[substitute]

yeah it makes sense, you both sound quite a lot like my sister and mom who are the ones who've got me thinking about this stuff.

Especially the part where you say "because they're family". That's exactly what we've clashed over - they take this as read that "they're family" is, on its own, something that has a claim over a person, whilst I don't. And because I don't, they can't seem to see me as anything but a cold, uncaring duty shirker and all round bad egg. And I don't know how to explain to them that if I care about someone then it's because we have some level of bond between us, naturally - y'know, we have to have spent at least some time together, have talked quite a bit, know and understand each other to some level. But to them, somebody being their cousin seems to be enough for it to have a claim over them somehow, even though they might not have seen that person since they were two years old and wouldn't recognize them if they saw them on the street.

They could've had nothing to do with a person for thirty years and yet if they happen to be in their neighbourhood and invite them to a barbecue to say hello they feel completely obligated to go and, like you say, they don't resent it, they just consider it their duty and a pleasure to fulfill it. I'd see it as a total drag to give up some of my time to spend an afternoon pretending to care about a person when we haven't even thought about each other for 30 years and after they're gone, we'll continue to not think about each other.

They don't seem to see any difference between that and if I were to refuse to go to my own sister's birthday party (which I wouldn't, because there is a natural and genuine bond between my sister and I and I'd want to go even if it were the lamest party ever). I think it's a question of them believing they owe somebody something just because they're related, whilst I don't necessarily.

Hmm... it's interesting... I also have a sense of duty, a very strong one, but I find it fascinating how it's turning out that the difference between myself and my SFJ relatives is exactly what things we consider to actually be obligations.