[Evan]

I always find myself getting into these ridiculous loops of thinking about thinking. Especially with a psychology framework, you can break down any desire/thought whatever into these larger motivational schemes. I've gotten to the point where I can, in an extremely detailed way, break down every action I take into a hierarchy of motivations reacting with the environment.

I know how I think, I think about my thinking, I come up with plans for change, etc. But then I just watch all of my plans go out the window in response to some stimulus. It happens over and over again -- I see the exact way out, I can write out a list of tasks, and then I watch myself not do it, and think about why I'm not implementing my plans, and then think about how I have now defined myself as someone who doesn't implement tasks, which is really just a coping mechanism for the fear of success, because with success comes pressure to maintain success. The whole thing is a giant coping mechanism for getting out of the stress of the moment and getting into the pleasure I find in ordering my thoughts. Why do I need that coping mechanism? Well, it traces back to my relationship with my mother, my school environment, my abilities, my interaction with my brother, etc.

(I could go on forever).

The conclusion is, you can think about your thinking all you want, and it's good to an extent, but it turns into an escape, a drug. Thinking about thinking means you're not thinking about the external world. You pay to think about thinking, in the currency of time in reality.

Blah, I'm in a really weird mood this week.