how to crush someone's hopes and dreams in the nicest way possible?

[miss fortune]

I've been working on training a new guy who really has the right attitude to succeed but none of the skills... it's really frustrating because I've seen the opposite occur so many times, but this is new. The guy really has his hopes set on succeeding in this job to the point where he's basically built his life and squandered his money on it... and he quit another job that's less risky because he feels that this job is the answer to his prayers.

The problem is that he just doesn't have the abilities that are NEEDED to succeed in the job... to watch him happily wander along like a hopeful puppy, talking about how getting this job changed his life for the better just crushes my soul a little every time I see or think about it. I feel really guilty... to the point where I just wish he would disappear and I wouldn't have to figure out what to do about it and feel guilty about it anymore... which in turn makes me feel even more guilty for being such a moral coward about the whole thing

How do you let someone know that they just don't have the correct skills for their dream job?

And how do you do it without spitting in the face of a younger version of yourself?

 

[wolfy]

The easiest way out and by easiest I mean easiest on your feelings, is to look for some other avenue that better suits his natural talents. That is all I have...

 

[kyuuei]

What skills does he absolutely lack? People skills? Computer skills? The ability to be detailed? All of the above and more?

I'm hesitant to say people cannot do something.. It absolutely infuriates me when people say what I can or cannot do. Nothing sets my fuse on a lighter quicker save one other thing.
Even so.. There are some people just suited for different work. I know it was constantly frustrating that the three women I worked with in my Mead shop just could not be detail-oriented.. they could not multi-task or keep up with small details.. there was no organization to the way they worked. They were willing, but not very capable, even after weeks of going over the same tasks that seemed very simple for me.

Is it work where he could lose everything if he fails at it? If so, I could see why he's so head-strong. If not... I wouldn't worry so much.

 

[ThatGirl]

You let them know, so they have a chance at least to acquire them before they get canned. Can you give any more detail about the specific skills needed and why he doesn't have them?

 

[Giggly]

Can he get/be taught the skills?

 

[miss fortune]

people skills and ease of communication are almost impossible to teach someone quickly enough for him to keep the job... and some people I have doubts about altogether

and legible handwriting is required and he has the physical inability to write legibly

and knowlege of HOW to act in social situations

and the ability to not take things so literally

I work in business to business sales, and the ability to interact with others with ease and confidence are REQUIRED skills... I've been trying and trying to coach him through it, but he's not getting it

 

[kyuuei]

I'd do what Wolfy said.. I'd try to find a small corner he could fit well into.. but .. I suppose, with his lack of skills, he simply won't last long.

Telling him yourself that he's unable to do this job seems pointless unless you decide who's hired and who's fired. In that case, be blunt and to the point, if you can't find a place for him then be kind about the way you let him go. If you're merely training him though.. he will sink on his own. And sometimes lessons like that have to be learned.

 

[ThatGirl]

People should have some sort of self awareness. He is probably aware he isn't cutting it. Ask him how he feels about that, then explain the demands of the job, and what it means to constantly be failing a demanding profession's expectations. Tell him you don't see it working best for anyone involved.

Let him know that you need someone who can act now, and not have to train so much., and admit you may have been premature hiring him for the job. Promise a good recommendation to a lesser involved role, and an open door if he should attain the skills needed to fulfill the role from a starting position.

Let him work out his ideals, and life goals. That's not your job.

Other than that, I pretty much kept saying the same thing as everyone else.

 

[miss fortune]

I have a lot of say over whether he stays or goes... which makes it worse somehow. And there ARE no other positions to put him in... he has to work his way up to them and they all require some serious people skills as well

I just don't feel comfortable at ALL watching someone who puts so much hope in something failing... and somehow feeling somewhat responsible because I can't find whatever magical thing I'm supposed to do to make him actually succeed

I even told him to use his status as a new guy to his advantage by explaining that he's new and to please be patient to customers (which a much more ept and successful coworker does all of the time!) for sympathy and patience, but he just won't do it :steam:

 

[Atomic Fiend]

People should have some sort of self awareness. He is probably aware he isn't cutting it. Ask him how he feels about that, then explain the demands of the job, and what it means to constantly be failing a demanding profession's expectations. Tell him you don't see it working best for anyone involved.

Let him know that you need someone who can act now, and not have to train so much., and admit you may have been premature hiring him for the job. Promise a good recommendation to a lesser involved role, and an open door if he should attain the skills needed to fulfill the role from a starting position.

