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  1. #1
    Senior Member OptoGypsy's Avatar
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    Default Is this a good Acceptance Essay?

    At this point of time I’m at Highline with an accumulative G.P.A of 3.4. We’re born alone, we die alone and all hearts are broken, caring is not an advantage. The depths of Hell and fighting against your demons (figuratively speaking), is something we all experience at one point of our lives and it is nature’s way of conducting natural selection. Knowing this sympathy for others has become a necessity in society either if you do it whole heartedly or you feel obligated to act upon it. I don’t want your sympathy as I don’t need it.
    People are motivated by love, hatred, and business. With the underlying theme of all three being fear. Fear is paralytic it is why we do what we do. Free will is an obscure idea that has many thinking that they can do whatever it is they feel like doing but free will comes and goes. The African Slaves didn’t have free will, the children working in sweatshops don’t have free and the women in 3rd world country brothels don’t have free will. They do what they need to survive or else they die. Free will can’t come and go instead what we coin as “free will” is will. The will to do what we need to do to survive, my story is the equivalent of Martin Scorsese and John Hugh having a baby and John does crack till its birth.
    I’ll skip the trivia of how much I enjoyed reading and learning as a child and go straight into the point that builds our foundation as adults; our teenage years. Long story short I come from a Christian family that came to the USA to escape the lives they lived in the Communistic U.S.S.R whose system held prejudice towards the religious as “religion is the opiate of the masses.” I came into their dream in a way that they least expected me to. At the age of 8 I wasn’t into the Bible and living a prude life style. I was interested in The Magic School Bus, Tattoos, Piercings, Cigarettes, and Alcohol at that point in my life I viewed that to be the paradigm of the Rock Star lifestyle.
    At the age of 9 I began drinking Alcohol. At 10 I moved unto weed, cigarettes, theft for when I and my older group of friends had the munchies. At the age of 12 I got into Shrooms and LSD, the list ends with me getting into cocaine, meth and heroine at 13. I went sober at the age of 19 precisely 9 months ago. I didn’t go sober because I hated the drugs or because I sucked at them I went sober to better my efficiency, responsibility and potential as a business man. The time period I was on drugs opened my third eye to the beauty of nature and the obscurity of men. We prance around acting as all of this was made for us when each individual being sub consciously knows that it is going to an end. We are born alone and we die alone. Every day that passed I was becoming cleverer yet at the same time throwing my future into the obscurity of Hell. I was getting into fights, lighting fires and causing other actions of mayhem knowing that with every minute that passes I’m that much closer to my death. Did I regret the time I wasn’t spreading chaos or did I regret it when I wasn’t in school furthering my future career as you may already guess it was the later.
    My goal is to become a Creative Director at Madison Square and Freud influenced this decision. I’m interested in the sub conscious and what I can do with it. It’s a tool and needless to say I intend to manipulate it in the fashion of Don Draper. The best part of it is that I intend to be charitable with the ‘slaves’ of Asia. UW Tacoma will help me reach my goal by furthering on my education and helping me build on my creative rep. I’ll most likely transfer into the main campus to get a Masters.
    Culture has influenced me in that it has helped me gain a better perspective of the world around me. Culture is what defines each ethnicity and the way they observe and interact with the world and the greatest part is that they are able to share their understanding of the world with one another leading to a better understanding of the world-the rules, passions and hypocrisy of its people.
    I have read books on the business and advertising world. I made projects for myself pertaining the art of being a copywriter and I’m planning to get an internship next summer before I get into the UW Tacoma. My work so far consists of labor and it has taught me that hard work with a greater objective is vital in life.

  2. #2
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    What is the question you are answering, if there is one?
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  3. #3
    Senior Member OptoGypsy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gromit View Post
    What is the question you are answering, if there is one?
    Hardships and aspirations

  4. #4
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Your essay is incoherent.

    Your thoughts are disordered.

    Your chance at coherence and order may come from help with your emotional life.

  5. #5
    Senior Member OptoGypsy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mole View Post
    Your essay in incoherent.

    Your thoughts are disordered.

    Your chance at coherence and order may come from help with your emotional life.
    I turned it into a University with a 77% acceptance rate with a 3.4 in College, my question is should I apply to another place?

  6. #6
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    This seems more like a bid for attention than a genuine request for feedback. While I don't doubt that elements of your history are true and contributed to the unusual trajectory of your life, you seem remarkably needy of recognition about it all, and also are flip-flopping between various ideologies in a rather directionless way. If this is something you are genuinely submitting somewhere, the question being asked should be obvious from your response, which it isn't. Your response rambles and it comes off as quite self-satisfied, which I would think some places might find off-putting, even if your life story is unique and of interest.
    Likes Ivy liked this post

  7. #7
    Senior Member OptoGypsy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    This seems more like a bid for attention than a genuine request for feedback. While I don't doubt that elements of your history are true and contributed to the unusual trajectory of your life, you seem remarkably needy of recognition about it all, and also are flip-flopping between various ideologies in a rather directionless way. If this is something you are genuinely submitting somewhere, the question being asked should be obvious from your response, which it isn't. Your response rambles and it comes off as quite self-satisfied, which I would think some places might find off-putting, even if your life story is unique and of interest.
    I already turned it in... I'm aware of that and it is something comedians have influenced in me but is it going to hold me back with the University I applied to? There is a lot in my life I'm working on as I'm becoming more self aware. The acceptance rate is at a 77-78%. I'm graduating from my associates with a *3.5 I feel as I may have fucked up my chances with the essay

  8. #8
    subterfugee Xann's Avatar
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    dafuq
    I respect the sentiment you've managed to put to words here, but from a professional and/or writing perspective, if they let you in it definitely wouldn't be because of the essay.
    Likes chickpea, Ivy, ReadingRainbows liked this post

  9. #9
    Senior Member OptoGypsy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RobertCalifornia View Post
    dafuq
    I respect the sentiment you've managed to put to words here, but from a professional and/or writing perspective, if they let you in it definitely wouldn't be because of the essay.
    It's a good thing that I'm not going into English, I spent 20 minutes on it. I regret not spending more time on it
    I'm going into PPE
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  10. #10
    Senior Member Qre:us's Avatar
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    The university is going to think you're trolling them when they get this. Or that you were high as a kite when writing this shit.

    Neither conclusions seem favourable towards you.

    Good luck (either to you, or the university that accepts you)!
    Likes chickpea, Ivy liked this post

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