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  1. #11
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Yeah but now I don't even know if this can be helpful. And I feel kind of self-centered.
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  2. #12
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    Just wait for Eileen. She knows what's what.

  3. #13
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    I think you've put together a good rhetorical analysis, Cimarron. I assume your teacher wants you to use technical language and identify types of stasis, etc.? I ask because the technical jargon makes it a tougher read.

    As an English teacher, what I'd suggest is to take out the "we" and "us" stuff from the introduction. Instead of "We often hear politicians use..." just say "politicians often use..." It's a stronger tactic. Also, watch using "this" with no object, ala "We see this in..." This what? Be specific.

  4. #14
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    I assume your teacher wants you to use technical language and identify types of stasis, etc.? I ask because the technical jargon makes it a tougher read.
    Yeah, I intend to thin that out. We have to connect technical rhetorical devices to our subject (in this case, their speeches), but after saying some things a few times, I'm sure I could trim a lot of it down.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah
    As an English teacher, what I'd suggest is to take out the "we" and "us" stuff from the introduction. Instead of "We often hear politicians use..." just say "politicians often use..." It's a stronger tactic. Also, watch using "this" with no object, ala "We see this in..." This what? Be specific.
    Okay, and my teacher says that too. But he also made us read a book basically to say "Don't write long-winded, empty sentences. And restrain yourself from using passive verbs and voices." Whenever I don't do one, it sounds like he chides me for not doing the other...
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  5. #15
    Senior Member 6sticks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    Listen to the two major candidates in the 2008 presidential race each give their opening analysis in a televised debate.
    I think it's a bad idea to start a sentence with "listen"... I mean if I were your professor I'd think "Hey. Don't tell me what to do. Don't even start, Cimarron. Don't you ever... EVER tell me what to do. Ever again. Cause you don't know man, you don't even know. I will mess you up, Cimarron. I can't even listen, I'd have to read. Get it right Cimarron! Argh!"

    But I'm not a professor.
    No offense.

  6. #16
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    Yeah, I intend to thin that out. We have to connect technical rhetorical devices to our subject (in this case, their speeches), but after saying some things a few times, I'm sure I could trim a lot of it down.

    Okay, and my teacher says that too. But he also made us read a book basically to say "Don't write long-winded, empty sentences. And restrain yourself from using passive verbs and voices." Whenever I don't do one, it sounds like he chides me for not doing the other...
    I didn't notice you doing either of those things. I think you're safe there.

    Quote Originally Posted by 6sticks View Post
    I think it's a bad idea to start a sentence with "listen"... I mean if I were your professor I'd think "Hey. Don't tell me what to do. Don't even start, Cimarron. Don't you ever... EVER tell me what to do. Ever again. Cause you don't know man, you don't even know. I will mess you up, Cimarron. I can't even listen, I'd have to read. Get it right Cimarron! Argh!"

    But I'm not a professor.
    LOL, yeah, I'd take out the "Listen to..." sentence, too.

  7. #17
    Senior Member animenagai's Avatar
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    this is an interesting read so props for that. how long is this essay supposed to be? is this it?

    either way, i want to see some of your own opinion. are the techniques effective? can they draw things out a bit more instead of just changing tense and use it to their advantage? are there benefits of not doing so? etc.

    good luck!

  8. #18
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 6sticks View Post
    I think it's a bad idea to start a sentence with "listen"... I mean if I were your professor I'd think "Hey. Don't tell me what to do. Don't even start, Cimarron. Don't you ever... EVER tell me what to do. Ever again. Cause you don't know man, you don't even know. I will mess you up, Cimarron. I can't even listen, I'd have to read. Get it right Cimarron! Argh!"

    But I'm not a professor.
    Okay, he didn't say anything about that when he read over that part in class, but he probably was focusing on other things. I can rewrite that part.

    This professor hates the stuffy formal writing style, he's made that clear, and likes us to try something daring. But, you know, it has to work, too.

    Anime, I have edited the OP, and I think this will be all the material. I get the feeling he wants this to be a little over 1000 words. My word count is 1208 right now, before I've written real paragraphs at the end. If I have to, I can probably shorten some of the examples. When the professor explained this concept in class, I thought it was really interesting, got my attention. I guess I haven't made a judgment of my own yet, still observing how it works.


    --Thanks for taking your time to review my essay, I do appreciate it.--
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  9. #19
    Senior Member Eileen's Avatar
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    I skimmed it. I have to go to work now and can't really help at the moment. At first glance, it does seem a little repetitive to me. And then--because I skimmed maybe--in the bulleted part, it seems like you're talking more about rhetorical devices and less about verbs. This defocuses your paper.

    I think that you could bring in passive voice when talking about verbs, too.

    Anyway, I have to run. When is this due?
    INFJ

    "I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

  10. #20
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eileen View Post
    I skimmed it. I have to go to work now and can't really help at the moment. At first glance, it does seem a little repetitive to me. And then--because I skimmed maybe--in the bulleted part, it seems like you're talking more about rhetorical devices and less about verbs. This defocuses your paper.

    I think that you could bring in passive voice when talking about verbs, too.

    Anyway, I have to run. When is this due?
    As I post, it's due in a little more than 24 hours.

    The bulleted part I will translate into verbs and their focus*, but I'm using the rhetorical labels to remind myself of why they're important and how it fits together. I'll keep an eye on it, though. I know I've done it before.

    *focus--The teacher, and our "textbook", claim that the tenses have these effects:
    Past = blame
    Present = values
    Future = choice
    So I want to relate the verbs to these effects, and show what the politician would gain from saying it, I guess. I'll look through the bulleted part right now, too, just in case.
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

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