Let him work out his ideals, and life goals. That's not your job.

Other than that, I pretty much kept saying the same thing as everyone else.

Do this.

 

[ThatGirl]

Assess whether you like him enough, or feel sorry enough, to do his job for him then.

Emotional/Rational

 

[miss fortune]

the frustrating thing is that I DIDN'T hire him... someone else did and they were fired before he started for other reasons... he begged the boss for the job and the boss had pity on him and sent me out to train him because I've had the best luck with difficult cases of anyone in the office. I may be able to work miracles in some cases (mostly for people with low self esteem and confidence issues) but this is a bit overwhelming. I've always succeeded because I feel sorry for people... and now that's coming back to bite me

and he seems so OBLIVIOUS to his problems as well!

 

[ThatGirl]

Has anyone brought up these issues with him?

 

[miss fortune]

I've mentioned a long list of things that he really needs to work on, and I've corrected him when he does something wrong and I've given him example after example of what works... I've done it in an amazingly un-blunt manner for me as well... but I haven't told him that he just doesn't have some of the essential skills. I feel that it's a pay grade above me to crush someone like that

 

[Giggly]

WHAT'S HIS TYPE?

(sorry I had to) lol

 

[ThatGirl]

This sounds like my ex husband.

I never knew how he survived for so long in jobs, and relationships. It was because he had charisma, and people felt sorry for him, and invested in him. Myself included.

Though he had nothing to back it.

So the point is, if it cant be done, it cant be done.

Stop focusing on who he is as a person, and focus on whether the job is getting done or not, and if he cant do it kick him to the curb. There is probably someone a lot more qualified, who cares about the feedback of their supervisors, that would make a better match.

I'd get blunt first though. Just so it isn't a complete shock when he finds out he wasn't cutting it.

 

[miss fortune]

very hard to figure out really... a bit awkward to place somehow

kind of like a socially mal-adjusted ExTJ in a way- Fe and Se problems definitley...

 

[miss fortune]

This sounds like my ex husband.

I never knew how he survived for so long in jobs, and relationships. It was because he had charisma, and people felt sorry for him, and invested in him. Myself included.

Though he had nothing to back it.

So the point is, if it cant be done, it cant be done.

Stop focusing on who he is as a person, and focus on whether the job is getting done or not, and if he cant do it kick him to the curb. There is probably someone a lot more qualified, who cares about the feedback of their supervisors, that would make a better match.

I'd get blunt first though. Just so it isn't a complete shock when he finds out he wasn't cutting it.

I can recommend that he be fired, but I don't do the firing... and he hasn't prevented me from doing my job, but I guess part of it is that my pride is involved as well. I don't like to fail at training someone... my sales, however, have not suffered

 

[ThatGirl]

I can recommend that he be fired, but I don't do the firing... and he hasn't prevented me from doing my job, but I guess part of it is that my pride is involved as well. I don't like to fail at training someone... my sales, however, have not suffered

Woah, weird association. That is because those were the same exact conclusions I came to with my ex. It is weird how professional relationships are so true to life.

So, this is one of those, I hope you get the point from my story things.

It took me a long time to dump my ex, and I realized a lot of it had to do with pride, and refusing to fail. When shit finally hit the fan enough to get serious (hopefully you don't get to that point), I realized my constant nagging was inhibiting the performance he was capable of before. Since he had nothing else to rely on, he was becoming an insecure and miserable man. He liked banking on his charisma, and that is what made him happy when he succeeded.

Since I couldn't live off charisma and desire alone, and he couldn't live without it, the pairing of the two dynamics caused everyone to be very miserable.

It was just as much my sucking up my pride, as it was for him to step up.

Eventually one of us had to do something, that was best for everyone. That person was me.

Since then he has found a nice woman who likes what he has to offer a relationship, and he preforms better than he ever could under my nagging hand.



*I hope that wasn't completely irrelevant.

 

[miss fortune]

I don't plan on getting in a relationship with him in the least (I adore the man who I keep at home!) but yeah... sometimes setting one's pride aside can lead to the best possible consequences for everyone... I just don't want to be the one who delivers the coup de grace since he said that I'm one of the 3 people in the office who he feels has his back

I've insinuated heavily that if he can't change he's going to have a lot of problems, but he doesn't seem to get it