Quote:
Originally Posted by substitute
Especially the part where you say "because they're family". That's exactly what we've clashed over - they take this as read that "they're family" is, on its own, something that has a claim over a person, whilst I don't. And because I don't, they can't seem to see me as anything but a cold, uncaring duty shirker and all round bad egg. And I don't know how to explain to them that if I care about someone then it's because we have some level of bond between us, naturally - y'know, we have to have spent at least some time together, have talked quite a bit, know and understand each other to some level.
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I dislike family obligations for a different reason. I don't like it when somebody in the family only wants me present so that they don't have to face their own discomfort in knowing that we don't really have a relationship. In other words, I want a real relationship or nothing at all. It hurts me to try to have a real relationship only to fail. I don't find any comfort at all in maintaining a facade. It is draining and it reminds me of my failure to improve the relationship. I have thought about why somebody wants me to be there if all they do is ignore me when I'm there, and it can only be so that they can keep up appearances, even to themselves. It can only be that they don't want to face that they really don't want at all to relate to me.
It seems like what hurts me makes them feel comfortable. I can sense when somebody really cares for me or not. Some people in my family are cold and always will be, and I don't want them to do their duty by me. If they really have never liked me I would rather just let them not like me and not pretend that I think they really do like me. I used to try and try in my teens to play my role and get them to play their role, so my life would be the way it should be, the way it is on TV. It never worked, and it made me miserable. So now I'm done trying. Any other kid would not try so hard to get an adult relative to like them. With most kids, it's the other way around. The adults have to try to reach out to them. With me, I tried to reach out, and it got me nowhere.
My parents will not admit the truth of this. There are some truths about relationships that seem to be things that most people cannot or do not want to face or admit.