more opportunities than a guy would.) I am wondering if others INT's had similar experiences of starting to have sex at a later age than other types?

Neutralpov
10-28-2010, 05:57 AM
Teh sechz.

haha moar please.

Read the how to seduce an INTP thread. I laughed so hard and came to the conclusion you either leave a trail of cookies, debate sex techniques and tell them to prove it, or just get in there and take the lead. Dated an INTP early this year Jan-Feb, and I just told him finally after hanging out and dates I was going to put in my fabulous new two piece and get in his hottub ;-) haha that was priceless! He freaked internally and did the whole you better not play with me look - for real I could tell he was dead serious about it. But I just reassured him I had decided on dating and am trustworthy. The freakout was a surprise though after hangout and seeing his attraction. yesh INTPs you do have to just go get em sometimes or they will drive relationships to the oblivion of friend-zone.

So uhhh... my advice go get a two-piece and give a sweet grin (if you have actually fully decided on this one for a long term commitment). His reaction-I was told I could get any job I want if I interviewed in it! haha I was interviewing at the time and that was his way of complimenting.

Oh and starting sex at a later age isn't just INT. I did but because I just didn't want to be used and it takes real love/monogamy for me to want it and in high school I was homecoming, popular but I wanted a more solid guy than the football player who took me to the dance...it was expected but not deep enough to me. Personal values are the reason and just self-worth of not wanting to be devalued. I am also an Enneagram 1 which is odd for an ENFJ.

Lori
10-28-2010, 06:00 AM
Many INTPs don't feel comfortable with taking risks, especially risks of the interpersonal variety, until they've processed enough information about the situation to feel confident that the odds of success are in their favor. Initiation of a sexual relationship carries with it the risk of rejection, and sexual rejection is something a lot of INTP men in particular take personally (in fact there's a long thread on that very subject somewhere around here).

I'm not sure it gets easier with age, tbh. More likely it gets easier with individual comfort level/sense of trust.

This makes alot of sense. I would assume that the vast majority of men hold a similar view, though I suspect the INTP man would be especially be concerned with the possiblity of failure and lack of self confidence this area. So it makes perfect sense the need to achieve a sense of competency in this area in particular. I can completely relate to the trust aspect because it took me a long time to get to the point of building enough trust to want to be intimate with him. As an INTJ trust is very important and often takes a long time to build. For other INT's what is your idea of trust?

Lori
10-28-2010, 06:24 AM
Not an INTP man, but I have some experience with one.

Probably best to take some initiative if you want something to happen. Nice thing about them is they usually aren't all uptight about gender roles and won't mind a bit.

Thanks Cafe, good point! Since I am judging, I have a habit of taking the initiative and am always concerned about him feeling controlled, since this is something these men seem to particularly dislike. Is this situation different? Also, I am glad you brought up gender roles. What do other INTP's think about gender roles?

Lori
10-28-2010, 06:35 AM
I believe that the biggest concern INTP men have is that they misunderstand/misread the others' signs or hints. It'd definitely be to your advantage to initiate over waiting for him to, as he may not initiate at all until he believes he has a) ensured 100% that you want it, and b) has talked with you enough to know what you'd like in bed. Otherwise he may feel too awkward and afraid that you would not enjoy the experience.

Solution? Take him down your own way. Initiate, and him you enjoyed it afterward. Later you can critique, but the first time... let it be a good experience. Besides, I can only assume my fellow INTPs are just as good as I am... :P

TacEight, thanks for the insight. I can relate to misreading cues and I have to be sometimes slammed over the head with it (several times infact) to get the hint. Oh and I am thinking INTP men are probably better than they give themselves credit for in this area.:)

TacEight
10-28-2010, 07:13 AM
Oh and I am thinking INTP men are probably better than they give themselves credit for in this area.:)

Yah, I've noticed a lot of us don't seem to realize how our Ne mind can replace Se enough to be very... thoroughly and creatively fulfilling, shall we say ;)

metasapiens
10-28-2010, 08:49 AM
Most INTPs take pride in being wary of their feelings. They see the hints, they know the stupid code, but they wait for a rational proof. They just pretend to be innocent.

cafe
10-28-2010, 11:58 AM
Thanks Cafe, good point! Since I am judging, I have a habit of taking the initiative and am always concerned about him feeling controlled, since this is something these men seem to particularly dislike. Is this situation different? Also, I am glad you brought up gender roles. What do other INTP's think about gender roles?
The situation probably is different from most unless the INTP only wants a platonic friendship or becoming physically involved would violate a principle in some way. Because, INTP or not, it's still a man and with most men sex is always ftw.

Competence is very important to them. Sex is no exception (w00t!). Since sex is so subjective, the only measure of their competence is whether or not you're being pleased -- so some gentle guidance and (especially positive) feedback seems to be generally well-received.

TacEight
10-28-2010, 12:13 PM
What do other INTP's think about gender roles?

They should be abolished. Unfortunately, it's not as simple as waving a magic wand, or like my ex wife did, changing your name to "James" and referring to all men and women as "ze" and "zir" instead of "he/she," "her/him." Still, my thoughts are gender roles "should" play no part in life, and that's the way I try to maintain my own perspective on life. Only reason I don't classify myself as "bi" is 'cause I have a TON of attraction toward "teh ladies," and absolutely zilch toward males. Probably from the standard social conditioning I've undergone through living in the US.

