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Is this a good Acceptance Essay?

OptoGypsy

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At this point of time I’m at Highline with an accumulative G.P.A of 3.4. We’re born alone, we die alone and all hearts are broken, caring is not an advantage. The depths of Hell and fighting against your demons (figuratively speaking), is something we all experience at one point of our lives and it is nature’s way of conducting natural selection. Knowing this sympathy for others has become a necessity in society either if you do it whole heartedly or you feel obligated to act upon it. I don’t want your sympathy as I don’t need it.
People are motivated by love, hatred, and business. With the underlying theme of all three being fear. Fear is paralytic it is why we do what we do. Free will is an obscure idea that has many thinking that they can do whatever it is they feel like doing but free will comes and goes. The African Slaves didn’t have free will, the children working in sweatshops don’t have free and the women in 3rd world country brothels don’t have free will. They do what they need to survive or else they die. Free will can’t come and go instead what we coin as “free will” is will. The will to do what we need to do to survive, my story is the equivalent of Martin Scorsese and John Hugh having a baby and John does crack till its birth.
I’ll skip the trivia of how much I enjoyed reading and learning as a child and go straight into the point that builds our foundation as adults; our teenage years. Long story short I come from a Christian family that came to the USA to escape the lives they lived in the Communistic U.S.S.R whose system held prejudice towards the religious as “religion is the opiate of the masses.” I came into their dream in a way that they least expected me to. At the age of 8 I wasn’t into the Bible and living a prude life style. I was interested in The Magic School Bus, Tattoos, Piercings, Cigarettes, and Alcohol at that point in my life I viewed that to be the paradigm of the Rock Star lifestyle.
At the age of 9 I began drinking Alcohol. At 10 I moved unto weed, cigarettes, theft for when I and my older group of friends had the munchies. At the age of 12 I got into Shrooms and LSD, the list ends with me getting into cocaine, meth and heroine at 13. I went sober at the age of 19 precisely 9 months ago. I didn’t go sober because I hated the drugs or because I sucked at them I went sober to better my efficiency, responsibility and potential as a business man. The time period I was on drugs opened my third eye to the beauty of nature and the obscurity of men. We prance around acting as all of this was made for us when each individual being sub consciously knows that it is going to an end. We are born alone and we die alone. Every day that passed I was becoming cleverer yet at the same time throwing my future into the obscurity of Hell. I was getting into fights, lighting fires and causing other actions of mayhem knowing that with every minute that passes I’m that much closer to my death. Did I regret the time I wasn’t spreading chaos or did I regret it when I wasn’t in school furthering my future career as you may already guess it was the later.
My goal is to become a Creative Director at Madison Square and Freud influenced this decision. I’m interested in the sub conscious and what I can do with it. It’s a tool and needless to say I intend to manipulate it in the fashion of Don Draper. The best part of it is that I intend to be charitable with the ‘slaves’ of Asia. UW Tacoma will help me reach my goal by furthering on my education and helping me build on my creative rep. I’ll most likely transfer into the main campus to get a Masters.
Culture has influenced me in that it has helped me gain a better perspective of the world around me. Culture is what defines each ethnicity and the way they observe and interact with the world and the greatest part is that they are able to share their understanding of the world with one another leading to a better understanding of the world-the rules, passions and hypocrisy of its people.
I have read books on the business and advertising world. I made projects for myself pertaining the art of being a copywriter and I’m planning to get an internship next summer before I get into the UW Tacoma. My work so far consists of labor and it has taught me that hard work with a greater objective is vital in life.
 

Mole

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Your essay is incoherent.

Your thoughts are disordered.

Your chance at coherence and order may come from help with your emotional life.
 

OptoGypsy

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Your essay in incoherent.

Your thoughts are disordered.

Your chance at coherence and order may come from help with your emotional life.
I turned it into a University with a 77% acceptance rate with a 3.4 in College, my question is should I apply to another place?
 

Fidelia

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This seems more like a bid for attention than a genuine request for feedback. While I don't doubt that elements of your history are true and contributed to the unusual trajectory of your life, you seem remarkably needy of recognition about it all, and also are flip-flopping between various ideologies in a rather directionless way. If this is something you are genuinely submitting somewhere, the question being asked should be obvious from your response, which it isn't. Your response rambles and it comes off as quite self-satisfied, which I would think some places might find off-putting, even if your life story is unique and of interest.
 

