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  1. #41
    Earth Exalted Thursday's Avatar
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    1. Document it.
    2. Explain your discomfort with it
    3. If he persists, submit documentation to the proper authorities
    4. Buy your boyfriend a snowcone and take a walk in the park(after sueing him)
    I N V I C T U S

  2. #42
    Glowy Goopy Goodness The_Liquid_Laser's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by little.bad.apple View Post
    Agreed, I shouldn't put myself in that situation. Simply not worth all of the possible repercussions.

    So what is the consensus on still working for him but without any of the massage stuff?
    This is what I would do in your situation.

    1) Refuse to do any more massages, but agree to do normal work like filing or whatever.

    2) When you're not at work look for another job. He's either going to find a way to let you go or try to take advantage of you again. You want to get out of this job, but I understand if you need the money until you can find another one.

    3) Trying to take legal action should be a last resort, and only if he does things which are much more overt than he's done. Legal action will only drain your money and in no way guarantees justice. It can create far bigger problems than this guy has given you already. You'll get much farther in life just using your head and avoiding bad situations before they happen. Just my $.02.
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  3. #43
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by little.bad.apple View Post
    Well, I'm not sure what to make of my situation.

    I was recently hired as a personal assistant after over a year of unsuccessfully searching for a job.

    My boss mentioned from the very beginning that he's had various leg injuries so he's been receiving massages 7 years now from the assistants he's had. He presented the massaging portion of the job as an option, though, the main duties being filing, light cleaning, and general organizing. So I said yes to that portion of the job, eager to secure the job (and seeing no real problem with it).

    So up until recently we'd only communicated with each other through email and over the phone. Today we met in person as a sort of interview to ensure that we were certain we wanted to work together. We met at Starbucks and then went on to the room he rents, in which he has his office. Anyways, I agreed to the massaging and we went through with it. He was very nice about it and kept making sure I was comfortable with it.

    But it wasn't until today that I realized it was a full body massage... which is customarily done in the nude. And I have to admit it was a tiny bit shocking seeing this person I'd just met naked, let alone touching him in that state.

    Well, I like to think of myself as quite open-minded. But for some reason I didn't feel as comfortable as I wanted to. I had thoughts of: 'What is my boyfriend going to think', 'or my friends', 'Is this wrong', 'is it my prudish upbringing'.. etc.

    So I really don't know how I feel about it. It just seems so foreign and potentially taboo that it's confusing me. I think there's nothing wrong with it in theory, so I don't know what the problem is.

    Maybe I'm just too concerned with how others would view it. Even though I don't believe that should necessarily be a determining factor.

    Anyways, thoughts? reprimands? Perspective please?
    He made you touch him while he was naked?!
    I'm not surprised you feel uncomfortable!

    I think one of the reasons it felt taboo is because generally, we don't touch other people's skin, except for shaking hands.
    You're not trained as a massage therapist, so you usually have no reason to touch other people.

    What DOES your boyfriend think?

    You INFPs are too accommodating.
    You don't have to violate your sense of decency in order to keep a job.
    He can pay a professional $50 for a 30 minute massage.

  4. #44
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    If you want an easy way out you could tell him your boyfriend found out about the massages (smelled massage-oil on you or something) and despite your assurances that it was all non-sexual etc etc got really jealous. So to placate him you'd like to be excused from massage-duties if it's ok etc etc.
    Excellent suggestion.

  5. #45
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tewt View Post
    I'm surprised he hasn't been sued yet. Or he is very savvy at picking employees that would be ok with it, much like a predator.

    I would highly suggest running a background check on him. Intelius has pretty cheap services. Also just google his name and look on social networking sites. He sounds like a creep to me.
    Exactly what I thought. If this were really about physical therapy, he would hire a massage therapist. The fact that the OP has spent so much time examining her own beliefs and trying to make it okay, trying to determine whether it just makes her a prude if she says no, etc., means he picked well. That's exactly the kind of reaction that allows him to keep doing this. (I'm not saying the OP would let it go further than that.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    That's how my massage went when a massage therapist was paid to do it. I really don't know the legality on it but I'm sure the people in this thread don't either and are making an awful lot of comments about how terrible he is.
    There is a world of difference between hiring a professional massage therapist who is licensed and trained, and asking your pretty, 20-something assistant to rub you down. Most of the female massage therapists I know are very wary of going to a man's apartment or office if there is no one else around, though. Just fwiw.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tewt View Post
    Because of the way he proposed this to you. He said it was just leg rubs (already boundary crossing imo) then it turned into a full body nude massage. It is dishonest and disingenious. And this is when you're first getting to know someone. There are some things that I do take at face value and I'm not going to question myself over it, I know who I am but I don't know them. Get what I mean?