Cypocalypse
10-28-2010, 06:44 PM
INTPs get sex? o_O

tawanda
10-28-2010, 06:49 PM
INTPs get sex? o_O

I know, right? That's what I've been thinking.

Red Herring
10-28-2010, 06:58 PM
INTPs get sex? o_O

Hell yeah. It´s just that the INTP mating dance doesn´t always translate well into normal speak...and vice versa.

Vizconde
10-28-2010, 07:51 PM
I love sex. I feel it helps me express my Fe. Its good for its own sake too.

Kinda like some kink to spice it up.

I am more confident now...but especially appreciated overt female responsive acts such as mammalian nuzzling or other physical reassurances (and not too many instances of red herring sexual/relationship retreats). This reassured me and made me more comfortable about doing a good job and enjoying myself.

Stevo
10-28-2010, 07:59 PM
Most INTPs take pride in being wary of their feelings. They see the hints, they know the stupid code, but they wait for a rational proof. They just pretend to be innocent.

I do this all the time. I'm not as oblivious as I make myself out to be. I'm just waiting for them to make their move.

Red Herring
10-28-2010, 08:30 PM
(and not too many instances of red herring sexual/relationship retreats).

Why are you washing our dirty laundry on the forum, honey?

Seriously,trust me, that is no female specialty. This Red Herring, for example, still hasn´t forgiven a certain INTJ for flaking last minute in a pretty lousy way. Worst of all: We had this insider joke about telling each other trivia ("Did you know that..."). That particular night he flaked and told me a few minutes later: "Did you know the male blanket octopus is much smaller than the female which can be 100 times larger than her mate?" I didn´t analyse it at that very moment, but it sounded strange. As I thought about it afterwards and found the following description "The male blanket octopus spends his existence drifting along waiting to meet with a female. If the male meets a female, he fills one of his tentacles with sperm and tears it from his body. He gives this sperm-filled tentacle to the female which she then uses to fertilize her eggs. Afterwards, the female leaves the male, who floats away and dies."...ehm, was he trying to tell me something? Am I overanalyzing this or was that his subconsicous working? It definitely wasn´t a physical reference - I don´t have the build to crush anybody. But I consider myself rather cuddly and non-scary for an INTP, so what on earth made him suddenly think of the sexual dimorphism of the blanket octopus?! It´s not like I was pushing him into a potential relationship or anything either. I just wanted to have fun and see how it goes. He was the one thinking long term. *sigh* Sometimes guys can be so complicated!

think2much
10-29-2010, 03:02 AM
Unless I was drunk I will never be the first one to initiate sex. I'm 21 still a virgin don't see sex happening anytime soon sadly.

cafe
10-29-2010, 03:19 AM
This super-passive stuff is how INTPs wind up married to pushy women they complain to high heaven about later. :laugh:

Vizconde
10-29-2010, 03:16 PM
Why are you washing our dirty laundry on the forum, honey?

Seriously,trust me, that is no female specialty. This Red Herring, for example, still hasn´t forgiven a certain INTJ for flaking last minute in a pretty lousy way. Worst of all: We had this insider joke about telling each other trivia ("Did you know that..."). That particular night he flaked and told me a few minutes later: "Did you know the male blanket octopus is much smaller than the female which can be 100 times larger than her mate?" I didn´t analyse it at that very moment, but it sounded strange. As I thought about it afterwards and found the following description "The male blanket octopus spends his existence drifting along waiting to meet with a female. If the male meets a female, he fills one of his tentacles with sperm and tears it from his body. He gives this sperm-filled tentacle to the female which she then uses to fertilize her eggs. Afterwards, the female leaves the male, who floats away and dies."...ehm, was he trying to tell me something? Am I overanalyzing this or was that his subconsicous working? It definitely wasn´t a physical reference - I don´t have the build to crush anybody. But I consider myself rather cuddly and non-scary for an INTP, so what on earth made him suddenly think of the sexual dimorphism of the blanket octopus?! It´s not like I was pushing him into a potential relationship or anything either. I just wanted to have fun and see how it goes. He was the one thinking long term. *sigh* Sometimes guys can be so complicated!

Ha ha that sounds like a good INTJ pickup line.

Seriously, I don't know if its a type related thing or a sex related thing but in my experience women seem to read much more into these apparent relationship analogy comments than is healthy. If the fuck comes up with something like that its best to ask for a "WTF are you saying response" or otherwise an invitation to elaborate. (I don't know about INTJ's but if it was me it most likely would have merely been some random trivia which is a good if not superior replacement for small talk)

Then again maybe he was throwing out a red herring ;).

Red Herring
10-29-2010, 03:32 PM
I´m not saying he was consciously using it as a metaphor. I am merely considering whether his subconscious was at play here ;)

Unique
10-30-2010, 12:55 AM
INTPs don't approach sex... sex approaches the INTP... :shrug:

Mr. Sherlock Holmes
10-30-2010, 03:16 AM
I´m not saying he was consciously using it as a metaphor. I am merely considering whether his subconscious was at play here ;)

I very much doubt it. That just sounds like a random factoid that means nothing, and I think you are overanalysing.

Mr. Sherlock Holmes
10-30-2010, 03:17 AM
This super-passive stuff is how INTPs wind up married to pushy women they complain to high heaven about later. :laugh:

It may prevent me from having many relationships, but there's no way I would ever be coaxed into marrying anyone unless I was 100% sure they were the perfect match, which I basically never am.