OptoGypsy

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This seems more like a bid for attention than a genuine request for feedback. While I don't doubt that elements of your history are true and contributed to the unusual trajectory of your life, you seem remarkably needy of recognition about it all, and also are flip-flopping between various ideologies in a rather directionless way. If this is something you are genuinely submitting somewhere, the question being asked should be obvious from your response, which it isn't. Your response rambles and it comes off as quite self-satisfied, which I would think some places might find off-putting, even if your life story is unique and of interest.
I already turned it in... I'm aware of that and it is something comedians have influenced in me but is it going to hold me back with the University I applied to? There is a lot in my life I'm working on as I'm becoming more self aware. The acceptance rate is at a 77-78%. I'm graduating from my associates with a *3.5 I feel as I may have fucked up my chances with the essay
 

Xann

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I respect the sentiment you've managed to put to words here, but from a professional and/or writing perspective, if they let you in it definitely wouldn't be because of the essay.
 

OptoGypsy

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I respect the sentiment you've managed to put to words here, but from a professional and/or writing perspective, if they let you in it definitely wouldn't be because of the essay.
It's a good thing that I'm not going into English, I spent 20 minutes on it. I regret not spending more time on it
I'm going into PPE
 

Qre:us

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The university is going to think you're trolling them when they get this. Or that you were high as a kite when writing this shit.

Neither conclusions seem favourable towards you.

Good luck (either to you, or the university that accepts you)!
 

Ivy

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I suspect you knew this was not a good acceptance essay when you posted it. If you really submitted this, I agree with whomever said if you get in it won't be because of the essay. Most people apply to multiple schools so I would probably recommend that even if you'd written a stellar essay. Good luck to you. I hope college is a setting that leads to personal growth for you.
 

prplchknz

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I think its coherent and organized, but it seems like look at how amazing i am omg you have to accept me cuz i did a shit ton of drugs blah blah blah. the fact you said you've only been sober 9 months i'm sure the admissions people have been around the block enough to be weary about letting someone with9 month clean time in and they might not want to risk accepting someone with such a heavy drug history, I would've left that out honestly.I know people who would get sober for 11 months and right around that time relapse and fuck everything up in a month or less.
 

OptoGypsy

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Re reading this has been embarrassing, I am happy that I have decided to stay at Highline for the Cyber Security and Forensics program. I have happily been off drugs, and have formed a coherent ideology on life and philosophy that can now be found in my blog at davidstepchuk.com [MENTION=2]Ivy[/MENTION], [MENTION=1330]swordpath[/MENTION], [MENTION=360]prplchknz[/MENTION] , [MENTION=40187]MrRiko[/MENTION], [MENTION=3325]Mole[/MENTION], [MENTION=7111]Fidelia[/MENTION], [MENTION=5645]Qre:us[/MENTION], I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar and doing allot better.
 

Yuurei

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:sick::sick: :ack!:

Stopped after the first line. I guess a lot of people eat this shit up, and I guess, good for you if you can play to that.

But it’s why I could never get into a four year- had excellent grades, had the drive but I could never do...whatever this is.

People kept telling I had such a difficult and compelling story and that I should ‘use that ’ but, no, I would not even begin to know how, and I think, if I did, I’d have to take a scalding forever-shower to get the dirt off. But I guess that’s why I’ll never successful in life.
 

OptoGypsy

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:sick::sick: :ack!:

Stopped after the first line. I guess a lot of people eat this shit up, and I guess, good for you if you can play to that.

But it’s why I could never get into a four year- had excellent grades, had the drive but I could never do...whatever this is.

People kept telling I had such a difficult and compelling story and that I should ‘use that ’ but, no, I would not even begin to know how, and I think, if I did, I’d have to take a scalding forever-shower to get the dirt off. But I guess that’s why I’ll never successful in life.

Philosophical inquiry is looking for the vanishing black cat in the back alleyway under the night sky while the heavens wink at you. It is caressing the spirits under the moonlight trance as the scientist bathes under the waterfall seeking out rays of light from the light above. The pondering of the past, present and future as the magician stumbles into the trance of timelessness. It is reaching out to the paradise of Eden as you hold the galaxies upon your palm like a teardrop from heaven. It is the creativity in the creation of the tower of Babel and in the destruction of Athens. It is biting from the tree of good and evil in search of knowledge from the spirits. I have eaten from the tree of good and evil.

You don't need former education to be successful or knowledgeable. I've also changed allot in the last 6 years.
 
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