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  1. #51
    Junior Member MinervaSSS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by little.bad.apple View Post
    Well, I'm not sure what to make of my situation.

    I was recently hired as a personal assistant after over a year of unsuccessfully searching for a job.

    My boss mentioned from the very beginning that he's had various leg injuries so he's been receiving massages 7 years now from the assistants he's had. He presented the massaging portion of the job as an option, though, the main duties being filing, light cleaning, and general organizing. So I said yes to that portion of the job, eager to secure the job (and seeing no real problem with it).

    So up until recently we'd only communicated with each other through email and over the phone. Today we met in person as a sort of interview to ensure that we were certain we wanted to work together. We met at Starbucks and then went on to the room he rents, in which he has his office. Anyways, I agreed to the massaging and we went through with it. He was very nice about it and kept making sure I was comfortable with it.

    But it wasn't until today that I realized it was a full body massage... which is customarily done in the nude. And I have to admit it was a tiny bit shocking seeing this person I'd just met naked, let alone touching him in that state.

    Well, I like to think of myself as quite open-minded. But for some reason I didn't feel as comfortable as I wanted to. I had thoughts of: 'What is my boyfriend going to think', 'or my friends', 'Is this wrong', 'is it my prudish upbringing'.. etc.

    So I really don't know how I feel about it. It just seems so foreign and potentially taboo that it's confusing me. I think there's nothing wrong with it in theory, so I don't know what the problem is.

    Maybe I'm just too concerned with how others would view it. Even though I don't believe that should necessarily be a determining factor.

    Anyways, thoughts? reprimands? Perspective please?
    I think that because on your end, you're a person with some integrity and respect, you are respectful of his request because he is your employer. He has power over your position, but, he is exploiting it. Nowhere in your job description does it say "personal masseuse", I'll bet. Just take your case to HR, if you can. If there's no HR, then I'd suggest establishing boundaries with this guy stating clearly that massaging is not on the list of things to do.

    He was making sure you were ok with it because he knows that if you weren't, he would be in serious trouble. Becuase you agreed to be ok with it, this puts him in the clear - you have given him permission, consent. You are the deciding factor here - it's not very widely known, but some rapists try to establish normalcy within an abnormal situation, while saying things like, 'I would never do anything to hurt you', you nod and agree, but then they go ahead and do the opposite - him not being consistent with his words is a sure sign that he is exploiting your good intentions.

    He might blame you for 'misrepresenting' yourself or lying about the fact that you were ok with it in the begining, but it is totally your right to say no, I don't want to do this with you, it makes me uncomfortable. And don't feel ashamed or guilty for saying yes in the first place - you did it out of feelings of duty and obligation - meanwhile, his motivations were probably not so honourable. ...My two cents, and all the best.

  2. #52
    Junior Member MinervaSSS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 01011010 View Post
    Isn't that what pedos do to little kids? Like conditioning or some term I can't remember. That seems extremely predatory and gross.
    Absolutely - he is trying to normalize the situation by asking for your consent, and conditioning you to think it's all 'ok' when it's clearly not.

    You INFPs are generous, giving people - but don't give in to this creepazoid.

    Go with the suggestion of your b/f smelling massage oil and not being cool with it, or introduce him to your b/f even - establish boundaries. Or, just look for another job. You're worth it.

  3. #53
    Courage is immortality Valiant's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by little.bad.apple View Post
    What do you mean work ethic would make you do it until then..? People would be clever about getting back at a perv like that so they'd keep going till the law protected them?

    Yes, it's nothing sexual at all, or at least it doesn't feel remotely sexual. Hehe, of course.. who better than nurturing INFPs right?
    Oh, not "work ethic" as in "you've gotta have it, too, unless you're a bad little apple"
    I meant it more along the lines of "swedes over-exaggerate boss loyalty kind of like the japanese and germans do".

    And you should definitely not put up with this unless it is completely harmless and you are fine with it.
    Hope everything will be fine... Is there no chance you can talk to him about this?

    Mightier than the tread of marching armies is the power of an idea whose time has come

  4. #54
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MinervaSSS
    Go with the suggestion of your b/f smelling massage oil and not being cool with it, or introduce him to your b/f even - establish boundaries.
    Why should she blame her boyfriend? Is this to spare his feelings? To give the impression that if she was single it would be ok? That she isn't strong enough to make her own decisions?

