Typology Central - View Single Post - ENFP Female + ISTJ male-How to make it work

quietgirl · 04-20-2008, 04:37 AM

The ISTJ's gave great advice for dating an SJ. My ISFJ boyfriend operates pretty much the same way. As an NF, it can be difficult NOT to push and MAKE it work out, but it's really the worst thing you can do.

I have the habit of killing a dead horse, so to say. I keep going and going and going until I reach the "perfect" resolution, ultimately driving the other person insane. In my relationship, we have a couple things we don't necessarily see eye to eye on &, well, we're both fairly stubborn people. At first, I'd just keep bringing up the issue - pushing it with good intentions so "everything will be better". Now, I simply state my point/feelings/whatever & consistently stand my ground without pushing the issue. It works MUCH better.

My boyfriend also has the SJ control issue, along with the stubbornness. The more submissive I was towards his "control", the less I got what I needed and honestly? The less he respected me. Now, I just set my limits. If he goes too far, I hang up the phone or leave his house. I find simply not giving him the "please love me & i'll do what you want to make you not mad anymore" reaction works wonders too - I only really react to the positive things now & I'll either make a joke or not react to the negative behavior. I was amazed at how much that turned him around & how much more respect I got in return. Note that I don't get hysterical & FORCE him to respect my opinions - it's more like if we disagree about something, I say how I feel and then leave it be. Usually after he thinks things through by himself, he comes around if I have a valid reason or point about the problem (and more importantly, if I stay calm!). If I get hysterical or push my point too forcefully, I WILL get a negative reaction from him - usually along the lines of him taking a very stubborn, almost irrationally stubborn, stance on the issue & refusal to compromise. I will also get the same bullheadedness if I relentlessly try to convince him that my point of view is right - I had to learn that mine may not be right & that he needs time to see my point of view and come to his own conclusion.

I guess the day to day stuff goes like this... say I want to stay over one night & he wants the night to himself. If I push the issue of staying over, I guarantee it'll annoy the crap out of him - even if he wants me there! If I respect his space, then like clockwork, he'll call me up within the hour and ask me to stay the night.

04-20-2008, 04:37 AM	#20 (permalink)
quietgirl Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Type: INFJ Posts: 403	The ISTJ's gave great advice for dating an SJ. My ISFJ boyfriend operates pretty much the same way. As an NF, it can be difficult NOT to push and MAKE it work out, but it's really the worst thing you can do. I have the habit of killing a dead horse, so to say. I keep going and going and going until I reach the "perfect" resolution, ultimately driving the other person insane. In my relationship, we have a couple things we don't necessarily see eye to eye on &, well, we're both fairly stubborn people. At first, I'd just keep bringing up the issue - pushing it with good intentions so "everything will be better". Now, I simply state my point/feelings/whatever & consistently stand my ground without pushing the issue. It works MUCH better. My boyfriend also has the SJ control issue, along with the stubbornness. The more submissive I was towards his "control", the less I got what I needed and honestly? The less he respected me. Now, I just set my limits. If he goes too far, I hang up the phone or leave his house. I find simply not giving him the "please love me & i'll do what you want to make you not mad anymore" reaction works wonders too - I only really react to the positive things now & I'll either make a joke or not react to the negative behavior. I was amazed at how much that turned him around & how much more respect I got in return. Note that I don't get hysterical & FORCE him to respect my opinions - it's more like if we disagree about something, I say how I feel and then leave it be. Usually after he thinks things through by himself, he comes around if I have a valid reason or point about the problem (and more importantly, if I stay calm!). If I get hysterical or push my point too forcefully, I WILL get a negative reaction from him - usually along the lines of him taking a very stubborn, almost irrationally stubborn, stance on the issue & refusal to compromise. I will also get the same bullheadedness if I relentlessly try to convince him that my point of view is right - I had to learn that mine may not be right & that he needs time to see my point of view and come to his own conclusion. I guess the day to day stuff goes like this... say I want to stay over one night & he wants the night to himself. If I push the issue of staying over, I guarantee it'll annoy the crap out of him - even if he wants me there! If I respect his space, then like clockwork, he'll call me up within the hour and ask me to stay the night.