Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiddo
Any fellow sufferers out there? Do you think INJs are especially prone to this "disorder"?
The Confession
I judge myself so harshly for my mistakes. I remember errors as far back as 2nd grade and continue to feel shame and embarrassment for them. I set vague impossible goals that I have no hope of achieving and then feel great disappointment when I don't achieve them. I end up paralyzed when it comes to starting new tasks because I have to get it just right and that leads to a pattern of procrastination. And of course, I do the self deprecation thing in order to get sympathy and affirmation from others. At times it seems I can't get anything started unless I am on the verge of a break down from the stress and anxiety.
I've been like this since I failed and had to repeat 1st grade. My "all or nothing" thinking is something I have tried to combat in the past, but when you have thinking this way since you were very young, it is second nature.
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I can absolutely identify with your post. Perfectionism is the very bane of my existence. It can and does lead to severe depression, and you have to decide to get help for yourself now. What I'm finally learning is that yes, there is hope, and there are things you can do to counteract the way your brain has wired itself, but that it's a lifelong thing that you'll have to fight. You have to constantly be on guard to fight off the negative stuff.
I find that outside help is crucial, because without "permission," I seem to be unable to lighten up on myself. I need someone else to tell me when I'm being crazy with my expectations, and only then am I able to see that the problem is not my inability to measure up, but that the expectations were extremely unrealistic in the first place. Your family might be able to help here, but if not, therapy is essential.
Also, you can't just tell yourself, "Don't think X." You have to replace it with a new thought pattern. You have to give your brain something to do, a more realistic goal to think about and work toward. Otherwise, it just feels like you're slacking off and failing, just like your brain thought you would. You have to break the destructive (and false!) pattern.
Remember there are gray areas in everything--not winning first prize doesn't mean you've lost. And there are always other chances to improve. You have to let go of the idea of perfection altogether. Easier said than done, but still. Accept the fact that you will make mistakes, and that you can improve the next time you try. Learn to love the journey, and not focus so hard on the destination.
If you want to talk, feel free to PM me.