    Honestly I don't understand this suggestion nor do I understand why people suggest it's the best way out. There are times to play innocent and suggest someone else is the reason something can't happen but not this, how would that establish boundaries? If he's looking for ways to get her to do something she's not comfortable with knowing she's too insecure in herself to be blunt or worries too much about offending him to say she's uncomfortable means he can figure out how to manipulate her, and rather easily.

    Besides, she's already stated there's no issue with telling him she doesn't want to do it without needing an excuse.

  5. #55
    ..... Intricate Mystic's Avatar
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    The fact that you are posing this question, tells me that you must have some feeling that the situation with this boss may not be quite right.
    Did you tell this man that you had been looking for work for over a year? If so, from his perspective he probably sees you as someone who really needs a job, is very nice, and gullible.
    Also, he shouldn't have been completely naked for a leg massage!!!!! If he truly has leg muscle problems, he could have just worn shorts, or undies with a towel draped over. Also, I'm assuming you are alone with him in this rented office, with no way to call for help from someone else if you need it? This sounds like a bad situation. I wouldn't trust this guy at all. Predators can sometimes be very charming and convincing, so don't get taken in by his saying that you can just file and clean and skip the massages if you prefer. If my daughter were in this situation, I would want her out of it ASAP, and would recommend that she inform the guy by phone that she was quitting, with no personal contact with him again under any circumstances.

  6. #56
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    Oh man, this guy sounds like a TOTAL creep.
    Artes, Scientia, Veritasiness

  7. #57

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    So I emailed him this.

    "Hi, Mr. _________.
    Well, I'm sorry for not bringing it up before, but after thinking about it I have to say I'm not entirely comfortable with the massage part of the job. I am still more than willing to do all the other tasks though. But I understand if you want to keep looking for someone who can do both jobs, I know it is very convenient to have just one employee. So no hard feelings either way, and thanks for the opportunity."

    I sent this in the morning and later today realized there is no way I should still be working for him, even if it would just be the office work. Actually, it took discussing it with my boyfriend to see just how potentially dangerous the situation would be. My idealized way of looking at it was 'If he didn't attempt to cause harm the first time when he had the chance (because we were alone), why would he do it later on..'

    Anyways, he said that yes, he is going to keep looking for someone who will do both "since that's much easier" for him. So I'm glad that's over.

    So thanks everyone for the perspective. I guess it's situations like this that call immediate attention to a self-assessment.
    We always have a choice.

  8. #58
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trinity View Post
    Why should she blame her boyfriend? Is this to spare his feelings? To give the impression that if she was single it would be ok? That she isn't strong enough to make her own decisions?

    Honestly I don't understand this suggestion nor do I understand why people suggest it's the best way out. There are times to play innocent and suggest someone else is the reason something can't happen but not this, how would that establish boundaries? If he's looking for ways to get her to do something she's not comfortable with knowing she's too insecure in herself to be blunt or worries too much about offending him to say she's uncomfortable means he can figure out how to manipulate her, and rather easily.

    Besides, she's already stated there's no issue with telling him she doesn't want to do it without needing an excuse.
    Very true... but I have an INFP sister who NEVER tells her real feelings about anything. The suggestion to blame it on the boyfriend is just the kind of thing my INFP sister would do.

  9. #59
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by little.bad.apple View Post
    So I emailed him this.

    "Hi, Mr. _________.
    Well, I'm sorry for not bringing it up before, but after thinking about it I have to say I'm not entirely comfortable with the massage part of the job. I am still more than willing to do all the other tasks though. But I understand if you want to keep looking for someone who can do both jobs, I know it is very convenient to have just one employee. So no hard feelings either way, and thanks for the opportunity."

    I sent this in the morning and later today realized there is no way I should still be working for him, even if it would just be the office work. Actually, it took discussing it with my boyfriend to see just how potentially dangerous the situation would be. My idealized way of looking at it was 'If he didn't attempt to cause harm the first time when he had the chance (because we were alone), why would he do it later on..'

    Anyways, he said that yes, he is going to keep looking for someone who will do both "since that's much easier" for him. So I'm glad that's over.

    So thanks everyone for the perspective. I guess it's situations like this that call immediate attention to a self-assessment.
    Good for you! I'm proud of you... and I know how hard it is to give up your job like that... especially after looking for so long. You've done the right thing.

  10. #60
    Senior Member Grayscale's Avatar
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    Seems everyone is forgetting that it's possible he didnt have any ill intent. Regardless, he should find an assistant that is both comfortable and trained in massage... private massages are nothing new, although I'm not sure how they deal with the potential dangers that could arise (maybe keep some pepper spray in your pocket?) He should have also offered contact information for his previous assistant(s) to vouch for him.

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