    And just by the act of asking you would be too much for me. To me, it says this person is not normal. He has no respect for boundaries. I would also question his mental health. I would be permanently uncomfortable around him.

    Also if you were my daughter asking me this -- I would question your awareness. What is the next ridiculous request? And what will she do then? If she has to ask advice for a situation that makes her feel uncomfortable and should she continue doing it -- I would have serious reservations about her continuing to work in that environment.

    Tiltyred's experience is a lot different reading, it shows how things were handled in a healthy manner for everyone involved. There's no secrecy, no hiding it. Its a fairly comfortable situation for everyone.
    Indeed. The OP really needs to realize that it's okay to say no, and it's okay for this jerkwad to think you're a prude. Tell him that you've thought about it, and that the massage thing is too personal for you, and that it makes you uncomfortable. And if you can't do that, it's a sign you do not need to work for this man at all. What if he asked you to get a drink with him after work? Have dinner? Go back to his place? You may have good intentions, but if you keep telling yourself that he's coming from an innocent place and means nothing by it, you may find yourself in a dangerous situation that you've unwittingly consented to.
    Something Witty

  6. #46
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    This is likely a bridge that has a strong chance to transitioning to something more overtly sexual. Once he gets you starting to say 'yes' to something you are uncomfortable doing, it will be much easier for him to push the line farther and farther.

  7. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    This is likely a bridge that has a strong chance to transitioning to something more overtly sexual. Once he gets you starting to say 'yes' to something you are uncomfortable doing, it will be much easier for him to push the line farther and farther.
    Isn't that what pedos do to little kids? Like conditioning or some term I can't remember. That seems extremely predatory and gross.

  8. #48
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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  9. #49
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by little.bad.apple View Post
    Well, I'm not sure what to make of my situation.

    I was recently hired as a personal assistant after over a year of unsuccessfully searching for a job.

    My boss mentioned from the very beginning that he's had various leg injuries so he's been receiving massages 7 years now from the assistants he's had. He presented the massaging portion of the job as an option, though, the main duties being filing, light cleaning, and general organizing. So I said yes to that portion of the job, eager to secure the job (and seeing no real problem with it).

    So up until recently we'd only communicated with each other through email and over the phone. Today we met in person as a sort of interview to ensure that we were certain we wanted to work together. We met at Starbucks and then went on to the room he rents, in which he has his office. Anyways, I agreed to the massaging and we went through with it. He was very nice about it and kept making sure I was comfortable with it.

    But it wasn't until today that I realized it was a full body massage... which is customarily done in the nude. And I have to admit it was a tiny bit shocking seeing this person I'd just met naked, let alone touching him in that state.

    Well, I like to think of myself as quite open-minded. But for some reason I didn't feel as comfortable as I wanted to. I had thoughts of: 'What is my boyfriend going to think', 'or my friends', 'Is this wrong', 'is it my prudish upbringing'.. etc.

    So I really don't know how I feel about it. It just seems so foreign and potentially taboo that it's confusing me. I think there's nothing wrong with it in theory, so I don't know what the problem is.

    Maybe I'm just too concerned with how others would view it. Even though I don't believe that should necessarily be a determining factor.

    Anyways, thoughts? reprimands? Perspective please?
    No fucking way!
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  10. #50
    Diabolical Kasper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tewt View Post
    I'm surprised he hasn't been sued yet. Or he is very savvy at picking employees that would be ok with it, much like a predator.
    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Ding, ding, ding!

    I think people like this have a spidey sense about who is susceptible to their advances. Even the fact that you say he prefers untrained masseuses so he can show them rather than getting a professional who is being paid to customize their massages towards to the client sounds fishy to me.
    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    This is likely a bridge that has a strong chance to transitioning to something more overtly sexual. Once he gets you starting to say 'yes' to something you are uncomfortable doing, it will be much easier for him to push the line farther and farther.
    ^ That.


    Quote Originally Posted by JivinJeffJones View Post
    If you want an easy way out you could tell him your boyfriend found out about the massages (smelled massage-oil on you or something) and despite your assurances that it was all non-sexual etc etc got really jealous. So to placate him you'd like to be excused from massage-duties if it's ok etc etc.
    Bad idea imo, I'd strongly recommend being honest with it. What he's asking goes beyond what is acceptable in a corporate role of PA and he should understand that she is strong enough to stand up for herself, blaming her boyfriend would indicate that she can be manipulated emotionally as she's too weak to be honest about how she feels. If this is a reason for her to lose her job there are legal repercussions.

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