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  1. #1
    Senior Member Ism's Avatar
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    Default Mind Reviewing My Long-ish Introduction?

    It's for an Extended Essay I have to write. One thousand words by tomorrow morning! Maybe I could push it.

    Either way, I'd appreciate the feedback. As a quick warning, there's cliche-speak up ahead.

    "As every individual journeys along the road to their allocated destination, obstacles impede the expedition which intend little more than to obstruct the pathway to the realm of self-actualization. The external world, which, based upon the people, rather than the person, determines societal rule, while consistently conflicting with the internal structure of a human being as the clash of two contradicting guidelines comes to form, a reality inclusive of all civilizations. Fetters of conformity wrapped themselves around the characters of Jay Gatsby and Edna Pontellier as both individuals strove to stave from the norm. Yet, due to the iron framework of communal precepts, fetters of conformity further suffocated the frustrated attempts of the two to achieve a freedom of self expression, the opportunity to communicate their genuine goals without delegation to the outskirts of the social order.

    Jay Gatsby of The Great Gatsby and Edna Pontellier of The Awakening embody this divergence from the status quo of their respective societies. In The Great Gatsby, young, idealistic, optimistic Jay Gatsby immerses himself within an artificial society, driven by the luxury and arrogance of wealth, with unattainable aspirations of a requited love with the ever-elusive Daisy Buchanan. His sincere convictions collide with the insincerity of the upper-class elite, a battle which devastates the life of Jay Gatsby, and results in his death. The Awakening constructs a similar situation, in which Edna Pontellier attempts to emerge into a new self, deviating from the predominant presence of the “mother women” in her culture, and gradually, though unsuccessfully, illustrates a new representation of her persona, digressing from the cooperative woman she once attempted to exemplify. At the closing of the novel, Edna failed to discover her appropriate niche within the world due to her inability to completely separate herself from the life she lived for over twenty-seven years, and committed suicide.

    However, despite the closure of both accounts, F. Scott Fitzgerald and Kate Chopin manage to author symbols which signify the status of each protagonist, more specifically through the icons of freedom and the wild: the wings of a bird and the prevalent company of water, which both intimate the progress of the characters along their individual roads on the travel to self-fulfillment. How does the technique of Fitzgerald and Chopin, in demonstrating these elements, relay a message which indicates the prodigious task of every human being in identifying themselves—as a separate entity from the crowd—despite regional, gender, cultural, or generational differences?

    Both F. Scott Fitzgerald, of The Great Gatsby, and Kate Chopin, of The Awakening, develop the use of those motifs as a symbolic reference of freedom, within their own literary compositions, to illustrate the struggle to achieve or maintain a sense of individuality, while addressing this journey of enlightenment as a universal accomplishment. Somehow, Jay Gatsby and Edna Pontellier share a common sentiment in an alienation from the practical world in their efforts to unlock the confines which thwart their personal capability to effectuate the final human step of self-actualization, across the exclusive contexts of their circumstances."

  2. #2
    I'm a star. Kangirl's Avatar
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    Default

    You still up? I'll have a go. Some points:

    1. These are general points. I'd need to know what level and what course this is for. Is it highschool? college? university? 100? 200? etc.?

    2. Yes, this is too cliche-ridden. Tighten it up as much as you can. Example: remove the word "winding" from the first sentence.

    3. The thesis seems vague. Not crap, but vague. Tightening up a thesis makes it easier and simpler to write the essay. To my mind, the second to last paragraph is the most focused and best to squeeze a thesis statement from (and may already contain it).

    4. In general, this seems too riddled with Academese. Now, some profs/teachers like this, and are guilty of it themselves, so figure out what your prof will go for. In my experience, shortening a first draft like this, making it more concise, is always a good idea.

    5. You have enough here to get a full essay from - more than enough, and it's fairly coherent. Seems like a good start to me.
    "Only an irrational dumbass, would burn Jews." - Jaguar

    "please give concise answers in plain English" - request from Provoker

  3. #3
    Senior Member Ism's Avatar
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    1. It's for a 4000 word English paper for the IB Extended Essay assigned to Juniors and Seniors to work on for a two year period.

    2. Hee hee. Every word counts, but I'll take your advice.

    3. Yeah, as you could probably tell, the thesis came in the last paragraph. I figured that it would seem most appropriate after the question-- kind of like the answer. I could move it, though. Should the last two paragraphs just be squished together?

    4. Yeah, my advisor (the person, uh, advising me on the essay) liked the thesis, at least. She might feel a little sick reading the intro, though, haha.

    5. Thank you. =D

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