Quote:
Originally Posted by Usehername
My mom thinks I need too much privacy; that I can't let anyone see me fail and I like to be seen as tough... She thinks my soul is superficial...(She said my INFP brother (and btw she hates myers-briggs so this was not related in that way, we just used words) has the deepest soul. I told her he is more feeling-ly; she said that my "conceptual and theoretical" soul is not deep b/c I don't share myself.)
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Well, I do think some of it is because you are not "like your mom" and so she reads that as superficiality. Anything that encourages a palpable bond between people and feelings of caring is seen as good, so what you do is "not as good."
Your brother, the INFP, naturally reaches out to others and affirms them on a personal and often emotional level, affirming the relationship and talking in TERMS of the relationship... so your ISFJ mom sees that easily and feels what he does for her. He has an easy pass -- who he is meshes very easily with her, compared with who you are.
It's harder because you are female, so you not only have the INTJ thing going but your mom probably feels like you are not "female enough" like she is, in terms of speaking in terms of relational values and people's feelings. You probably do come across as cold to her.
ISFJs, unless broadened immensely by experience, have a very very hard time seeing UNDER the surface; they see all the surface stuff first, the similarities and the differences, and those hold the most power over her opinions.
To be honest, she probably just wants to "FEEL" close to you. That means being involved in your life, being able to help you when you've got needs, being able to give things to you, being able to chat about personal details of your day and how they left you feeling, and all of those fun things. She needs a very tangible relationship with you to feel close to you. Since she is not getting those cues from you, she feels distant and so she is criticizing you. Is there anything you can do to involve her more, if you want to develop that relationship? ISFJs like to feel needed and included; they like to support others in tangible and often practical ways.
What do I think of INTJs personally? They can sometimes feel "colder" than me, and more demanding, and more distant/impersonal in some ways. They seem focused on closure and getting things done, rather than playing around and exploring, and sometimes this is stifling. Sometimes they seem very driven. They are also very autonomous and seem self-reliant and not open to help, unless they are in charge of asking for things.
But all of that is from the perspective of an INTP, and INTJs are not me... so I can't say they are "bad" because they are not like me. Just different.
Really, as far as your mother goes, I would just think to yourself about what allowances you could make to connect with her in small ways she'd "get." Your strengths probably feel too impersonal or abstract for her to discuss easily, she just doesn't have the interest or capability for prolonged periods of time, if at all. If you can do small tangible things to affirm the relationship (ask your brother to advise you?), maybe that will help her relax and start to accept that you are who you are, and see value in it.
It's not easy, so don't feel bad you're having trouble.