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  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grayscale View Post
    Seems everyone is forgetting that it's possible he didnt have any ill intent. Regardless, he should find an assistant that is both comfortable and trained in massage... private massages are nothing new, although I'm not sure how they deal with the potential dangers that could arise (maybe keep some pepper spray in your pocket?) He should have also offered contact information for his previous assistant(s) to vouch for him.
    I dont think it matters if he had ill intent or not. This is not the kind of thing you can afford to sit around and think that he might be weird, but still be an ok guy. That kind of attitude is what gets young girls in stupid situations.

  2. #62
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tewt View Post
    I dont think it matters if he had ill intent or not. This is not the kind of thing you can afford to sit around and think that he might be weird, but still be an ok guy. That kind of attitude is what gets young girls in stupid situations.
    Exactly. Sure, there's a chance he's just a dumbass who has no idea how inappropriate this is. Our instincts are there for a reason, and the OP described her "alert system" going off about this big-time but she did it anyway.

    Cafe made an excellent suggestion--read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. This is just the kind of thing he talks about. We're socialized to be nice and think the best about people, and we end up second-guessing our instincts. No, they're not always right, but SO many people say "if only I had listened to that little voice" after an assault.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
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  3. #63
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    I still haven't read that book but I've heard it recommended several times.

  4. #64
    Mud and rain and chaos... TickTock's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    If you want an easy way out you could tell him your boyfriend found out about the massages (smelled massage-oil on you or something) and despite your assurances that it was all non-sexual etc etc got really jealous. So to placate him you'd like to be excused from massage-duties if it's ok etc etc.
    IMO I think it would be better for the OP to make it clear that's it's because she doesn't want to and not because her boyfriend is unhappy about it.

    And Tewt is right on the nail.
    ~ Truth ~ Freedom ~ Health ~ Love ~ Communication ~ Humor ~ Respect ~

  5. #65
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TickTock View Post
    IMO I think it would be better for the OP to make it clear that's it's because she doesn't want to and not because her boyfriend is unhappy about it.

    And Tewt is right on the nail.
    I tend to disagree unless she is going to quit. Indirect "softeners" like I can't play poker tonight my wife won't let me. May seem cowardly and somewhat dishonest, yet it makes it much easier on the recipients ego and thus avoids unwanted debate on the issue or overreaction.
    I redact everything I have written or will write on this forum prior to, subsequent with and or after the fact of its writing. For entertainment purposes only and not to be taken seriously nor literally.

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  6. #66
    Senior Member Grayscale's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tewt View Post
    I dont think it matters if he had ill intent or not. This is not the kind of thing you can afford to sit around and think that he might be weird, but still be an ok guy. That kind of attitude is what gets young girls in stupid situations.
    And the advice everyone has given this person is the kind of thing that could get her to throw away a perfectly good job for no reason. that is the problem with our instincts... they are only ours and only consider the situation from one side.

    in fact, YOUR feelings have caused you to look over even the facts of this person's feelings. let's look again:

    Quote Originally Posted by little.bad.apple View Post
    Well, I'm not sure what to make of my situation.

    He presented the massaging portion of the job as an option

    He was very nice about it and kept making sure I was comfortable with it.

    And I have to admit it was a tiny bit shocking seeing this person I'd just met naked, let alone touching him in that state.

    I didn't feel as comfortable as I wanted to. I had thoughts of: 'What is my boyfriend going to think', 'or my friends', 'Is this wrong', 'is it my prudish upbringing'.. etc.

    Maybe I'm just too concerned with how others would view it. Even though I don't believe that should necessarily be a determining factor.
    this does not sound to me like someone who is being sexually manipulated, this sounds like someone who is inexperienced in massage and uncomfortable touching a naked person who they barely know and wondering if they have crossed a line. however, massage therapists do this all the time and dont feel uncomfortable because they are familiar with it.

    Quote Originally Posted by 01011010 View Post
    Isn't that what pedos do to little kids? Like conditioning or some term I can't remember. That seems extremely predatory and gross.
    yeah... but this person is not a little kid. little kids arent sexual which is why they can be coerced into that sort of thing, on the contrary this person is already sees the warning signs, what makes you think if her boss pushed it further that she would just let it slide?

    yes, if he was sexually manipulating her he would act nice and pretend to care that she was comfortable. however, if he knew it was a touchy thing for people and wanted to be sensitive to that, he would do the same thing. he did offer it as an option, did he not?

    which is why i'll say... for his sake, he's probably better off getting someone who is already comfortable with it.

  7. #67
    Senior Member swordpath's Avatar
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    This sounds sketchy as hell.

    edit:

    I see the OP made the decision to quit the position. I say good for you. I believe it's the wise thing to do. You never know if something could have happened or not, but why risk it when you don't have to? Also, you were uncomfortable with it from the get go, and there's no good reason to disregard that feeling considering it was a potentially risky situation. Good luck finding new work.

  8. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by Grayscale View Post
    And the advice everyone has given this person is the kind of thing that could get her to throw away a perfectly good job for no reason. that is the problem with our instincts... they are only ours and only consider the situation from one side.

    in fact, YOUR feelings have caused you to look over even the facts of this person's feelings. let's look again:



    this does not sound to me like someone who is being sexually manipulated, this sounds like someone who is inexperienced in massage and uncomfortable touching a naked person who they barely know and wondering if they have crossed a line. however, massage therapists do this all the time and dont feel uncomfortable because they are familiar with it.



    yeah... but this person is not a little kid. little kids arent sexual which is why they can be coerced into that sort of thing, on the contrary this person is already sees the warning signs, what makes you think if her boss pushed it further that she would just let it slide?

    yes, if he was sexually manipulating her he would act nice and pretend to care that she was comfortable. however, if he knew it was a touchy thing for people and wanted to be sensitive to that, he would do the same thing. he did offer it as an option, did he not?

    which is why i'll say... for his sake, he's probably better off getting someone who is already comfortable with it.
    Years of investigating sex crimes.

    It was not an option. She emailed him that she didnt want to do the massages anymore and he said he would find someone else to do the job. Basically she couldnt have the job without giving massages.

  9. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by spamtar View Post
    I tend to disagree unless she is going to quit. Indirect "softeners" like I can't play poker tonight my wife won't let me. May seem cowardly and somewhat dishonest, yet it makes it much easier on the recipients ego and thus avoids unwanted debate on the issue or overreaction.
    It also makes the situation secretive. Like he can think well if I just do this or that and no one knows, she will be ok with it and won't say anything.

  10. #70
    Senior Member Grayscale's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tewt View Post
    Years of investigating sex crimes.

    It was not an option. She emailed him that she didnt want to do the massages anymore and he said he would find someone else to do the job. Basically she couldnt have the job without giving massages.
    I respect your expertise on the subject, but your experience has only been with situations like this where the guy is a sick pervert. I'm actually not suprised most people responded the way we did, the media constantly preys on our fears, especially the fear of our own complacency.

    I don't find the boss' response suprising either... she agreed to the position then later changed her mind. My guess is he has probably dealt with this same reaction before and wants an assistant who is comfortable with it, finding someone else would certainly be easier. Still, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to have an assistant who can also perform his daily massage if that is in fact all he wants.

    I can't say she made the wrong decision, it was definately the safer choice. I just want to point out the heavy confirmation bias here.

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